Im loosing control

[Rachael1]

life is seriously spiraling out of control, took my first overdose on the 25th October...collapsed and hit my head on the concrete floor. 6 days in hospital. they had no idea what made me collapse. 3 days after discharge, another overdose...rushed into hospital with abnominal pains....still the cause goes undetected. two weeks ago, took a cocktail of tablets that i had lying around whilst at college (took the tablets with me) rushed back into hospital with halucinations and muscle spasms. 2 hours ago....took another load of tablets, probably wont do anything to me though...my body seems to be resisting everything thats been thrown at it. the sense of loosing control of my life scares me. i seem to be daring myself to try different things, stronger things. like its a game between my mind and body...which one will give first. at first i was depressed, i started loosing interest in the things i loved. i just wish id found help at that point, before it got any worse. i feel as though im beyond any kind of help now, ive lost all trust and confidence in people and i have never spoke to anyone about my feelings. This all started 3 years ago, its amazing how fast life can go downhill. one minute your surrounded by people who love you and then BANG your all alone. they say being betrayed by someone you love is one of the hardest things to deal with. its harder when that someone is family, someone whos not supposed to let you down, someone who promised to be there forever by your side. oh well, as i type this, im already feeling the affects of my latest OD. not so long ago, i was the sort of person who couldnt understand why anyone would want to take their own life. but now i understand. what is the point in living when youve got nothing worth living for and are surrounded by people who just dont understand.

for anyone reading this, thinking that im going to drop down dead at any moment, chill. Im not that lucky!! ill probably just be ill for a few days, which i dont mind, ill be left alone for a while, in a dark, quiet room. i just cant help but worry that its only going to get worse and that il keep doing this to the point where my body gives up the fight.

 

[Butterflyaway]

Hi there. I hope you are able to read this and not feeling too ill at the moment. It sounds like things have really taken a downward turn for you recently. It’s actually not easy to die. My body sounds like yours – no matter what you throw at it, it just keeps going.

You say you have never spoken to anyone about your feelings. Would you consider giving it a try? Things seem so bad that you have nothing left to lose. Would you talk to a professional/stranger? It may take some time for you to trust them but it seems you have nothing to lose at this stage and it may even help a little.

I’m new to this forum too and wasn’t sure what to expect from it but one thing I have gotten from it is knowing that there are other people here who genuinely feel like I do and I find it kind of comforting that I’m not alone (sorry). There are also people who seem to have made some progress with their difficulties and it’s nice to read that too.

Can you update on how you’re doing?

 

[Sadeyes]

Rachael...you are not online now, but when you return, know that there were people thinking and concerned about you...it is not too late...I felt I was a lost cause many times..too damaged to be put back together again, and through the work with a wise therapist and some luck, I was on the road to a life...please try to talk about what you are going through and seek help...you are worth it...and please tell us how you are doing

 

[empty sunday]

Rachel, i totally, totally know how you feel. Actually my story is very similar to yours. I was a "happy" person until a cold hearted soul broke me heart. As well as you, I used to be the kind of person who did not understand how others could take their own lifes away... I cannot believe that just some 2 years ago i used to be this guy who laughed and enjoyed life, its insane how fast and radical i changed in less than 2 years. Now nothing makes me smile, i find people boring, and the worst, i sometimes really dont want to go on with this life. What can I tell you? well, im also sad and confussed. But there is still that small light inside of us that refuses to die, and thats hope. So please, fight for that light. The fact that we ended up in this Forum is a testimony of our desire to survive. So fight for it. Maybe its trivial for you, but your story and some others that i have read here have helped me feeling better. In my daily activities im surrounded by fucking Zombies, by people who just care about money and profits. its disgusting. But to come here and read all your stories make me realize that i am not alone. that there are more People like me. People like you Rachel that understand of pain. People who know what dispair is. People who care. Not like all those Zombies that just live in a superficial and empty way, full of selfishness and lies. My self-inflicted attemps are very similar to yours, and when you are there, when you cannot think nor see well, when the drugs in your blood make you feel that thats it, that you are over, you can still see that light im talking you about. It is always there. Yes, life is cruel. Love is cruel. Nature is cruel. Time is cruel. People are fucking cruel. But that light is always there... it survives everything not matter what, and that makes it stronger than all the shit in this world. So fight for it please. You are not alone. There are thousands like us. There are still good hearted people in this world. So please, dont let them defeat you. We need you here with us. We, the ones who care. Hang on. If you got depressed because of a romance, that pretty much means that you are a good person. Only the eternal souls can loose control because of a romance. That makes you so so special. 99% of the people just go jumping from skin to skin, from one relationship to the other, like animals, with no remorse of any type, with no tears, with no pain (or nor that much)... and thats fucking scary. They say its healthy, but no, its just fucking scary... how they just dont seem to feel. But you are not like that. Just as you understand of pain, you also understand of love. Believe me, you and all the people in this forum are so special. We need you with us.

