I'm just weary from life, that's all....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by beachdawg, Dec 17, 2010.

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  1. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    I'm not really sure why I'm here or posting. I guess I'm thinking about much of the same things a lot of others are.

    As for me, well, I'm just weak and weary from life. It's just that simple. I've been depressed so long I don't know what it's like to not be depressed.

    I'm really at the point where I think killing myself is more like euthenasia. Rational suicide perhaps...

    I'm an older guy, mid 40's. Nothing's really worked out all that well for me, despite my efforts. Not married, no girlfriend, almost no dating my entire life. No children, no close family other than my mother. My dad and brother have both died; brother was a suicide. I'm really not close to anyone and simply don't feel close to anyone.

    I work way way way too hard and yet I get so little accomplished. In all honesty, I'm stupid. It takes me 3 or 4 times longer to get something done at work than anyone else. I think when I was a child people called it mental retardation or learning disability. I was never diagnosed with one, but maybe I should have been. Hell, it even took me 6 years to graduate college!

    I've suffered with anxiety and depression ever since high school. I'm 44... ever since I was 16! I've sought treatment; it doesn't really work... not in the long run. Medications are worthless; except to the people selling them. Cognitive behavioral therapy? Forget it... 5 minutes later I've forgotten everything that was said in a session.

    My work takes up all of my time. Today was yet another 13 hour day. But, for me, it takes so long because I'm stupid! I mean it must be some type of learning disability or something...

    I've thought about another job, but that's just a bad idea. I don't really think I could qualify for something else, at least nothing that would pay enough to support myself. I live very frugally; nothing fancy at all....

    Dating? Hobbies? Interests? Friends? Really... I mean there's no sense in even thinking about that.... Dating has been nothing but a source of frustration and major anxiety for me. Hobbies/interests... sure, I'm interested in different things. But, with me, its work work work work work work and work some more.. just to keep up with the demands of my (meager) job. Friends? Sure, I have friends. But most are from my college days and we're not close as we were back then. They've moved onto wives, children, families, great careers, starting their own businesses. Realistically, they don't have a lot of time for a guy like me who still can't seem to grow up and get it together.

    For me, it's time. Time to get ready to go. Rational suicide. My depression, anxiety, and ADD have simply held me back. Those conditions are keeping me from enjoying anything and making me a slave to my work.

    I've given it a try; there just is no happiness. I am just so weary of it all.

    Now, my focus is going to be on getting things in order. Last Will and testament. Ensuring whatever small assets I have will go somewhere useful. Get a burial plot. Buy a gun. (I'm in the US, they're easy to get). And slowly overcome the last strands of fear of death I have. Even now, I feel a bit of relief knowing there's a way for the disappointment and depression to finally stop, once and for all. Now, to work on what's left of my fear and overcome that...

    oh, and don't worry about any "mess" to clean up. I'm just going to go out for a drive one day, out into a secluded area in the woods. And feel a final relief....

    I'm not really looking for advice or anything. But, I am kind of curious... does anyone else think of a "rational suicide"? I mean, anyone just consider they've been around long enough.... tried to overcome their depression/anxiety/add and just can't quite do it? Like what I'm describing? And just realize that ending my life is relief... it's ending my depression/anxiety/add once and for all... no longer focusing on what I've missed or what I could have been... just realizing I have multiple mental problems that I simply cannot overcome. Anyone think along those lines? Or is it just me?

    Well, hey, if anyone reads this... thanks. I can see my relief on its way and I take some comfort in that.
     
  2. LogDork

    LogDork Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Heya Beachdawg. Sort of in similar shoes. Just turned 45. Done some ok stuff, for a life of sorts, but things are getting harder and harder.
    Someone more cheerful will probably give you the usual rap, I've heard most of it too. I do meds, but have only been trying for a couple years.
    Seems I lived a lot of my life thinking "if I can just"- pick it, I did it. Now life feels more like a waiting game.
    Well, just thought I'd say howdy, and sorry you're here. Welcome to SF.
     
