I'm just tired.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Suizide, Nov 18, 2010.

  1. Suizide

    Suizide Member

    Every day I wake up, I wish I wouldn't have. I've had suicidal ideation pretty much my entire life, I am now 30. I got dealt a bad hand in the beginning and could never make a come back. I have a daughter who I do not want to leave behind but this pain isn't budging and it is now effecting me physically. I've done nothing with my life, I have no job, no car, no phone, nothing of my own. I've done so many things to my boyfriend that he doesn't trust me to even give me a key to my own house. I'm just tired and already feel half-dead anyway. :duck:
  2. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Do thoughts come to mind about how you could change your life for the better? If so then you still have a chance, your mind is telling you what needs to be done.

    Yep, we all make mistakes in our lives and BS is thrown at us from the beginning but what can you do to make your life not repeat those cycles, what will make you see that we can learn from our mistakes that they dont have to choose they way we want to be or to live.

    I understand about the giving up feeling, but as you said you have children that need you to be there for them. Dont let them down.

    Welcome and Im here if you want to talk.
  3. Suizide

    Suizide Member

    I am the perfect example of the "never ending oscillation between hope & despair. My day involves me thinking of killing myself and the options that I still have otherwise. I feel like I am being pulled apart by it actually, that's one reason I want to get it all over with.
  4. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    But what are the reasons to stay here, Im sure there are tons?

    When we get overwhelmed with depression and anxiety, leaving-killing ourselves feels like the only thing that will make us feel better. Its not-suicide causes so many more problems. You may not succeed at it and hurt yourself but the #1 for me is that I may leave this cylce to my kids, I will put in thier heads that its any easy way out. (which we all know is not)
  5. Suizide

    Suizide Member

    Well, my views probably differ much from many people on here and personally I believe that human beings think they are so much more important than they actually are anyway. I'm not saying we aren't important, after all, we are the only creatures that are "aware", I just think that most people place human beings on pedestals that we do not quite deserve, amongst other things. Anyway, enough about that. I guess I will give you my "story" and maybe you'll have a better understand about how I am feeling. I started off as the second child of five in a home where my Mother was bed-ridden-depressed and my Father was the "abuser" that was never home, though I was close to him. I was five when he left and remember walking around with my doll saying "where's my Daddy"? and sleeping on the lving room floor waiting for his return. I could never get my Mother out of bed on time to take me to school, which was a catholic institution. I was shamed in front of the class each time I was late, having the teacher stand me up however many minutes it was. My Mother, having not been able to afford the housenote and what not, moved us into my Grandmothers 2 bedroom apartment. She was a caretaker and a great woman but we had no guidance. I do not remember my Mom after that point, she popped in once in a while but was mostly laying on the couch depressed. I had problems in school with being picked on, I never felt like I belonged anywhere, still don't. My older sister got into drinking and drugs, had her friends over all night every night, witnessed people having sex and got tunred onto drugs at around 9 years old. One day when I was 11, my Father, whom we had chased around for years to pay child support and dropped by to take us out for "ice cream" every so often, came into my room and said "pack your shit, you're moving in with me". I was devastated and so was my Grandmother. That is when my life started going downhill. He hit me, on occasion, and I was the "maid" pretty much. I knew nothing of his new family, the woman was 10 years his younger and had 2 kids, pregant with one of his, etc. I didn't know how to handle it. Any issue I may have had wasn't even realized by anyone. I felt ignored. I started running away, stealing my step-moms pills and pot, drinking every night, huffing butane, etc. I dropped out of 8th grade. I got caught once, was forced to have an abortion or be turned over to the state, I was supposed to go back to jail after the procedure but ranaway to North Carolina. I was with a guy up there for almost 2 years, he cheated on me with his ex and I "got him back" by doing something else. And pretty much from there I've been with guys, done alot of drugs and have had alot of drama all brought on by myself. I gave 2 children up for adoption.I had dreams of playing music and travelling, now I feel like it will never happen, I'm too old, too damaged. I'd like to go to school for nursing but this depression and anxiety is preventing me from taking the neccessary steps to do so. My current boyfriend, he's stuck by me for 10 years and I've screwed him over so many times due to drugs, now he doesn't trust me at all and I don't even have a phone! I have to ask him for everything and I can't take that. My daughter is 16 months and I take care of her as best I can but I can barely care for myself. I also have back pain and have become somewhat lazy, when I was never a lazy person before. I have no energy to do anything. I can't live like this. I can barely get up enough enrgy to take a bath most of the time...
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 18, 2010
  6. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    If you know that you cant live like that then its time to make some choices....

    First know that depression/anxiety/bipolar all of those things are things that come from our parents(most times), if your mom was really depressed she may have passed that gene to you. Im sorry that you had to go through the hell that you did as a child. Alot of us has our stories, I can tell you mine if you like. It seems like we are not far from eachother in what we went through.

    How old are you now, and are you currently still using drugs?

    Its awesome that you still think of things that you can do for yourself, like school and those things, that means your life is not over, you still feel and want better. You can do those things but first you have to get yourself where you can control your thoughts and feelings. Its extra hard work but not unachievable.

    Start with a list, what do you think you need to do first?
  7. Suizide

    Suizide Member

    I am 30 and I'm only on suboxone right now to keep from getting opiate cravings, it doesn't get me "high". What I need to do first is get my g.e.d., I can pass everything but math and I get so flustered and my concentration sucks so.
  8. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Ever looked into tutoring at your local library? I know they have it here where college kids will help you for free or little charge.

    I can understand that you feel like nothing will ever change or get better but it is the depression telling you that. It can change if you work really hard, No it may not ever be what you think but your life is worth living and only you realizing that will help you make those changes.

    I also got my GED, I also dropped out at 9th grade. Getting your GED will make you feel better about yourself and all the hard work that you put into studying and getting it will make you think that you can do anything, which we need those feelings from time to time.

    Getting your GED will also help you get a job, and maybe even get you some new friends. I know that they have current GED study guides at the library, can you look into that and see if having the book will help?