 

[Rachael1]

im not doing too good. to be honest. just lying in bed vomiting every few hours. my mother thinks ive got a bug or something, il let her keep thinking that. the pains not too bad, just a moderate stomach ache and extreme weakness. ive got no appitite and havnt drank water since sunday, so dehydration will probably start kicking in pretty soon. its amazing how hard ive got to concentrate just to type this. i appreciate all the replys and i know where your all coming from but at this moment i really cant see the point in trying anymore. il keep updating if i can, and see what happens from here but right now i feel so ill, im just going to go back to sleep

 

[empty sunday]

what happened rach? give signs of life please. i dont want to sound selfish or as if i only cared about you because of my own behalf, but if you dont survive this i dont know what will i do since im in the same situation as you. actually the day i opened my account here i wanted to write my situation but then i read your story and saw myself there, and somehow i could give me therapy with what i wrote you some days ago. but that was on sunday i guess, today thursday i again feel like shit, again under pills, again scared, again full of rage and sadness. disgusted by people. disgusted by "friends". disgusted of the things people laugh about. disgusted by popular music and how everybody seems to love it. again crying cuz someone broke my heart 2 year ago !! 2 fucking years ago !!, i hate people in general, nothing amuses me, nothing makes me laugh, nothing makes sense, people run away from me cuz somehow they can feel my depression they are fucking selfish, but i dont care, anyway i dont want to be related to them.... oh god, i fucking hate people, thats my main fucking problem, People: god´s worst mistake. really if the world actually comes to an end this year at least i hope the next race turns out to be better than humans cuz honestly god made a very shitty work with us. sorry for using your thread to pour my own blood on it. anyway, poison is poison anywhere.

 

[Rachael1]

im ok, i was sick as a dog for a few days and i still feel pretty shit, but i just feel like shutting myself off from the rest of the world at the moment. I too dont seem to get on very well with other people, i dont have time for people anymore. I dont really care what others think of me anymore, most think im just a bad tempered, anti-social person, as thats probably right. I have my own father to blame for my lack of trust in people and unfortunatly everytime i seem a little girl with her dad it makes me feel angry inside and i end up taking it out on whoever is around me. Im lucky to have a lot of animals around me, they seem to understand better than anyone ive ever met. Im still as depressed as ever and i accept the fact that il never be completly happy so i just trudge along in auto pilot. Iver taken four overdoses of tablets, been hospitalised three times and taken all sorts of poisons (poisonous plants). Im not proud of it, eveytime i did it, it was because i snapped and broke down. I just wish i had found help when this all started, then maybe it would have been possible to do something.

 

[alyssaswoon]

It's never too late so seek help! I've been at rock bottom, trying to overdose (and various other methods of suicide) and failing. Each time I thought life could never get better and that I was a lost cause. But the last time I ended up in the hospital from a suicide attempt I asked the doctors in the ER if they could help me find someone to talk to and give me the proper medication for my depression/anxiety. Now I have two doctor's who are working together to help me find purpose in my life and properly diagnose me so I can start the right medication.
No one is beyond help, you just have to want the change. What's the harm in trying? If your life is at it's lowest point then you have nothing to lose at least give someone the opportunity to help you, you never know, it could be the change that saves your life.

 

[Rachael1]

yeah i guess but i have a real hard time talking to people face to face, thats the beauty of this forum. i get really anxious talking to people i dont know. Its not that i dont want to feel better, id give my right arm to be where i was 5 years ago. i came close to asking for help after my first overdose. I went into the hospital to ask for help but i couldnt do it. so i ran. thats how i escape my problems, if i feel uncomfortable about a situation i run from it, and if i cant run i panic. i know its pathetic.