  3. Caster

    Caster Well-Known Member

    I agree with the rational part. I mean people say it's not fair to the few people in your life to commit suicide, but is it really fair that I have to live such a miserable life just to keep a few people happy? Those are my thoughts....especially when they're people that have contributed to my unhappiness majorly.
     
  4. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    Hey Log.. thanks for reading. I've done the meds for years.... close to 20. I'm just taking some time to prepare... mentally, spiritually, etc over the next couple weeks. Fact is, if I owned a gun, I wouldn't be writing this right now. The irony is I've never liked guns and have always been afraid of them. Maybe deep down I kinda knew what I would ultimately do... and having a gun would just make it more impulsive.
     
  5. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    Hey Caster... I can't say the people in my life have made me miserable. Some have, some haven't. No, I'm just defective. That's about it. But, I do see the logic about the few people, etc. I mean, there's so few close friends, no real close family for me. So in all honesty, there's not going to be anyone who would miss me for more than 5 or 10 minutes. Hell, if nothing else, I'll open up a new position in my department; someone who's been unemployed for a while can apply for my job. Maybe I'll finally do something right....
     
  6. Chaddiwicker

    Chaddiwicker Well-Known Member

    I hear people say that suicide is never rational but I disagree with that. Some say it can only be rational if you have a terminal illness. I believe it can be rational even for those of us who suffer from a "mental illness".

    Let's look at the facts of my life. Depression almost constantly since I was in my teens (I'm 40 now). In debt that I'll never be able to get out from under for a failed attempt at graduating college. Poor work history. No desire to work. To me, money means someone controls me. Some other poor judgments that I'm too ashamed to mention here, even "anonymously". Fat. Scared of sex. Little experience dating. A relationship requires more energy than I have anyway. Only have one real friend left and my mother is the only family member who still speaks with me.

    What do I have to look forward to in life? 30 years at a menial job. No happiness that I can foresee. A lifetime of trying to fit societal molds. Homelessness is likely in my future.

    If I were to do one of those pro vs. con lists on living, I have about 100 things on the con side and those on the pro side have to do with other people (not wanting to hurt family).

    I think it's irrational that anyone would tell me that I'm likely to have a happy, fulfilling life. Past is prologue.

    I'm scared of the process of dying. I currently buy into trying to stay alive so as not to hurt my mom or my friend, at least until the holidays are over. But I do wish I didn't exist or that I never existed.

    Someone needs to rewire my brain and they need to do it overnight without me knowing about it. ;)

    Therapy tomorrow. Think I got some stuff to talk about? ;) New therapist, so scared. Hard to trust.

    Feel guilty that I can't offer up something positive for you. You're not the only one, if that is any comfort to you, and maybe seeing that I'm more lame than you might help you feel better. ;)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 17, 2010
  7. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Hi. I believe that people have the right to euthanasia. I also believe that people join sf because they are not certain that they want to exercise that right. Are you going to stay and talk this through some more?
     
  8. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    Hey Fitzy.... well, I'm presently making lists to get my affairs in order; guess part of it is overcoming those last fears of dying. So, I'll likely stay here for a while to work those things out.
     
  9. Tiredofitall

    Tiredofitall Active Member

    We're all here for a higher purpose. Until we find it, we walk around empty and angry.

    Find yours. It probably won't be easy, same as everything else.
     
  10. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    well I'm pretty sure I know my higher purpose.

    "don't let this happen to you"

    I know I'll be forgotten 5 minutes after I'm dead, but maybe someone will just nod understandingly and realize the psychological pain was just too much and this was the best solution. And maybe, just maybe, before that 5 minutes is up, they'll realize I'm finally at peace.

    I'd find a euthanasia group, but from what I understand, I wouldn't be accepted with my conditions. Which is too bad; they could help me.
     
  11. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    So this is your breaking point. The higher your breaking point, the more valuable you are. So try extending it in whatever way you can first, even in the face of all sorts of misery. Make it into a game. Do whatever you have to, to procrastinate ending it. Even if you totally distract yourself in the moment and lose all thought about consequences. Even if apathy takes you over. There was a day in my life when I thought I had reached my breaking point. And I tried to die. It was a half hearted sort of attempt. I didn't think it through and it didn't work.
    Time passed after this failed attempt and I began to become more resilient slowly, until it would take an awful lot to drive me to suicide. From my experiences my beliefs have changed. These beliefs are serving there purpose. They are getting me through each day. Make sure yours does the same.
     
