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im loosing the feeling of myself

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by corral, Jun 19, 2007.

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  1. corral

    corral Guest

    hello everyone,
    maybe i could get some advice from someone. well im depressed its obvious cause my life sux... but here is the deal at the moment.
    i am in my mid 20s. my childhood wasnt nice, crappy parents, abusive father in every way.. i moved out 5 years ago and finally started feeling like a person, trying to forget the way i was treated and learning to deal with people and life... i made a bad choice of going back home now cause my situation wasnt stable.. i have no family yet and i am trying to build it, which i thought would be a good idea to come back here and earn some money, but i have to live with my parents and all other family members.. and now i see how different i am to them. completely. and i tell my friends (in other cities) about that and they agree that im a lot different. my parents are always negative, complain, yell and etc. and i have to live with them right now for a while and work with them, im never alone and im starting to lose myself.
    when i talk to my father i cant really look into his eyes cause he is an ass hole and really made me this scarry kitten.
    while i was on my own i felt like a person, woman, adult. here they make me feel like a kid, tell me what to do, just everything they do really makes me feel like a kid and i have lost all my confidence.. i dont know what to do with it.
    i need to deal with them about some my future plans, but i need to be strong for that, but its like i feel like a beatten up kid now and dont feel like an adult and actually afraid to say anything or do anything, thats what theyve made of me.
    any advice on how to feel strong? cause i know i am a better person but i feel really crappy.
    thanks... sorry if its not clear..
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2007
  2. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Corral, its really unfortunate that you had to move back home, it seems to me that you were doing well when you were away from your family. :hug:
    Is there absolutely no other option to living with them? Is your work near them, is that why you moved home, could you get a transfer in your job to another town/city, have you made any friends that you could share a flat with?
    Maybe you have tried all the other options, I just feel you have spent 5 years making your life better and proving that you are a good person, don't let them destroy that for you.

    One last thing, I think you ARE a very strong person and very brave, firstly for moving away and now for making the move back, when you felt that was what you had to do.

    Take care
    Hazel xx
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Get out as soon as you can. Like you, living with my parents and actually, even seeing too much of them, saps every ounce of confidence and self worth I managed to claw back from my childhood.

    If you have to stay for any length of time, come post or pm me if you'd rather, so that we can help bolster your confidence in your self. :hug:
  4. corral

    corral Guest

    hi everyone,
    thank you for your reply. yes i kinda had no choice but moving back. i finished my studies and couldnt find a job in another city and i had other plans to maybe go somewhere else to study after i work at parents for a bit (they said they would pay for it), but now plans changed and i have come here and wish i never did.
    i do want to move away sometime in september, but it can happen only with their financial help, they are wealthy but not sure if they are willing to help. they are selfish and just like doing what they like.
    and im kinda stuck because i have a hard long distance relationship already and if we dont get to move to one city in september we will separate for years (difficult situation). and my partner is my only real family.
    yes it took me awhile to become me, the way they brought me up affects me all my life, cause everything they did was wrong and now when i realise it more and more (i watch them deal with my sisters kids) it makes me want to puke. and they keep doing it, being rude, like its normal to be this way. i have broken down a few times and my sister talked to me and basically said its all my fault that i react like that.. that its me who is not normal, but they all are fine.. so i feel like a total stranger in my family, and to me they are not my family, i keep feeling so uncomfortable around them like i never felt anywhere else... its such a bad feeling, like you want to run away or just fall through the ground and it would feel better than this feeling.
    i need to talk about my plans to them again and im actually afraid to.. i am scared of my father and he is the one who manages all the money.
    they are totally stupid too.. im sure they never loved and just got together cause got pregnant... my boyfriend is far away in another country and we have been dealing with this relationship for 5 years and while im here when i was down.. instead of supporting me my father says - its your fault, you have chosen the relationship - .. and it just makes me angry that they are so insensetive and stupid.. its not like choosing a tv in a shop... they never told me they love me, or i never heard them say it to each other, never hug or kiss.. they are just stupid and not my family even if i was born there.. i cant wait to get out of here and never deal with them again.
    i cant rent anything else here its expensive, so i have to live with them, and i dont even have my own room, so no own time, always around them, nowhere to hide and this city is crapy so nowhere to go (its a city of workers, people come here to work... gas.. building.. so no fun)
    sorry im just so angry at them cause i know they are so wrong, and i dont care about what they are like but im angry at them for putting me down so much and for making me lose my self esteem.
    Terry i will send you a message.
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