 

[alyssaswoon]

It's not pathetic, depression and anxiety is something you sometimes can't control through no fault of your own. I've done my fair share of running but it got me nowhere. I have a really hard time talking to people (especially about myself) but I got so sick of being sad all the time that I got over that fear to try and feel better. Only when you're ready to ask for help will it work for you. Sometimes it's difficult, but living day to day with suicidal thoughts is much more difficult than sessions with a therapist (trust me, I've been there).
This forum has helped me a lot as well, knowing other people feel very close to how I feel/felt comforted me and gave me the confidence to finally seek help.

 

[WldHair]

Rachel, I'm so glad you're still with us. In saying this, allow me to say, please stop what you're doing. I'm sorry your dad let you down, but killing yourself and acting out over someone who doesn't care one way or another, or who knows, maybe he cares and has problems of his own where he can't be there for you, it's just not worth it. And think about your mother. Did he let her down too? If so, do you think she would enjoy losing you as well? Why don't you focus your energy on banding with her and helping her out? Instead, you have her running back and forth to the hospital worrying about you. I'm saying this to help shift your focus away from your pain and onto something greater. As far as other people, the average person doesn't know how to deal with depression, and they will abandon you. The reality is, we have to go through the darkness. Many of us have to deal with situations in life that shouldn't happen but do. I don't know my real mother and father because I was given up for adoption by a woman who didn't want to look at me when I was born. I took that as abandonment and acted out over it for a long time until a wise individual told me pretty much what I'm telling you. This woman had her own problems or didn't care, but that was no reason to throw my life away because I didn't have her. I had the gift of life, so I stopped allowing other people to make me feel worthless because they didn't want to be friends with me or didn't want to hear me talk about my depression. I got through it by listening to the spirits and people who were there and stopped focusing on those who weren't.

So stay with us, you just may find yourself on a path and accomplishing something you never thought possible.

 

[Rachael1]

i wish i could bond with my mother but we are two completly different people, we have nothing in common and we have completly opposite personalities. I cant stand to be around her for too long without really loosing my temper. Its not fair to expect her to change just to please me and i dont want her to change, she is as she is. My mother wasnt really involved with me during my childhood, we never got on and i spent 99.9% of my time with my dad, so i gew up very much like my dad and didnt really bond with mum. now that im living with her and my little sister, its unbearable being at home. I go for long walks with the dogs by myself or ride my horse for hours. being alone for so long, i started thinking about the past too much and thats where its all started from. I would be walking on my own in the middle of nowhere and just break down. in a way i feel guilty because me and dad abandoned my mum because we were sick of her shit. we just left the house one day and never returned. thats when my dad changed. i came back to my mum because it was no longer safe to be with my dad. my mum has no idea what he did to me, i just told her we had an arguement. i just feel like im screaming and nobody can hear me.

 

[mackaroni]

I am glad you are reaching out to us here on the forum. I would greatly urge you to reach out to someone in your own life! You need some more help and encouragement than us through a computer screen can provide. I will be sending good thoughts your way!

 

[Rachael1]

had a really bad day today. ended up fighting with my mother again. we are such different people, she seems to enjoy putting me down constantly. everything i say or do, its just not good enough. we fight over the stupidest things. moving furniture in the living room turned into a full blown arguement and she hit me because i answered her back. im 20 not 12, im not going to let her talk to me like im a child. i came so close to hitting her but i stopped myself. i took the dogs and left. walked aimlessly for miles, with her words going round and round my head. walked around a dissused mine and came to the edge of the quarry. sat on the edge with my feet hanging over, looking down into what looked like the abyss. im usually terrified of heights and cant handle going up ladders. i felt no fear at all. just numbness. all i could think of was i could end it all right here and now. all the pain. all the memories. just jump. and everything will go away forever. i stood up and looked down. closed my eyes and could see the face of the bastard to got me here in the first place. and i realised that if i jump he wins. i stood ther for ages just crying. id be a coward for jumping and he would win. if i go home this pain is going to continue forever. obviously i went home. cut myself up pretty bad though. physical pain is better to deal with than emotional pain