I feel as though I've been suffering from depression for the last 14 years. From being bullied in school, to having high expectations from those around me that I could not meet, to friends leaving me, to not being able to commit to a direction in life that I found fulfilling, I've continued to feel this way. I'm unhealthy and overweight. I'm unattractive. I have difficulty in certain social situations, and I'm lazy. I'm also judgmental and selfish. I have only had relationships in my life and I'm 30 years old. When I was in high school, I had a crush on a girl, and used that as motivation to lose weight dramatically. It was unhealthy, but I felt good about myself after, although that did not eventuate into a relationship. 6 months later, a girl asked me out, and we dated for over a year, but in hindsight, I was not that attracted to her. During the relationship, I continued to gain weight. 4 years later, I gained an interest in bodybuilding methods. I went to the gym, lost a lot of weight and became relatively healthy and handsome. Soon after, I made a few friends (not close friends) who were international students, and while I wasn't entirely attracted to one of these friends, I had complimented her a few times and she became attracted to me and we dated briefly. I was completely heartbroken after this relationship ended, and my life spiralled out of control for the next 12 months. I injured myself at the gym, and lost all motivation. My weight came back, and while I found a fulfilling career which I excelled at and rose through the ranks, my weight ballooned without any self control. For the next 7.5 years, I continued to yoyo and dedicated myself to my work. 18 months ago, something inside me changed and I made a decision to challenge myself and lose weight and get fit. I told myself that I would stop working overtime, and commit to hitting the gym everyday and bringing my diet under control with the aid of physical trainers and nutrionists. It worked. 12 months ago, I was in charge of recruiting a few new staff members. There was this girl.. this very young girl. Who was as passionate about this job as I was. I hired her, with no intention of starting a relationship with her; heck, I wasn't even attracted to her physically, even if the age difference wasn't a concern. I found out a month later, after she started working, that she was in a relationship anyway, although now a long distance one as she had to move interstate to work for us. In the first month of her employment with us, I was present during her breakup with her boyfriend, as she decided that she could not handle a long distance relationship. I've never been good at comforting anyone, so I kept my distance as I was her manager and it would have been inappropriate anyway. Along with the other people I had recruited at the time, I began taking my lunch breaks with then, During my former 6 years at this company, nobody ever invited me out to lunch before, and all of a sudden this young, sweet girl was inviting me out to lunch every day. I told her how much I appreciated it, and how nobody every seemed to want to have lunch with me. 2 months later, she had issues with her housing, and as she didn't have any family, I offered for her to stay with me. I have enough spare bedrooms to accommodate after all, and offered her a temporary residence until she got back on her feet. After 3 weeks of living in the same house, I began to feel sexually attracted to her. I sat down with her and asked her how her apartment hunting was going. I told her that I didn't want to freak her out, or make her feel like she had to leave, however my biological urges were starting to kick in, and I was going to feel a desire to have sex with her. I told her all of this. She turned to me and said that she had felt the same towards me. She asked me what I wanted to do about it. I was worried. I never recovered from the trauma of my previous relationship. I couldn't even look at Facebook updates to witness how she or other people were getting on with their lives. Also there was this age gap, and me being her employer, and me having self esteem issues, and feeling like I'm taking advantage. I told her that I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, and that right now the urges were of a sexual nature ONLY. She said that she understood, and that she didn't want to simply have sex with me. After 7 days of contemplation and teasing, I decided to go for it. This beautiful, sweet young girl who was living in my house who had expressed to me a great desire to bed me, a friend who not only wanted but also needed me, and for the first time in my life, someone who I could hold genuinely interesting conversations with; I decided to go for it. 2 months later, problems started to arise. At first, she was really into me, more than I was into her. Then when I started taking issue with certain facets of her personality, I began to contemplate ending the relationship, but I felt the need to continue to look after her. As a result, those issues that I had with her personality became suppressed, and I subsequently fell head over heels in love with her. She could do nothing wrong, and while there were things that upset