  12. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    Raphael,

    Thanks for answering.

    Breaking point? Oh, I don't know. I've been at this point before. But this time, I'm getting things in order. I was all set to end things last spring, but it dawned on me I didn't have a will, didn't have beneficiaries for my 401(k) and life insurance, etc. And I don't want those things going to the rat bastards in Corporate America who have managed to suck every bit of happiness out of me...

    But I digress...

    No, this time, I'm getting things in order. Will tonight. Gun shop tomorrow. Priest and Mass on Sunday. Of course, I'll have to learn how to shoot, so probably firing range Monday or Tuesday. Then, it's a matter of time... time to overcome the fear, time to just let the depression and anxiety seep a little bit further into me. Then, everything will be set. The gun will be there and ready. No delays, no second thoughts.

    You see, one of the things is I'm in my mid 40's. From looking at some of the profiles on here, although well meaning, it seems most of the people are much younger. I'm not trying to dismiss the encouragement they may attempt to give, or their suffering. No, all I'm saying is I don't really think many of the younger people here can relate to 30 years of this type of suffering. All the way back to when I was 14 years old and felt the first episode of blinding depression and ongoing anxiety hit me. 30 years. It's too long. It's a lifetime. A lifetime of missed opportunities. Missed and lost friendships. Not much dating. No kids. No family of my own. Job that works me to death, but mostly because I'm just to damn stupid to get my things done on time. 30 years of that. Enough is enough.

    In fact, I just read an excerpt from the book "A Suicidal Mind" or something like that. But basically they described a subject who simply could not be cured. He had a law degree and a medical degree and was just miserable. He finally killed himself. And part of the debate was even if they could have stopped him, he still likely would be suffering and very well would have succeeded in his attempts at a later time.

    Well, that's where I am. Last spring, not having things in order, I talked to my therapist and stopped. But, that has just delayed the obvious. No joy, no happiness, no worthwhile life other than the money I can produce for my employer so they can all bask in huge bonuses and expensive cars and nice beach houses and parade around like they're pillars of the community and so concerned... which is bullshit... they couldn't care less about anyone or anything unless it helps them in some way make more $$$.

    Sorry, another rant there.

    But, at any rate, you get the picture. Thanks for reading and responding.
     
  13. ezi

    ezi Member

    Such a familiar story, in slight reverse i am going to go due to the financial problems that my wife's mental illness has caused. I love her and the kids to bits, I have struggled alone through years for them and just as we're getting somewhere the financial troubles are going to kill me, it's the only way I can set them free having made a life for them. You guys in the States are so lucky that guns are legal - we have to go a slower more painful way!
     
  14. Chaddiwicker

    Chaddiwicker Well-Known Member

    Yeah, we can get guns easy in the states. Health insurance and a social safety net, now that's a different story. Talk about whacked out priorities. Make it difficult to get mental or physical health treatment, but make it easy to get guns when you're feeling so hopeless you don't want to go on. There's a recipe for disaster.

    I just got back from a therapy appointment. I was terrified of going. Slept maybe 4 hours last night. Woke up with anxiety. It was only my second appointment and the first was mostly just history so this time we really had therapy. Surprisingly, it helped somewhat. Don't know what space I'll be in later on today or tomorrow, but she helped me get out of my head a little bit.

    Please, if you can, try therapy one more time. The first therapist I got when I moved here was not a match for me. Sometimes you get a good one, sometimes you don't. Try again and maybe you'll get one that can help. No guarantees, of course.
     
  15. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    Hey EZI,

    Thanks for responding. You actually have shed a bit more light on my situation and why going now is really a good idea for me. So far, I've somehow managed to stay employed (although working has completely drained me) and not go overboard into debt. But, as my despair deepens, I find it harder and harder to hang on. If I were to choose the notion that someday things would get better, well, my history has proven they won't. Today is yesterday's tomorrow that I looked forward to so eagerly. And now it's hear, and nothing... no better, nothing.

