Ok, will finish my cig and then attempt to type all this up..... Ok... where to start? Think I'll list my issues: I have body dysmorphic disorder (apparently) - I HATE the way I look - my face, and my body. People have fancied me, even reasonably attractive people - but I don't see how. I'm 5'10 and 140lbs, yet look so out of proportion. I have a small head and wide hips. Sometimes I'm too embarrassed to be seen. I had been feeling good for the past few months - even got laid. I'm gay and met 3 guys from online - the first 2 liked me a lot, but I didn't like them. Then the 3rd I actually did like, but he didn't like me. My date with him felt more like a job interview - I had nothing to say for myself. I dropped out of college because of my BDD, and now I'm 20 and have never worked. I have no interests, no friends, and I'm a nobody. My family life is a mess - always arguments here because my dad is an alcoholic, which make my issues worse. sometimes i'll feel good about myself, but then my depression hits hard and i just want to die. i don't see how anyone could ever be attracted to me. and i'm so awkward.. i mumble and stutter when i'm around new people. i get told i'm such a nice guy.. but that is meaningless. i feel really ugly right now and have been thinking of overdosing again. i jut have no idea who i am... like, i'm just empty. it's hard to explain but i don't know who i am as a person. i hate myself. i want to have a good job, a social life, a love life - but none of that is realistically going to happen. i wanted to get into work, and it shows how much faith my family has in me because my sister said i should apply to be a cleaner - i mean, in high school i was in the highest sets and was ranked 5th out of 300 people for grades at one point... but i'm useless. i mean, she actually thought being a cleaner was the best i could do for myself. i really am so confused. my life isn't terrible and i could make things better, but i don't want to. i want to die and the thought doesn't even bother me much any more. my mind has gone blank as i'm typing this..... i can't even think right now. probably sound like a drama queen but i've been battling these thoughts for years. i'm useless and ugly.