I don't quite know what to say or do at this point. Isn't it ironic that, when I see someone in the forums who is espousing suicide, I feel compelled to try and talk them out of it...that things can be better. If only I could convince myself of that. Perhaps it's that I have more faith in others than I have in myself. Or perhaps it's that I was destined for a more fatalistic outcome. Whatever the case, I can truly say that I am completely exhausted right now. When it rains, it pours...and for me, the constant presence of rain has become a defining factor in my life. It's been like this for so long, I can only vaguely remember a time when it wasn't so difficult. I struggle with debt because, in years past, I sought distraction. I haven't struggled with employment, but that is now here because in the past five years, I have had one prolonged, major depressive episode, and I feel the onset of it coming once again. My self esteem is so low that, even if no one is mocking me, they're mocking me because my own mind will do the work for them. I haven't got one single close friend who can lift me up when I am low. I am down to about 5 close family members, but only 3 of them are adults, and none of them really wants to spend too much time with me. I've gone through this for at least 20 years, and have, off and on, been in treatment for about four years. It never goes away, and I don't know if I want to do this anymore. I think it's time to start planning.