Ok... here goes nothing... Anyone who has seen my last thread around Christmas saying I wanted to leave and knows what I'm going through could throw a big "oh really?" at the title. I kinda left altough I keep coming back to just see what's going on... not really reading anything but thread titles... I want to click on those threads and see what's in there, but I don't dare because I dont know what to say anymore to anyone... I've lost the ability to talk to anyone. I've literally been hiding and evading people I "know" just to avoid talking to them, because even a completely uninterested "hi there" seems painful and a hard thing to do to me. It doesn't help that I have no friends out there, just a few here on the internet... some people say they care for me, but that's only when I go to the grave, until then, they couldn't care less. I've also lost all ability to do or work on anything... I keep trying, but it's not trial and error anymore, it's trial and fail... college has gone down the drain... I'm not even going to show up at 2 exams this month because I haven't studied 1 minute for the last 3 or 4 months... there's 0 chance that I'll do anything more than make a mokery out of myself... not worth it... music used to be my passion... I can't play to save my life anymore, I'm also a hobbyist writer... or at least used to be because its been 2 full months since I wrote anything, and recently I read what I last wrote and deleted everything for its poor quality... I also used to love working out... now I can't do it for more than 30 minutes before giving up... I can't even find the will to post here anymore as I said... The day had 24 hours and I spend them all just staring at stuff I should do instead of doing them. If I lived alone I'd spend all my time in bed for sure, but my parents keep "whipping" me into doing something... or pretending to do something... I just pretend to be studying most of the day, listen to the same 1 album over and over again and eat... eat alot... I'm already putting on some large weight at this point. I really don't see a way out at this point. My life is wrecked to the point where I doubt it'll ever be a shadow of what it used to be, I just want to die and be allowed to stop fighting the tide... my parents keep forcing me to push foward, you people too... me and my father keep clashing, I keep suffering more and more, my life keeps finding new ways to become even worse than it was... It's over, I just want to shut down and stop this insanity. What a ponitless rant... at least it's a post... I guess that's as far as my long gone interaction skills can go.