I'm lonely.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by KyleV, Sep 15, 2016.

  1. KyleV

    KyleV Member

    Thank whoever created this site and everyone that in here. Lately it has been hard on me. I migrated to the US from a South East Asia country with my family last year, leaving behind everything I known. A 23-year-old man in a new country, trying to fit in. I got relatives here so my family don't exactly suffer financially. I can even say things have been good. But the pressure, the expectation, the loneliness are so overwhelming. I'm an eldest son in a family with deep tradition, so everyone expect the very best out of me and I can't show sign of weakness. I have to stay strong for the family. But here I have to restart everything, college, life, work... Everyone expect me to take care of my youngest brother, anything not A is not acceptable in college, and also 6-hour part time job. I know that much is not hard for many people, but it's really hard without anyone you can talk to. My father is very understanding, but he has enough things to worry about, I can't trouble him more than that. My mother, she does try to be supportive and have good intention, but she often become unreasonable and yelling and blaming out of the blue so she put more stress in me than she thought. It doesn't help that I can't make any friend here. Mostly because I don't have time to socialize with anyone. I wake up in the morning, go to school, lunch, go to work, go straight home after work to do homework, bed at 1 AM. Repeat the next day. I used to be a very active person, love to do Karate and go out. This situation bores and frustrates me beyond control. My friends back home stop talking to me since I too stop talking to them. I feel like i'm being crushed under the family expectation. I must work, and my grade must not be anything but A, and don't forget your siblings too. What about me? Hey I have feeling too, not some Terminator. The only light in this is my girlfriend back home. But my upbringing does not allowed me to share my true feeling about my situation with her. I'm her support. You are the man who will protect her for the rest of her life, you can't show weakness like this. I take my pride in the fact that I was able to do that for 5 years. So now even myself don't allow me to appear weak before her. I know she will understand, but I'm scared of losing her since this weakness has never been a part of what I am to me/ to her. It feel like I will lose her and myself if I let her see me like this. I fear that this is taking its toll on me. I'm beginning to lose my temper often, even some small issues irritate me and make me want to yell, to curse. I always wake up feeling like a P.O.S every single morning. I need a large cup of coffee each meal to keep me going through the day. I'm beginning to have suicide thoughts. Sometimes I dream about hugging my girlfriend and our first kiss just to wake up in the middle of the night and realize i'm alone in bed. I burst into tear every time. I feel so helpless and lonely inside. I even consider calling the suicide hotline just to ask if someone can please read a story for me tonight. I desperately want to feel my girlfriend touch again, it drives me mad. I would laugh at myself and then cry, then laugh again. I wonder if something inside me already break.

    My mind is a little fuzzy when I write this. So I know this would be really hard to read. It's not very well-organised I know. But if anyone do read this, thank you very much for listening to me.
  2. Dikta

    Dikta Autistic.

    I'm sorry to hear how it is for you.

    Isn't there a counselor or psychiatrist at your school?
    And I mean you can try and talk to people at school, during lunch? Maybe even during periods where you're in groups? Or at work, I'm sure you can make a few friends during the eating breaks ir times with a bit freetime, like when there aren't many customers etc.

    I do think you should at least contact your doctor about your thoughts and stress. It'll be helpful.

    And I'm sorry to hear how much you miss your girlfriend, although I understand it too. But I think you should try and open up to her about some of your thoughts or at least just vent in a small manor, if you fear it'll be too much. I'm sure she'll support you and she probably has stuff to vent about too.
    And maybe you and/or her can try to figure out a date to visit one or the other?
  3. KyleV

    KyleV Member

    Thank you. They have career counselor here, never heard about psychiatrist though.

    The amount of homework I have is huge, partly due to the fact that I have to do research paper/ essay in another language, so I need to time my schedule tight. During lunch I always rush my meal so I can have some more time to do homework. Then go straight to work. My work place give me 15 mins break and 30 mins for meal, but only the break count into the 6 hours I got paid, if I take 30 mins for meal I must stay at the work place another 30 minutes. So I use the 15 mins break to have dinner so I can go home a little earlier. At work there are only much older people than me, mostly 40, 50 year-old and they like to gossip and have small talk so I don't fit along. I always have to fake smile and answer their question, mostly to find info about me to gossip later. So they add more stress inside me. After I get home, I need to help translate the mails and bills for my mother, she know little to none English. Then check my youngest brother homework, then my homework. Usually after I done it's already past midnight. I must admit someday I'm too exhaust after that I go straight to bed without a bath, and the fear that I would fall asleep in the bath and drown. I can be here typing this only because I call in sick today to get a day off. So yeah this already cost me some much needed money.

