I'm not really sure why I'm here or posting. I guess I'm thinking about much of the same things a lot of others are. As for me, well, I'm just weak and weary from life. It's just that simple. I've been depressed so long I don't know what it's like to not be depressed. I'm really at the point where I think killing myself is more like euthenasia. Rational suicide perhaps... I'm an older guy, mid 40's. Nothing's really worked out all that well for me, despite my efforts. Not married, no girlfriend, almost no dating my entire life. No children, no close family other than my mother. My dad and brother have both died; brother was a suicide. I'm really not close to anyone and simply don't feel close to anyone. I work way way way too hard and yet I get so little accomplished. In all honesty, I'm stupid. It takes me 3 or 4 times longer to get something done at work than anyone else. I think when I was a child people called it mental retardation or learning disability. I was never diagnosed with one, but maybe I should have been. Hell, it even took me 6 years to graduate college! I've suffered with anxiety and depression ever since high school. I'm 44... ever since I was 16! I've sought treatment; it doesn't really work... not in the long run. Medications are worthless; except to the people selling them. Cognitive behavioral therapy? Forget it... 5 minutes later I've forgotten everything that was said in a session. My work takes up all of my time. Today was yet another 13 hour day. But, for me, it takes so long because I'm stupid! I mean it must be some type of learning disability or something... I've thought about another job, but that's just a bad idea. I don't really think I could qualify for something else, at least nothing that would pay enough to support myself. I live very frugally; nothing fancy at all.... Dating? Hobbies? Interests? Friends? Really... I mean there's no sense in even thinking about that.... Dating has been nothing but a source of frustration and major anxiety for me. Hobbies/interests... sure, I'm interested in different things. But, with me, its work work work work work work and work some more.. just to keep up with the demands of my (meager) job. Friends? Sure, I have friends. But most are from my college days and we're not close as we were back then. They've moved onto wives, children, families, great careers, starting their own businesses. Realistically, they don't have a lot of time for a guy like me who still can't seem to grow up and get it together. For me, it's time. Time to get ready to go. Rational suicide. My depression, anxiety, and ADD have simply held me back. Those conditions are keeping me from enjoying anything and making me a slave to my work. I've given it a try; there just is no happiness. I am just so weary of it all. Now, my focus is going to be on getting things in order. Last Will and testament. Ensuring whatever small assets I have will go somewhere useful. Get a burial plot. Buy a gun. (I'm in the US, they're easy to get). And slowly overcome the last strands of fear of death I have. Even now, I feel a bit of relief knowing there's a way for the disappointment and depression to finally stop, once and for all. Now, to work on what's left of my fear and overcome that... oh, and don't worry about any "mess" to clean up. I'm just going to go out for a drive one day, out into a secluded area in the woods. And feel a final relief.... I'm not really looking for advice or anything. But, I am kind of curious... does anyone else think of a "rational suicide"? I mean, anyone just consider they've been around long enough.... tried to overcome their depression/anxiety/add and just can't quite do it? Like what I'm describing? And just realize that ending my life is relief... it's ending my depression/anxiety/add once and for all... no longer focusing on what I've missed or what I could have been... just realizing I have multiple mental problems that I simply cannot overcome. Anyone think along those lines? Or is it just me? Well, hey, if anyone reads this... thanks. I can see my relief on its way and I take some comfort in that.