First off, I just want to say that this site is a good place for people who need support... it might not be the same as talkin to a professional, but it does help. For me on the other hand, I think i'm using this site to feed my self-pity. I've been thinking about this for a week or so, and I talked to some people about it too, and I think it's the right decision to leave... Not that any of you care, but I think i've made some good friends on here that at least deseve an explanation, or for people who just wonder... even though im sure its not that many lol. I don't really expect many people to read all of this, but im writing it anyway Everytime I log onto this website, I feel depressed, i feel that self-pity feeling I absolutely despise but at the same time crave. People on here will pity you too, and I guess it makes people feel good, including myself. However, I've realized that all self-pity does is feed my depression. I've been logging on here way too much, and I need to stop this self pity phase. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression since I was 13... and it's like i've always used it as an excuse for the way i am. Im sick and tired of feeling sorry for myself, I'm sick and tired of being mentally weak... I got into this hole by being in self-pity, and im sure as hell not going to get out by staying in self-pity mode. Shit happens, it's how you deal with it that matters. When I look at the past there is not one feel-good/proud moment i can think of, and that depresses me, the fact i've wasted my life and done nothing with it, the fact that everyone around you seems to be doing something with their life and headed places, but your still stuck in the same place... I spend my friday and saturday nights on Suicide Forum, I'm a 21 year old male... so on those nights i come on here and feel sorry for myself. I spend time in the chat and arcade saying "why me" look at how sad my life is, etc... I have no one to blame but myself for how i ended up. It's my fault for being mentally weak, it's my fault for letting other peoples actions and words effect how I think and what I do.... People are mean, people will do and say mean things, even people who are your family or "friends"... it doesn't mean i have to believe them or follow them, and thats where i made the mistake, is that i did, i believed them, or i made assumtions as to what others think of me and i believed it(ex. people think im ugly, stupid, without them actually saying it). I am mentally weak. I have no willpower, and that is my fault. Sure i can sit here and blame others for me being the way I am, but at the end of the day I let them effect me. So today is my last day on here... and officially tomorrow i'll request a mod to ban my account. I'm just tired of seeing my life pass me by... I always think whats the point in living? and i'm sure we all think that... but now i ask, whats the point in not living? We all die someday, might as well just have some fun for the short time I am here on this planet. I'm not going to let little things bug me anymore, if people don't like me, or don't talk to me, fuck em... their loss. There might be a lot of people who don't like me, there might be a lot of girls who don't like me, but im sure there is 1 of the billions who do, so i'll look for that person, it will be a fun adventure. I lost a girl i loved, she was my bestfriend or atleast i thought she was... and losing her as a friend sucked more than anyhting in the world, i spend everyday thinking about her, and its time i stop. She never cared about me the way I cared about her... and I'm not going to spend another second crying over someone who never gave a shit about me... it's time to fix myself, and in order to do that, i gotta fix my head. My mind always refelcts on the past, physical and emotionally abusive childhood, bullied at school, problems with friends, parents always fighting, mother being an alcoholic, poor academic performance... and still to this day i think about all that shit... I can't change the past, but i can influence the future... i dont want to think about the past anymore, what happened, happened. Thinking about the past just feeds my self pity and gets me no where except deeper into a hole. I've spent 21 years of my life doing nothing, and now i don't want to spend another day like this... I hope to all the people i've met on here, you find the courage to keep going, i hope that you have the mental strength to keep going and to put yourself first, and not let peoples actions or words effect you. Your emotions should be dependent on you, not on others... don't make yourself easily vulnerable to others actions or words. Take joy in the little things, and treat every day like it's a gift, because theres a reason they call it the present! For those that still want to keep contact, i will sign into my msn every now and then too... I'll be around here a bit today and later tonight, to say some final things to a few people, but by tomorrow im out of here... going to start a healthy lifestlye, and focus on my career now... and help as many people as i can along the way. Goodbye SF and I'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes, which I first heard in a video by Robert F. Kennedy(which he took from somewhere)... but it's still awesome. "Some men see things as they are and say why - I dream things that never were and say why not."