    I will try to open up with my girlfriend. But the cost of traveling back home is too much for us right now. If I go back home, I would have to quit job, and it's rude in my home country to go back and don't have gift for EVERY SINGLE relatives. That too much for a guy in college with a part time job like me. My girlfriend just open a start up, a small clothing store, in my home country so she also too busy and short on money.

    I can't be myself in this kind of life. I hate this job, I only do it because I need the money. My state of mind most of the time is like this, " oh I want to do this. But must get to work. Oh I'd love to do some karate training, been so long since I touch it. But I need to complete these homeworks.....". It's like I lost my true self ever since I got here. Always have to bend my will for something else I don't enjoy and don't you dare complain about it. I kinda regret coming to the US. But as the eldest son, I can't abandon the family. I can't possibly selfishly stay behind to live the way I want. Everyone keep saying it's hard now but here you will have a better life later, your future is better here. You can say I lack ambition, but I'm content with an average job back home as long as I can be with my girlfriend. Actually if not for this migrate plan of my father, I would have marry her 2 years ago. Now we both have to wait for god know how many years. It broke my heart last time I call her she jokingly said she don't want to get married before 30. Back home, girls past 25 and still single are looking down on by fellow girls, and make parents worry about the girl's future. Her dream is for us to get marry, settle in a warm little house. And now I put her through this. we've been together ever since high school. I almost want to break up with her just so she can find happiness. But she actually threaten me not to do that else she would kill herself. That she would take care of herself and wait for me. This is what put down those suicide thoughts for me. But never in my life I have those thoughts, now I have them every 2 days. I used to be very easygoing, now I get mad when my mother ask me to translate for her when i was doing my homework. Such trivial thing, and it makes me visibly mad. I'm scared of what person i'm becoming.
  4. Dikta

    Dikta Autistic.

    Well I mean idk if a career counselor can help with your thoughts, but try and contact your doctor or look for a counselor to help you deal with the stress and your thoughts.

    Aah, well I mean it's actually not healthy to rush your meal, so if you tried to not eat as fast, you might still be able to socialize a little bit.

    But can't you just ask your parents if it's possible for you to get "free" from checking your brothers homework and helping with the mails, like so you can have a few moments to yourself. Your dad can help your brother and mother? I know it's mostly that "Elder brother" thing, but still.. I think you should at least try and talk to them about it and how it makes you feel.

    Well you can at least save up, if you should have a few extra money now and then. And I guess it doesn't have to be expensive gifts?

    Understandable, maybe you can do some karate in the weekends or are they booked as much as your week days?

    And maybe your girlfriend said the marriage thing, so you didn't have to stress about that too? Ans well I mean I kinda understand her, since you must be her true love. So and don't break up with her because of this, since it'll make both of you very sad. And I can kinda tell you're each others love. And I'm glad you have that.

    But yeah, sorry if I'm not doing much to help. But I think you should at least ask your parents about getting some days off from your duties at home, seek professional help for your stress and thoughts. And just open up a bit for your girlfriend.
    About getting social in school and such, I can't really say much else than, just try your best whenever you have a moment to say "Hey" to someone.
    You'll find friends.
  5. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Hi KyleV, welcome :)

    I have a question, you said you're 23 years old...are you that held down to your family tradition that it would be unthinkable for you to just move back to the U.S., find a job there, go back to school and live a happy life with your girlfriend, doing the hobbies (like Karate) that you enjoy? When I was younger I felt a great sense of responsibility to stay with a toxic and abusive family, not saying yours is, but I was miserable and felt I had no choice. But you always have a choice, sometimes it's not easy. I left the family behind and decided to live the life I wanted and I'm happier than I've ever been. Anyway, that is just food for thought, for you to think about. I'm sorry for your situation. xx