I'm Ken - I'm done

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kenvanderwiel, Jul 2, 2014.

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  1. kenvanderwiel

    kenvanderwiel New Member


    I've never been to something like this before. However, I'm alone. Completely alone, and don't know where else to type my feelings.

    A month ago I lost my job. I was wrongfully terminated. I am the sole supported of a girlfriend and 3 young children whom I love dearly.

    That was hard enough. Build up a lot of tension with me resulting in being the horrible person who couldn't provide for his family. I had a plan though. I received unemployment due to being wrongfully terminated and was in the process of starting my own business. Sounds good right?

    A week ago we got into a fight. Another fight. This time she blew $1500 in mistakes. She was always in charge of the bills. She liked money. She mess up though big in not paying bills and I found out. Of course I was mad. Long story short I threatened her life. I would never touch her though, period. I'm a bad person but I'm not like that. When I fell asleep she took the kids and our car and left.

    Since then she's filed for full custody and will not let me see my children. Due to this money and me losing my job I'm days from being evicted. I have no water and power is due to be shut off any day now.

    As far as friends and family I have none. My mother lives in Colorado and father in Pennsylvania. I'm alone here in Houston. Friends were all from work and since I was terminated they no longer speak to me. Funny how that works.

    I absolutely have nothing. She took the car, I have no food, I eat bread and water. I can't sleep, I puke from stress all the time and I can't stop crying.

    Basically I'm done. I have found ways to do what needs to be done. I have a time and I have a way. My kids deserve someone better than this in their world and it's better if they didn't even know I existed. Ever.

    I don't know why I'm posting this, maybe so someone will not make my mistakes as well. In any event, I hope this reaches some eyes. I feel it won't reach mine ever again.

    Good luck to all of you strangers out there,

  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Is there any chance of any sort of mediation between you and your partner? Either through a relationship counsellor or just asking her to sit down and talk about things to explain that you didn't mean what you said, you were just angry. It may not change the status of your relationship but you may come to some amicable arrangements re: your house, children etc.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I don't believe you're a bad person at all. You said something in the heat of the moment that you shouldn't have, but that doesn't make you a bad person. No matter what, your kids need you, and they need you to do your best to fight for them. If you were to end your life, one of the things they may think is that they weren't enough for you to fight for. I know it's terrifying, that you're in a horrible situation right now. But I hope you can try to fight your way out of it, one small step at a time. Here if you feel like talking, my PM box is always open.
  4. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    Ken, this is no big deal. you'll get another one.
  5. JV3

    JV3 Well-Known Member

    It sounds like a lot of these things are still very fresh, and you haven't really had enough time to mentally and emotionally cope with them. It's understandable you del the way you do, but you owe it to yourself to give yourself more time to sort things out. What you've described is a lot to take on, and you've just got to handle it one problem at a time.

    You said you were drawing unemployment? If you were only fired a month ago, that should help you out for a little bit, right? If you were paying into unemployment at your previous job, and depending on how long you were there, you could potentially draw for several months. Obviously, I don't specifically know your situation, though, so this may not be the case.

    Just don't try to take on everything at once, and don't give up on yourself. You can get through this! It may take some time and endurance, but your kids will be happy you made it through!
  6. Suess

    Suess Member

    Ken, I recently lost my job through no fault of my own as well. I have no one in this world to help me out either. I am on my own. I freaked out and probably sent out 1000 resumes and the calls started coming in. It took me a total of six days to land a new job. I started a new job before the first unemployment check arrived. No matter how bad things can get, you can still change them. For those 6 days, the thought of losing everything sent me into a panic attack where I could barely catch my breath. But I'm doing it. One day at a time. I may lose this job down the road. No job is permanent anymore. All I can do is show up, do the best I can and TRY to save a little back for the next time this happens, as I am sure it will.

    I came to this board looking for answers because my fiance committed suicide on May 13. I was actually looking around to see if maybe he posted anything on here. I still don't have the answers I am looking for, but I can tell you that his family completely hates him for what he did. They aren't talking about fond memories of him. They didn't even put together a funeral or even an obituary. His life is basically erased as if it never existed. He didn't leave the people who loved him with good memories of the good man that he truly was, he left as a coward that is now hated by everyone that he loved. Don't leave it that way with your family. It's not the memory you want to leave them with I can assure you.
  7. jamie7718

    jamie7718 Member

    Suess this is also what is stoping me from doing it, the thought of what my family would think of me. but im so depressed. ive got loads of freinds but i feel so alone. I also lost my job 5 weeks ago which was all my fault. Ive been spending everyday looking for work, but every job there is 100+ people applying for it. and all they do is contact my ex employer asking them why I got sacked and thats game over before ive even got an interview. I just wish I was on my own and I could just do go without anyone noticing.

    Im going to the doctors on monday for the first time. Im going to explain how im feeling see if he can help
  8. Suess

    Suess Member

    Ken, we have a workforce center here where I live (Texas). Although they were not much help in finding a job, they have resources such as computer/fax machines etc to help in the job search. Or perhaps you are set up to do all of this at home. I completely understand the sheer panic you are in right now. I have been there a few times and the most recent job loss was in February. They brought in an intern to try and do what I was doing for 1/4 the costs. It's all too common these days. I lost another job because the bosses wife had a friend that needed a job. What I did was call my prior employer and let them know they may get a call for a reference. I changed my resume to leave off the place I was canned from. This time around, since I had just lost the job, I told prospective employers that I still worked there and not to contact them. You do what you gotta do to survive. I typically never lie, but when it comes to landing a job, I will do whatever it takes. If I don't, then who will. Your former employer is not legally allowed to give specific information about your termination, but unfortunately they often do so. Take them off of your resume if they are bashing you and preventing you from getting another job. Fill in that gap and say your were self-employed during that time frame.

    I am literally disgusted at the family of my ex-fiance. I know he should not have checked out on them they way he did, but to not even have a service is beyond me. The way they are all badmouthing him with stories of how horrible he was is just sickening. I knew him and I know the stories are not true. Yet, he is not here to defend himself. They have hacked into his Facebook, g-mail, etc. A few of them are even posting as him on Facebook which really freaks me out. He had a lot of friends who donated a lot of money for a service and his sister is actually on a Vegas vacation with that money right now as I type. Just sickening.

    For job searches a lot of employers are using Craigslist because its free. What pay 500 for an ad when you can get it for free. Some others that come to mind are Indeed.com; Monster; Yahoo Hot Jobs; Careerbuilders.

    Beef up that resume and do whatever it takes to pull yourself out of this!!! The fact that you are getting unemployment tells me you were fired through no fault of your own. Sadly, this is what our world has come to and no job is secure. We have to make it our number one priority to go out and get another one. Good luck man. I know you can do it!!

    Oh and as for the kids, you will get to see them no matter what. You will get visitation I can assure you. Even sex offenders get to see their kids with a chaperone, so there is no way this woman can prevent you from seeing your kids. There are laws in place that ensure this.
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