me, I only ever blamed myself and my own paranoia and inability to control my emotions. This became too much for her, and a month later, she told me that she didn't feel the same way about me anymore, and a month after that the relationship was over. I crashed. Hard. For the next month, I was an emotional wreck, although I tried my best to channel it into something positive, hitting the gym more than ever and losing weight rapidly. Then, something happened. She came to me one day, and asked for my company in the evening. She had some things she wanted to get off her chest about her family and friends. She came over to my house, we drank; we had sex. And a few days later it happened again. And again the next day. She made it clear that we were not in a relationship. Over the next few months, this continued to happen at least a few times a week. She would always be the one to initiate; I was getting a bit frustrated, so I told her that it seemed a little bit one-sided, and she threatened to take it away essentially, so I stopped questioning it. 1 month ago, she stayed over at my house, and the following morning we had sex. 2 days later, she went away on a 25 day trip to Russia. During the first 2 weeks while she was away, she messaged me every chance she got, and told me she missed me. Then things changed suddenly. I barely heard from her, and anytime I told her I missed her, it was met with silence. I was supposed to pick her up from the airport, and the day before she came home, she asked me not to pick her up. I insisted; besides, she had left me her house keys. She came back home 3 days ago, fundamentally changed. She talked about the friends she met on the trip, and started talking about this guy she met, this guy. This guy who she altered her plans to stay behind in order to spend time with, alone. I was driven mad with frustration and suspicion, I can't believe that she would be that callous or uncaring, but I could not bring myself to ask her about it. I asked her about her future, and she had completely changed her priorities to focus on UK and Russia now. Any intimacy that we had, was gone. I took her home, and dropped her dog off later in the day. We went out to brunch, and she asked to be left alone. Bearing in mind that prior to her leaving, we would not go more than 2 days without seeing one another, and we always found time to spend with one another, almost always she was the one to instigate the plans. I have had fleeting messages from her, for the last 3 days. I have been unable to sleep, I have been crying and talking to my family, my trainer, my psychologist; today I was truly alone all day with my cat. I've felt anxiety attacks, heart racing throughout the day, everytime I reach over to my phone to check to see if she still cares, but she doesn't. I hate my phone. And then she messages me, something in passing, asking me potentially if we could go boxing tomorrow night. We can't, because the classes are not on at this time of year, but the fact that she messaged me and asked, was enough to ease the anxiety. I felt like part of her still cared about me, or maybe I'm a fool for believing so. For the last 72 hours, she has been home. I missed her for almost 4 weeks, and we used to spend all our free time together, and she has now had 72 hours of free time that she has chosen not to spend with me. And it really, really hurts. This entire afternoon, I've been trying to switch my brain off and failing. I don't have any friends I can talk to. I hopped onto dating websites just to see what's out there, to get my mind off it, but my current lack of selfesteem made it seem like I was not going to be a match for anybody I found attractive. Then I started looking up suicide methods and spent a few hours reading about suicide attempts and messages. I keep looking over at my phone, and even as I write all of this, I'm reliving the passionate moments of our relationship. Kissing her, making amazing love to her beautiful body while she complimented mine, sleeping with her legs draped over me. I miss it so much. And I know what people say. Things are going to get better. She's not worth you. You put too much effort into this. There's plenty of people out there. Find comfort somewhere else. I know of all this. I know I have my family who want to talk me through this. But I miss the company of an intimate partner. Not necessarily actually have sex, but have someone who I am physically intimate me, holding me and caressing me in a loving manner. Family can't fill this. Heck, nobody but her can fill this, as I've looked over what's out there, and I just don't believe that anyone can fill that role. So how do I find peace? Through suicide. Why can't I just have someone fat and ugly fill this role for me? It'd be easy. Because I'm a judgmental prick too. Even know I keep looking over at my phone, just hoping that she finds the sense in her to ask me for some company tonight. I know I would be over there in a heartbeat, through self preservation and easing my anxiety. But everyone I talk to tells me that it's the wrong thing to do, that she hasn't done right by me if I've been made to feel like I can't talk about this with her. I'm really, really lonely.