Hi everyone,
Sorry in advance for the long post. I am new here and wanted to share my story to all of those who care.
I have been depressed for as long as I can remember, even as a little kid I always felt like nobody ever wanted to be around me. I am 23 now and just graduated from college. I don't know why people choose to ignore me even to this day. I am a good person, probably one of the best and most loyal. I treat people as though they are going to fuck me over, because I have not met someone who hasn't. I don't trust anyone, because of the way I have been treated, but I am always willing to talk if someone would approach me. Please don't misinterpret what I am saying, I do not treat people like shit or anything like that, I just find it hard to call anyone a friend because I had a few friends once but they all stabbed me in the back. Nor am I the victim of bullying or anything like that, in fact I was an active member and leading scorer on a university athletics team, box, and workout about 3 hours a day. (This is my form of self-harm. The way I look at it is for atleast 3 hours a day I am not thinking as hard about killing myself as long as I keep myself busy.) I HATE myself, I hate thinking the way I do, and I hate the way I look.
I have never had a girlfriend, I just can't bring myself to believe that someone would be interested in me after 23 years of self hate and lonliness. I did get close once, but she was way too good for me. She actually took time to get to know me (something that noone has ever done) but I let her go due to the fact that I am never good enough for anyone. This turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life. Now I think about her everyday and compare everyone to her (it has been 2.5 years and I haven't said a word to her). Up until then I just never had a connection with anyone, I guess nobody ever thought I was good enough to be called a friend.
I used to attempt suicide on occasion. Finally it got to the point where I was attempting suicide several times a day. I never had the balls to actually follow through. <Mod Edit:shades-methods> (not actually doing anything just wishing I would). I was doing the choking game long before it was a game, and I never wanted to "get high" from it, just die. Deep down, I knew that this wasn't going to kill me but I was hoping for an accident or something. Some days were worse than others, <Mod Edit:shades-methods> but like I said I never had the balls to do it. I made only a handful of suicide notes, and I made those on the days when I was thinking about something more than just passing out. My worst attempts were <Mod Edit:shades-methods> the most recent being last week. <Mod Edit:shades-methods> But the worst was my experiance with <Mod Edit:shades-methods>. I would sit in my apartment hating my life, thinking about what other people were doing in their fun lives. I mean I was in college, I was supposed to be having fun, but I wasn't. Even at the couple parties I went to I felt like such an outcast, I didn't know anyone or felt like I belonged there. And people knew that something was wrong with me but I would say I was "fine" and they would leave me alone again. I just wanted someone to talk to because I was thinking about suicide every single time someone asked me, "what's wrong?" I was hoping someone would see that, but no one ever did.
Anyways I was in my apartment and I had <Mod Edit:shades-methods> still alone in my room without a friend in the world. Then I started making my own mixed drink with <Mod Edit:shades-methods>. I passed out on my bed and woke up 3 hours later with extreme stomach pain, it was so bad I couldn't sit still. I just rolled with my legs at my chest trying to scream silently to not wake up my roommates who to this day never knew how sad I am. I ended up in intensive care with morphine and a heart monitor.
After that I was too afraid to try anything like that again, I was back to choking. I did this for a while up until recently when I met this other girl. I thought she would be different, I opened up to her a little more a little faster and hoped that she would call me. I don't call people because I think that if they are not talking to me they don't like me. She seemed interested but she never called. Last week I tried to OD on <Mod Edit:shades-methods>. The only thing that happend is I scared myself waking up in the middle of the night, hot, sweaty, extremly paranoid and thinking I kept hearing something that wasn't there, and worst of all I was too scared to fall back asleep for the fear that I might die. I don't know what is wrong with me. I know that deep down I don't want to die, but I hate my life and myself so much that I don't want to live in it. I think that if I had friends my life might be a little easier, and I know that if I had a girl my life would be worth living.
There is more to my story but I think I have taken up enough of your message board. For the few of you who might have made it through this thanks for caring.
