i'm torn between killing myself and finally making myself happy, or staying alive to avoid hurting the people who i know care. i don't know what to do. i want to die so badly, but i care too much about my friends and family to put them through that kind of pain. i'm tearing myself apart like this. i've never been one to help myself, i always put others before me. that's my biggest problem. maybe i should just try my best to make everyone hate me so that they'll be as glad as i am about my death.