I'm just tired of all the acting. I don't know who I am

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by justsomeguy, Jul 8, 2007.

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  1. justsomeguy

    justsomeguy Active Member

    I don't really know where to begin so I'm just going to start typing.

    For as long as I can remember I've always been somewhat of an introvert. It's not that I hate people or that I prefer to be alone so much as the fact that I hate all the bullshit that comes with making, being, and retaining friends.

    I'm 27 now and for a big chunk of high school and college I had no problem whatsoever playing the social game. I always had a lot of friends and wasn't shy about being the centre of attention. I wanted to know everyone, and by knowing everyone, I think a lot of people wanted to know me, which felt good.

    I'm pretty sure that I took after my father, who is a very likable guy who also just happened to be a very successful salesman.

    The unfortunate part with having a salesman for a father such as I did is that the sales pitch didn't end when he came home from work. Without a doubt, my father is the biggest bullshitter walking on two legs today.

    For him, I think his desperate "please like me" sales pitches stemmed from his own childhood troubles and low self esteem so it's kind of hard to fault him for telling tall tales. However, growing up I became so enamored with the idea that I must sell myself to others that now I feel like my entire life is a sham. Every relationship I've ever built was built on false pretenses.

    Like I said, I never had trouble making friends, and most people that know me would probably describe me as an extremely affable guy. I'm the kind of guy moms and dads want their daughters to bring home. However, as of lately I'm just sick of making the fucking effort. All my life I feel as though I've been extending my hand for others to grasp simply so I could fulfill my sick need to be liked and in doing so I don't really know who I am.

    I'm sick of always giving big smiles to everyone I meet and telling people things are "great" when they're not, but that's all I know. Inside I'm just a scared little boy afraid of being rejected hiding my true feelings so I'll fit in.

    Twice I've been in love. Suffice to say, the girls that I was in love with weren't in love with the real me. It's difficult to explain 'me' after reading so many posts on this forum by people dealing with problems that seem so opposite to mine but I'll try.

    Basically, I'm a complete and utter phony, I'm better than eddie hascal (the leave it to beaver guy) in my 'acting', but my intentions aren't malicious. I can't bare to reveal my true self to anyone I like, so I adapt to every situation so that I come off in the best light possible.

    I believe I have an innate sense of how to connect with people but only on the receiving end. I can listen for hours and give my full attention and compassion to others but I don't really know how it feels to be in their shoes. I don't know what it's like to have someone in my corner, just to listen and comfort me. This is something I've been longing for but it's kind of hard to find with a persona like mine.

    I feel that both girls I've loved left me when I opened up to them and let them see how scared and insecure I really am. To be honest, I really can't blame them though. I'd strung them along into thinking I was this man's man that could take the world on his shoulders and when I finally had them hooked, I dumped all my shit on them.

    Looking back, I don't know why I was ever surprised that those relationships ended. What seems sad and kind of twisted to me is that I don't think I'd be able to attract a woman I love without my facade. I know some people reading this may think that these women really weren't as great as they seemed to me, but that's just not true. In the end I believe that they left me because our relationships started out with a lie. I was only pretending to be the man they always dreamed of.

    I guess what I'm saying is that I'm tired of all the acting. I read in another thread on this forum about some 30 year old virgins where one commenter said 'you have to play the game'. Well, to that comment I ask, WHY?

    Why do I have to play this stupid game to be accepted?

    Even beyond intimate relationships I feel I'm always playing the fucking game. Whether I'm meeting my brother's girlfriend's family or I'm in line at the convenience store, dealing with people is a game.

    Anyways, I guess I feel a little bit better putting all this down in black and white even though I'm sure it probably only makes sense to me.
  2. Financier

    Financier Member

    Bits and pieces will make sense to everyone here, I'm sure. We can all relate to your sense of struggle in some sense.

    I congratulate your desire to not 'play the game' as you said. The lies that people pitch to achieve relationships and reach goals have always been a big let-down of my view of our world. It's grand to see someone who honestly wants reform.

    My friend, let me tell you- the desire to be loved is the most primal of all instincts in my book- and no person can blame you for using any means necessary to achieve that goal. The question now is where do you go from this point forward?

  3. Ripx

    Ripx Well-Known Member

    i know what you mean, life is scripted, everyone is the same, like pre recorded cassettes in the public setting. at least i think thats what you meant.
  4. Snowman

    Snowman Well-Known Member

    I know exactly what you mean. I also have quite a few friends but I don't really like being the centre of attention. But I can easily make friends with the people around me. I can fit in nearly any type of social groups. But that's all an act. I feel like as if I'm living a lie. My whole life has been an act. Sometimes I look in the mirror and ask myself who I am and I can never answer myself.

    My real self. I'm just a pathetic coward who wants to fit in this world. I want to have a place. I want people to know me. I'm like, acting my life out. But I'm sick and tired of all this acting and I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know who my actual friends are. I can say I have one close friend. I met him through a friend through the internet. I've never met him face to face but he is the only person that I can talk to while being myself. I have no life.