Dom
Sorry in advance for the long post. I am new here and wanted to share my story to all of those who care.
I have been depressed for as long as I can remember, even as a little kid I always felt like nobody ever wanted to be around me. I am 23 now and just graduated from college. I don't know why people choose to ignore me even to this day. I am a good person, probably one of the best and most loyal. I treat people as though they are going to fuck me over, because I have not met someone who hasn't. I don't trust anyone, because of the way I have been treated, but I am always willing to talk if someone would approach me. Please don't misinterpret what I am saying, I do not treat people like shit or anything like that, I just find it hard to call anyone a friend because I had a few friends once but they all stabbed me in the back. Nor am I the victim of bullying or anything like that, in fact I was an active member and leading scorer on a university athletics team, box, and workout about 3 hours a day. (This is my form of self-harm. The way I look at it is for atleast 3 hours a day I am not thinking as hard about killing myself as long as I keep myself busy.) I HATE myself, I hate thinking the way I do, and I hate the way I look.
I have never had a girlfriend, I just can't bring myself to believe that someone would be interested in me after 23 years of self hate and lonliness. I did get close once, but she was way too good for me. She actually took time to get to know me (something that noone has ever done) but I let her go due to the fact that I am never good enough for anyone. This turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life. Now I think about her everyday and compare everyone to her (it has been 2.5 years and I haven't said a word to her). Up until then I just never had a connection with anyone, I guess nobody ever thought I was good enough to be called a friend.
I used to attempt suicide on occasion. Finally it got to the point where I was attempting suicide several times a day. I never had the balls to actually follow through. <Mod Edit:shades-methods> (not actually doing anything just wishing I would). I was doing the choking game long before it was a game, and I never wanted to "get high" from it, just die. Deep down, I knew that this wasn't going to kill me but I was hoping for an accident or something. Some days were worse than others, <Mod Edit:shades-methods> but like I said I never had the balls to do it. I made only a handful of suicide notes, and I made those on the days when I was thinking about something more than just passing out. My worst attempts were <Mod Edit:shades-methods> the most recent being last week. <Mod Edit:shades-methods> But the worst was my experiance with <Mod Edit:shades-methods>. I would sit in my apartment hating my life, thinking about what other people were doing in their fun lives. I mean I was in college, I was supposed to be having fun, but I wasn't. Even at the couple parties I went to I felt like such an outcast, I didn't know anyone or felt like I belonged there. And people knew that something was wrong with me but I would say I was "fine" and they would leave me alone again. I just wanted someone to talk to because I was thinking about suicide every single time someone asked me, "what's wrong?" I was hoping someone would see that, but no one ever did.
Anyways I was in my apartment and I had <Mod Edit:shades-methods> still alone in my room without a friend in the world. Then I started making my own mixed drink with <Mod Edit:shades-methods>. I passed out on my bed and woke up 3 hours later with extreme stomach pain, it was so bad I couldn't sit still. I just rolled with my legs at my chest trying to scream silently to not wake up my roommates who to this day never knew how sad I am. I ended up in intensive care with morphine and a heart monitor.
After that I was too afraid to try anything like that again, I was back to choking. I did this for a while up until recently when I met this other girl. I thought she would be different, I opened up to her a little more a little faster and hoped that she would call me. I don't call people because I think that if they are not talking to me they don't like me. She seemed interested but she never called. Last week I tried to OD on <Mod Edit:shades-methods>. The only thing that happend is I scared myself waking up in the middle of the night, hot, sweaty, extremly paranoid and thinking I kept hearing something that wasn't there, and worst of all I was too scared to fall back asleep for the fear that I might die. I don't know what is wrong with me. I know that deep down I don't want to die, but I hate my life and myself so much that I don't want to live in it. I think that if I had friends my life might be a little easier, and I know that if I had a girl my life would be worth living.
There is more to my story but I think I have taken up enough of your message board. For the few of you who might have made it through this thanks for caring.
Dom
Last edited by a moderator:
