I'm just too messed up.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pogosticker, Oct 4, 2011.

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  1. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    Ok, will finish my cig and then attempt to type all this up.....

    Ok... where to start? Think I'll list my issues:

    I have body dysmorphic disorder (apparently) - I HATE the way I look - my face, and my body. People have fancied me, even reasonably attractive people - but I don't see how. I'm 5'10 and 140lbs, yet look so out of proportion. I have a small head and wide hips. Sometimes I'm too embarrassed to be seen. I had been feeling good for the past few months - even got laid. I'm gay and met 3 guys from online - the first 2 liked me a lot, but I didn't like them. Then the 3rd I actually did like, but he didn't like me. My date with him felt more like a job interview - I had nothing to say for myself. I dropped out of college because of my BDD, and now I'm 20 and have never worked. I have no interests, no friends, and I'm a nobody. My family life is a mess - always arguments here because my dad is an alcoholic, which make my issues worse. sometimes i'll feel good about myself, but then my depression hits hard and i just want to die. i don't see how anyone could ever be attracted to me. and i'm so awkward.. i mumble and stutter when i'm around new people. i get told i'm such a nice guy.. but that is meaningless. i feel really ugly right now and have been thinking of overdosing again. i jut have no idea who i am... like, i'm just empty. it's hard to explain but i don't know who i am as a person. i hate myself. i want to have a good job, a social life, a love life - but none of that is realistically going to happen. i wanted to get into work, and it shows how much faith my family has in me because my sister said i should apply to be a cleaner - i mean, in high school i was in the highest sets and was ranked 5th out of 300 people for grades at one point... but i'm useless. i mean, she actually thought being a cleaner was the best i could do for myself.

    i really am so confused. my life isn't terrible and i could make things better, but i don't want to. i want to die and the thought doesn't even bother me much any more. my mind has gone blank as i'm typing this..... i can't even think right now. probably sound like a drama queen but i've been battling these thoughts for years. i'm useless and ugly.
     
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    No worries. If anything, your post sounds honest (that's a compliment).

    I know what it's like to feel suicidal, although I'm not familiar with some of the other things you mentioned. If you want to talk more (I think I saw you enter chat for a few minutes earlier), just let me know. Take care...Alex
     
  3. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    the problem is i can feel good about myself for weeks/months, then my depression hits and i just want to die. i know i'm not being rational. i *know* that. but it's much like my BDD - people have fancied me so surely i can't be that ugly? but when it's what you see in the mirror, it's hard to believe what people tell you. same goes for my depression. i know it's not rational, but where i'm at now it feels right.

    i'm just fed up of this constant up/down thing i've got going on. thanks for reading anyway.
     
  4. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    My pleasure to read and speak to you. One thing I've always disliked is having to explain why I'm feeling suicidal, because it's embarrassing for me to try to explain why I feel the way I do. It doesn't seem like it makes sense, but yet the feelings are so strong, if that makes sense. Frustrating for sure; I can understand what you mean.
     
  5. yd4

    yd4 Member

    Have you ever thought about going back to school? You did get good grades at one point so you know it is possible for you to achieve and accomplish things in school. It might not be a bad thing to go back and try to go to school. You might meet some new friends too.

    As for your appearance there are some things you cannot change and you just have to come to peace with. All you can do is try to learn to love yourself a little bit more each day until you no longer feel bad about yourself. It is better to try and do that then constantly feel down about something you can't really change.

    Focus on making sure your hygiene is good and your face looks nice because that's the most important part IMO. Anyways life will get better just try and go back to school. Or you could work for a few years. Either way I know from my experience it sucks just being at home and it will drive you crazy. I'm trying to find a job as we speak but it is hard. But you have to try!
     
  6. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    The advice about going back to school is good. Being in school of more social may help you overcome some of your worries regarding your appearance.

    Seeing a psychologist or therapist regarding your BDD would probably be a good idea if you and your family can afford that.

    I suggest writing everything down you don't like about yourself and do your best to just accept yourself for how you are. As you said two out of those three guys liked you that's pretty good odds. I'm guessing some of your social awkwardness stems from you being self conscious about your appearance which in turn effects your self confidence.

    Hopefully as you get older your BDD will ease up.

    Feel free to PM me if you want to chat I do understand where you're coming from.
     
  7. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    It also sounds like you suffer from some form of anxiety disorder... Have you ever considered that? I've been there and done that. My life sounds terribly similar to yours.
     
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