I'm locked inside myself.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ordep, Jan 10, 2010.

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  1. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Ok... here goes nothing...

    Anyone who has seen my last thread around Christmas saying I wanted to leave and knows what I'm going through could throw a big "oh really?" at the title. I kinda left altough I keep coming back to just see what's going on... not really reading anything but thread titles... I want to click on those threads and see what's in there, but I don't dare because I dont know what to say anymore to anyone...

    I've lost the ability to talk to anyone. I've literally been hiding and evading people I "know" just to avoid talking to them, because even a completely uninterested "hi there" seems painful and a hard thing to do to me. It doesn't help that I have no friends out there, just a few here on the internet... some people say they care for me, but that's only when I go to the grave, until then, they couldn't care less.

    I've also lost all ability to do or work on anything... I keep trying, but it's not trial and error anymore, it's trial and fail... college has gone down the drain... I'm not even going to show up at 2 exams this month because I haven't studied 1 minute for the last 3 or 4 months... there's 0 chance that I'll do anything more than make a mokery out of myself... not worth it... music used to be my passion... I can't play to save my life anymore, I'm also a hobbyist writer... or at least used to be because its been 2 full months since I wrote anything, and recently I read what I last wrote and deleted everything for its poor quality... I also used to love working out... now I can't do it for more than 30 minutes before giving up... I can't even find the will to post here anymore as I said...

    The day had 24 hours and I spend them all just staring at stuff I should do instead of doing them. If I lived alone I'd spend all my time in bed for sure, but my parents keep "whipping" me into doing something... or pretending to do something... I just pretend to be studying most of the day, listen to the same 1 album over and over again and eat... eat alot... I'm already putting on some large weight at this point.

    I really don't see a way out at this point. My life is wrecked to the point where I doubt it'll ever be a shadow of what it used to be, I just want to die and be allowed to stop fighting the tide... my parents keep forcing me to push foward, you people too... me and my father keep clashing, I keep suffering more and more, my life keeps finding new ways to become even worse than it was... It's over, I just want to shut down and stop this insanity.

    What a ponitless rant... at least it's a post... I guess that's as far as my long gone interaction skills can go.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    The post is a start it is communicating. With your exams go and do them what is the point of not trying at least give it some finality. Is there anyway to change your atmosphere go somewhere inspirational that will maybe give you that spark you seek. I am glad you came back to post it shows you do still care about what happens. Change you scenery up change everything you can to get yourself out of this rut. Change your meds up change your doctor even get a new set of eyes a new perspective on things Stir things up a bit so it pushes you to move forward take care and keep posting okay.
  3. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    I have no meds and no doctor and my scenary... Short of moving out of the house I don't know what I can do... and I don't have the money to live on my own... As for the exams, I don't think I can go, see so many people, feel so out of my confort zone, alll to get a 1/20 or something? I don't think I can do that...
  4. silent_beast

    silent_beast Active Member

    Hi Ordep,
    I understand what you are going through. It's very hard to focus when it feels like your mind is racing all the time. I avoid work (like I am now with my A.P. World History assignments) because my mind is overwhelmed, and I am just not interested. I also understand your plight with finding people who genuinely care, and are not simply providing empty sympathy. At this point though, you must reach out to someone. You cannot close yourself off. Even if it means relying on your internet friends for support, you must call upon someone and interact. Unlock yourself from yourself. If you don't, you'll drown in you.

    Posting on the forum is a step. Continue to do so. :)
  5. Lost.

    Lost. Well-Known Member

    Sounds like what i've been experiencing for the past 2-3 years.

    Although it may not be the advice you want to hear right now - throwing in the towel and allowing yourself to regress into doing nothing is self-defeating and will only triple your misery. Trust me. I fucking hated going to school and felt like I was a zombie-esque slave to my routine, but looking back from a happier time in my life, i'm really glad that I sucked it up and finished what I started. Your emotions say give up, but your intelligence should be telling you to keep shouldering through.

    I had a stretch of time where I was completely numb to music as well until I searched back to what inspired me in the first place. I've resumed song-writing and feel a lot better now that I have an outlet for my creative energy again. My newfound inspiration eventually spilled over into poetry and writing.

    What do you and your father clash about? Is he aware of the extent of your depression? I think a lot of your depression may be a result of feeling that you have no control over your future and not being able to really express yourself. Me & my step-pops used to clash over the direction of my life, but he always just assumed I was a slacker rather than a sick person dealing with an abudance of extremely negative feelings. Being completely honest with him about my condition and reminding him that my life is my life was quite the emotional monkey off my back.

    Just hang in there, man.

    I've been in a long funk like you before and I finally feeling like i'm coming out of it. The most important thing to do is STAY PRODUCTIVE and not bury yourself into a deeper hole. Join a band, go out and try to have fun, make a calendar of little things to look forward to, think of all the things that used to make you happy and try to reintegrate them into your life, reach out and EXPRESS yourself to SOMEBODY...remember that you have a long ways ahead of you and plenty of time to get your shit together.

    Just DON'T throw up your hands and wallow. You will only beat yourself up more and later regret the time you wasted.
  6. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    There's only 2 words in my father's dictionary: money and profit. He couldn't care less about my depression. I'm not making money nor getting good results at college, so he makes my life a hell in order to make it as uncomfortable for me as possible. He loves money more than anything, has a 9-5 job, has a business selling stolen merchandise he buys from desperate junkies and already said that as long as I live here, half of all I earn goes to him. His soul is in is wallet, there's no talking to him or making him understand what I'm going through.

    I've been in bands before, even tried some auditions some time ago, had people say they'll love to hire me but they can't. Long story, my ex has alot of influence in my music scene and she makes sure I stay out of it. I don't want to write songs when its obvious it'll be years in the least until I can even hope to find someone to play with, tried duting last year but it was just hurting me more.

    I havent given up for now, but I can only hit the wall so many times till I just fall dead on the floor, and quite frankly I dont want to hit it again. I'm tired of failling and have my past sucesses echoing on my mind, it's too damn much to live up to. I achieved so much and lost everything and every single day I hit myself in the head for losing it all...
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 10, 2010
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