I'm just wondering why you haven't taken my life.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by HiddenTears, Oct 25, 2009.

  1. HiddenTears

    HiddenTears Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone,

    Sorry in advance for the long post. I am new here and wanted to share my story to all of those who care.

    I have been depressed for as long as I can remember, even as a little kid I always felt like nobody ever wanted to be around me. I am 23 now and just graduated from college. I don't know why people choose to ignore me even to this day. I am a good person, probably one of the best and most loyal. I treat people as though they are going to fuck me over, because I have not met someone who hasn't. I don't trust anyone, because of the way I have been treated, but I am always willing to talk if someone would approach me. Please don't misinterpret what I am saying, I do not treat people like shit or anything like that, I just find it hard to call anyone a friend because I had a few friends once but they all stabbed me in the back. Nor am I the victim of bullying or anything like that, in fact I was an active member and leading scorer on a university athletics team, box, and workout about 3 hours a day. (This is my form of self-harm. The way I look at it is for atleast 3 hours a day I am not thinking as hard about killing myself as long as I keep myself busy.) I HATE myself, I hate thinking the way I do, and I hate the way I look.

    I have never had a girlfriend, I just can't bring myself to believe that someone would be interested in me after 23 years of self hate and lonliness. I did get close once, but she was way too good for me. She actually took time to get to know me (something that noone has ever done) but I let her go due to the fact that I am never good enough for anyone. This turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life. Now I think about her everyday and compare everyone to her (it has been 2.5 years and I haven't said a word to her). Up until then I just never had a connection with anyone, I guess nobody ever thought I was good enough to be called a friend.

    I used to attempt suicide on occasion. Finally it got to the point where I was attempting suicide several times a day. I never had the balls to actually follow through. <Mod Edit:shades-methods> (not actually doing anything just wishing I would). I was doing the choking game long before it was a game, and I never wanted to "get high" from it, just die. Deep down, I knew that this wasn't going to kill me but I was hoping for an accident or something. Some days were worse than others, <Mod Edit:shades-methods> but like I said I never had the balls to do it. I made only a handful of suicide notes, and I made those on the days when I was thinking about something more than just passing out. My worst attempts were <Mod Edit:shades-methods> the most recent being last week. <Mod Edit:shades-methods> But the worst was my experiance with <Mod Edit:shades-methods>. I would sit in my apartment hating my life, thinking about what other people were doing in their fun lives. I mean I was in college, I was supposed to be having fun, but I wasn't. Even at the couple parties I went to I felt like such an outcast, I didn't know anyone or felt like I belonged there. And people knew that something was wrong with me but I would say I was "fine" and they would leave me alone again. I just wanted someone to talk to because I was thinking about suicide every single time someone asked me, "what's wrong?" I was hoping someone would see that, but no one ever did.

    Anyways I was in my apartment and I had <Mod Edit:shades-methods> still alone in my room without a friend in the world. Then I started making my own mixed drink with <Mod Edit:shades-methods>. I passed out on my bed and woke up 3 hours later with extreme stomach pain, it was so bad I couldn't sit still. I just rolled with my legs at my chest trying to scream silently to not wake up my roommates who to this day never knew how sad I am. I ended up in intensive care with morphine and a heart monitor.

    After that I was too afraid to try anything like that again, I was back to choking. I did this for a while up until recently when I met this other girl. I thought she would be different, I opened up to her a little more a little faster and hoped that she would call me. I don't call people because I think that if they are not talking to me they don't like me. She seemed interested but she never called. Last week I tried to OD on <Mod Edit:shades-methods>. The only thing that happend is I scared myself waking up in the middle of the night, hot, sweaty, extremly paranoid and thinking I kept hearing something that wasn't there, and worst of all I was too scared to fall back asleep for the fear that I might die. I don't know what is wrong with me. I know that deep down I don't want to die, but I hate my life and myself so much that I don't want to live in it. I think that if I had friends my life might be a little easier, and I know that if I had a girl my life would be worth living.

    There is more to my story but I think I have taken up enough of your message board. For the few of you who might have made it through this thanks for caring.

    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 26, 2009
  2. TaraB3ar

    TaraB3ar Well-Known Member

    I havent been on this site for long but already everyone has treated me with open arms and have been very kind and welcoming. This is a good place for you....you seem like you sabotage yourself, you said that you treat people as if they will fuck you over but then you also said you dont know why people dont get to know you, and ignore you. This place is a great place to give people a chance. Let the people here try to get to know you and become your friend. Because if anyone can understand you its the people here. I hope you can get help and find friends! :)
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Loneliness is the worse I would hope you have a therapist because even having one person to talk to is very helpful it gets your thoughts out of your head and in the open so you can examine them with a professional. If not call GP and see what new medications are out there for depression. I hate myself to but that is my past talking not my present. I am glad you are here as you are not alone now keep talking keep posting here lots of people can relate and understand.:hugtackles:
  4. HiddenTears

    HiddenTears Well-Known Member

    I guess I kind of do sabotage myself, but I think it's because I have gone unwanted for so long that I just don't understand why people (girls especially) would want me. I didn't used to be like this. I think I became this way because I used to be so quick to call people friends because I never really had one, but they would always end up hurting me. I know it's terrible to push people away but I found out that the only way I can't be hurt is to be alone. But I also found out that lonliness can be the worst pain of all, and now I couldn't buy someone to care about me. I don't think anybody even knows I'm alive.

    I don't think I will ever take medicine for my depression, because I don't want to be embarassed by it. I'm pretty sure that I know how I can cure it, but I can't find someone who wants me. I'm a really good person but nobody seems to notice that. I also hate thinking the way that I do, I would like nothing more than to just have friends and a girl and enjoy my life. The problem is I can't.

    Thanks for caring
  5. lifeisashedog

    lifeisashedog Well-Known Member

    :welcome: to SF. Sorry you are here.

    You just stay with us and keep moderators busy with shading methods out of your posts, so they don't die because of boredom. :thumbup:
  6. HiddenTears

    HiddenTears Well-Known Member

    Oh, sorry Life. I wasn't trying to give people ideas just explaining my story. It won't happen again.
  7. lifeisashedog

    lifeisashedog Well-Known Member

    Me too. Lonely and hurt and pushed away too many times Except I don't think I'm a good person. :evil: I'm more like someone you would want to have for "an enemy of your enemy". But I still have no friends and GF. I take medicine for depression. But only after 8 years of psychoanalyzing my doctor and making sure she is mentally sane and will not prescribe me something strange and bad for my stomach. :laugh:
  8. lifeisashedog

    lifeisashedog Well-Known Member

    No, no, it's okay. Many members do that at the beginning when they are still unfamiliar with the rules. But your post breaks all records. :1st:
  9. HiddenTears

    HiddenTears Well-Known Member

    Well atleast I am good at something, I guess....
  10. lifeisashedog

    lifeisashedog Well-Known Member

    Try the "Last post is the winner" thread in coffee house subforum. It prevented me many times to get drunk and jump off a bridge. :biggrin:
  11. HiddenTears

    HiddenTears Well-Known Member

    If I post and just drink enough to die, to save time, before anyone else posts can I win?
  12. lifeisashedog

    lifeisashedog Well-Known Member

    Geez, I don't know :dunno: You ask administrators.