    But, at least dying in the next couple of weeks would at the very least keep me from spiraling downward and causing myself financial despair on top of everything else. At least I would be able to leave something to my mother to live off. I think that's a positive thing out of a relatively meaningless existence. At least by dying now, I can leave something financially to support someone else. By doing that, maybe I'll have at least done one thing right... killing myself before my finances go downhill so I will have helped out someone. I hope that will be enough to get me into heaven.
     
  16. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    Chaddiwicker... I like your post.

    As for me, I'm done with therapists. I guess I'm just looking for some encouragement, someone to say "You did your best. I understand. The pain hasn't ended, so you'll end it yourself. It's ok. It's not suicide; it's a mercy killing."

    And yes, as for the US, you are right. We can get guns so easily; much more difficult and expensive to get health insurance, etc. Only reason I haven't bought my gun yet is I would end up using it before I get my affairs in order.
     
  17. jimmy88

    jimmy88 Well-Known Member

    I'm 22... no sure if that qualifies as "much younger" but I can relate with a lot of what you say. I am also one of the "certain" ones... the ones who know all the angles of what anyone can say to try to help and understand it won't make a difference... the ones who are tired of telling their stories to strangers and would rather just forget them... the ones whose suicidal ideation nullifies the depression and brings a certain excitement that it'll all be over soon. I feel I'm an unwelcome breed on here as a result but it's nice to hear from others like yourself who understand. (BTW, had the exact same "gun in the woods" plan, have a few more now but might revert back to that)
     
  18. Waterfall55

    Waterfall55 Well-Known Member

    It is interesting - that is what I am looking for my therapist to say - ie if I give him all the facts, I want him to come to the same conclusion as me and to say committing suicide is "all right", the "logical" choice, the "rational" choice, the "only" choice. He says it is never going to happen. He says even though I can't see it, that it is not rational thinking, no matter how positive and certain I may be that it is.

    So that being said, yes, I feel similarly to you and hold the same beliefs. But I am still here for various reasons, one of them being I am still trying to get my therapist to agree with me, or change my mind so I agree with him. He says I don't need his permission or approval to kill myself and he's right. But I'm still here. I guess in some ways, I want him to be the "right" one, not me.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 17, 2010
  19. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    Hi Jimmy,
    Thanks for responding. Yes, 22 qualifies you as "much younger" than me. Thank you for understanding.

    I really hope you don't act out, though. You are young. And, in all honesty, from what I've read and been told, the vast majority of people recover from depression and/or learn to control it. I was 26 before I even sought any help. That was 18 years ago. So, I'd say to you... please give it some more time. Time is on your side. It really is. I'm only reaching this point one final time because I'm looking at 30 years of despair. Hell, 12 years before I even considered getting help. You've got a lot left. Be one of the survivors... one of the people who conquers these issues and either puts them behind or can control them. Many people are happy and well adjusted. You can be in that crowd too. And maybe, just maybe, when you're my age, and I'm long gone, you'll be around and remember this; and remember these times. And you'll have some of the compassion that our society sorely lacks and you'll be able to do something with that compassion and understanding. I think you can.
     
  20. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    Waterfall,

    Thanks for reading and jumping in. Well, therapists have a certain ethical code to uphold. And, let's face it, they have their jobs/business/paychecks to protect. So, they can't violate that ethical code if for no other reason than they could lose all those things. Even if deep down, they did agree with what you or I think.

    But, that said, I don't really see therapists as cold or uncaring in any way. No, I do believe the ones I have been to are sincere in wanting to help and to heal. It just hasn't worked, at least it hasn't worked for any long period of time.

    I can tell by your post that you're "on the fence". Well, I'm rooting for you to come off the fence and recover. Don't act out. Most people do recover. I've read about that. Most do. When someone says to "hang on" often that is all it takes. Stay with therapy; even if another therapist. There can be joy and happiness in this world and this life. No, not for me, but most others do experience it. I think you can too.
     
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