    I've never been in love or anything like that. I can't even find a few decent friends so I guess love is out of the question. I can't even act as myself in front of my friends so, having a partner would be a bad idea, but I'm still in my teens so I guess I still have plenty of time.

    The only place where I can hide from all these problems is at home. But the problem is that my mum is there. Recently she's been so interested in all this psychology stuff and she's just listened to a few seminars and now she thinks she's all pro. She keeps telling me that she and I needs more communication but whenever I try make a conversation with her, it's always like lectures and arguments. Then she starts saying how I'm just like my brother. My brother is someone who has no social life, has no connection with family members, on the computer 24/7. But these few years he's changed a lot. He's got himself a girlfriend, he moved out of this stupid hole and he's got a life. But me? I'm just stuck in this hole with my mum. My dad works overseas and I go visit him at the end of every year and he is so over protective. Once I went out with my "friend" and he called me every half hour to see if I was ok. Even when I'm in my room, he will come in every 15 minutes to check on me. It's so difficult when you want to be alone for awhile.

    I just want to be myself. I don't want to just "play along". I don't want to act anymore. I feel like as if I'm being burnt by fire and not being able to notice it. I've never achieved anything in life or did anything for anyone to be proud of and half of my family expects me to be really good in my education because my cousins are all good and they expect so much of me. I just don't want to be in this act anymore. I want to live how I want to live and be myself. I'm also sick of giving big smiles to everyone I meet. It's disgusting. I hate it when people give you an act and I hate it when I have to do it myself.

    justsomeguy's right. Why DO I have to play this stupid game to be accepted. I want to be accepted for who I am. Although I'm in my teens, I feel like as if I've lived for 40 years now. I'm so tired. I'm so lost. I don't know who I am.
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Trust me everyone puts on the facade to buy peoples attention in real life. I do it still to this day, only difference is I suck at it. I could not make a friend if I wanted too.

    As for the girls, I am really surprised they left you. Most of the time opening up to them stimulates drama and most girls love drama. But do not feel bad women are fickle. They do not want you, they want a prince, a knight in shining armor. The second you show you are not that or that you were faking it. Most will cut and run for someone who will keep the facade up longer.

    The only girls who I have been able to attract is on the net. In real life women run from a guy like me. Who is nice and a decent person.

    Do not fee too bad ok, finding people who you can trust is a very difficult process. In fact the only friends I truly trust are my net friends. Because they have nothing to lose or fear from learning my inner most secrets.

    Just change slowly, do not throw your sales pitch as often. Slowly over time you can change if you really want too. You do not sound like the type who has been genetically built to be hated like me.
  6. justsomeguy

    justsomeguy Active Member

    Thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply.

    I really wish I had some words of wisdom that would make all of our problems better.

    Forgotten_Man, when you wrote "You do not sound like the type who has been genetically built to be hated like me," it really struck me. I mean, the sad truth about being likable, is that just pretending that you're a really happy guy, will make people want to be around you regardless of what you look like, dress like or talk about. I wasn't always a "phony" and a personable guy. Infact, I actually used to get made fun of by my older brothers when I was a kid for being a sourpuss. My older brother's friends used to beat me up and tell my brothers I was an asshole because their perception of me was that I was sourpuss.

    I have a crooked tooth that I've been self conscience about for as long as I can remember so I rarely ever smiled up until the age of 14 or 15. At that time I remember getting interested in girls and I noticed they all wanted to be around guys that had fun and the easiest way to show girls I was a fun guy was to smile a lot. I'm still self conscience of my tooth, but I'm even more self conscience about what people will think if I'm not smiling. I think my problem is that I took things way to far and closed myself off to maintain my stupid image.

    Now that I've been maintaining my phony image for over ten years I don't even know what's real about me.

    I really don't know what I'm trying to say or where I'm going with this but anyone reading this feels that their problem is with girls, or making friends, I can help you out to a degree by telling you to just starting smiling all the time and acting happy and people will be drawn to you.

    Beware of my advice though. Afterall, I've made a pretty good mess of my life acting happy.

    Also, here's a pdf copy of the famous book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" if anyone's interested. There's a lot of great advice and tools that will make you popular, just don't go too far like I did.
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I wish I could believe you justsomeguy. But the sad truth is that I tried that for about a year. I tried being personable I tried smiling and laughing and all that stuff. And the results were the same as if I was an impersonable loner.

    But I do not intend to steal your thread.

    I guess you just have to fall out of your safe zone. You seem stuck in there, and it is not some where you want to be. You have to learn to let go of it. It will not be an over night process and you may very well not be able to do it. But baby steps are what is required.
  8. possessednomad

    possessednomad Well-Known Member

    My dear god.

    this is basically my life, lol.

    'I'm the kind of guy moms and dads want their daughters to bring home.'

    - exactly. when in reality, while on the outside i can always crack a ton of jokes, make some people laugh, and come across as happy, most of the time i feel so screwed up its beyond belief. my relationships with people are based mostly on this fun side of me. which i see as kind of now the sham side of me.

    i can relate totally to you man.
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