I'm just STUCK.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Shiori, Oct 11, 2011.

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  1. Shiori

    Shiori Member

    It's been over a year since I've signed up here, but I haven't been very active: I have only 3 posts. I go here to write but never know what to write, it becomes overwhelming. This is going to be very scrambled, so I apologize in advance.

    Nothing has gotten much better in one year, in fact some things have gotten worse. I'm still too old to be dependent on my parents (I'm 23 years old now), I haven't had a job in 4 years due to anxieties, fears and severe depression. My mother also controls me and has me wrapped around her finger pretty much. I still feel like I'm 14. I don't have many things left, but if things aren't'done her way I get everything taken away from me that I've worked for. All I want is a family that will love and support me. Some people seem to be given it all: decent looks, a loving caring supportive family that will listen, intelligence, goals/dreams they want to accomplish, and happiness. It honestly isn't that much to ask for, but I wasn't dealt many good cards.

    I started seeing a therapist in February of this year. She won't admit it, but I learned I might have Borderline Personality Disorder, though she put a lot of emphasis on Avoidant Personality Disorder last time we talked about it. I can't heal because of my weaknesses and a lot because of my mother. My therapist told me I should volunteer at an animal shelter and I was slightly excited to do so since I love animals, but my mother says no because I won't be getting paid (I can't borrow her car if she doesn't like what I'm doing. It used to be mine because she gave it to me as a graduation present, but she took it away as everything is in her name. She took it away when she didn't like me expressing my anger to her one day.) I try to visit my boyfriend who is hundreds of miles away, but she threatens to take away my welcome here, all contact from her, she threatens to murder him because she "knows people that will do it" (they could be serious threats, I never know with her). She calls me a tramp for simply wanting to go visit him because it isn't the "proper thing for a girl to do. If he really loved you he'd come visit YOU." The thing is, he always does when he can. She hates him because "he's a dork", ate a frozen meal that was hers by MY mistake, and because he isn't her perfect dream guy for me. He suffers from depression too, but he's doing things to combat it and he has a job that he loves. She doesn't care if he supports me emotionally through all my borderline rages (she has never seen me do since I have been too afraid of her in the past), convinced them to let me into therapy and possibly stop me from killing myself, or anything like that. Screw that he also pays for a cell phone so I can have a phone for emergencies and to call him in distress. You'd probably say "just get up and leave that house," but it's not so simple. She's mentally ill and I fear she might break my things like she says she will... also I hardly have a dime to my name. Going on disability isn't an option. I hate her. I don't care if she's my mother and mentally ill. She should have never had a child and put me through this if she wasn't going to give me emotionally support and try to understand and just suppress me like I'm just some bad news. I don't know how to love because of her and I see myself slowly becoming just like her. At least I know better never to have a kid. I can't even say I love you to my boyfriend because I don't know what loving somebody feels like, certainly not unconditionally. It's all black and white to me: makes one mistake and all of a sudden I hate him instead of like him. Sounds all too familiar... She cries about her own pain or gets angry whenever I tell her I feel suicidal. "How could you be so selfish...? We don't need this right now. I have bigger problems than you. Look at what I'M going through. Look at what you do to me... You just want attention... You are going to kill your father too because he'll be worrying. He has cancer blahblahboohoocrycry." You get the point I think...

    I can barely get out of bed. I can sleep for hours and hours and go over 24 hours without eating. I was on Bupropion XL 300mg for a while, and it worked only for about a week when I was still on 150mg... then completely stopped when I upped my dosage. Was on it for about 3-4 months before I decided I needed to wean off of it. It caused pretty bad tinnitus for me which still hasn't gone away yet (been about 2 weeks since I've been off of it) and nulled out my sexuality completely. I didn't even have an interest in the opposite sex in the least bit. It was too weird for me. Even though I'm still a virgin I don't want my sex drive to go away before I experience anything... It's funny because Wellbutrin/Bupropion is supposed to have the opposite effect and is usually added to other depression medicine to increase sex drive. Figures. But it made me feel completely dead and I hated that. I fear taking other medications... I just don't know. Therapy isn't helping because I'm not sure I even want to get better.

    Why did I even write this? It's not like anybody can give me much advice from this small amount of jumbled mess I just typed out. Well, thanks for reading anyway. :cow::hamtaro::ghost: Off topic but this board has the best set of smilies ever. :sheep2:
     
  2. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    Hi Shiori,

    I really feel for what you are going through. At the moment, there is not much you can do but to dig in and hold on to the thought that life will not be always like it is at the moment. Eventually opportunities will present themselves to escape your situation as a dependent. Look for them, grab them when they knock at your door and don't look back, at least for a while. Your mom can control of lot in your life but she ultimately she cant control what you think and the feelings associated with those thoughts. Your awareness of what is going on is your best defense at the moment. Believe in your right to have a life of your own and to be happy. Hope it will get better soon for you hun.
     
  3. Shiori

    Shiori Member

    Thank you Isabel. People have told me life gets better since I was a teen. No changes yet. :( You're right about her not being able to control what I think... it's my life and not hers. I just hope things gets better soon because it gets harder to hold on and wait every day.
     
  4. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Keep writing! :thumbup: See you around.

    ~ Speedy :)
     
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