I'm loosing track of why I'm trying... I'm loosing my will... I'm loosing the fight..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Darkness1978, Jul 16, 2010.

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  1. Darkness1978

    Darkness1978 Member

    So....here I sit wanting to kill myself.... convinced I'm pregnant... In a sad way it's a blessing, not suppose to be able to have babies... But I can't afford to feed myslef, i can't have a child now...totally isolated, more alone than I have words... broke... in essence homeless... my only real friend, is even more f*cked up than I am, I'm worried she out hooking, she does lots of blow, lives on peoples couches... But she never judges me, the only one that doesn't, the only one that will still interact with me even though right now I'm broken....I have men... men willing to help... for a price... If I was willing, I'm not... i can't bring myself to ***** myself out like that... Not that these men wouldn't be willing to play the part of my boyfriend... I'm "hot" men care little beyond that... The "father" on my theoretic child... Loves me in his own way, or so he says... But when I say I'm pregnant.. all I get is a grunt... a change of topic... I say I'm lonely, I want to die... hes cold detached... I mention dating other men... he cries.. this he cares about.... I say I'm leaving he cares about that too... But not so much my dieing.... I don't understand... My mom won't even speak to me, shes the only family I have....i know if I where having a baby, she would want me then...Or at least want her grandchild.... Again I find it's not me thats cares for it's what my body can provide...Everyone I grew up with, thinks of me fondly... Calls me happy/sunny full of life/strong/positive... I say I'm hurting, they say... I'll recover after all Im "strong and sunny"... I'm not.... Not anymore... I'm unwanted when I'm weak... I cry on the street, I can't help t at times... Strangers hug me say they love me offer me support... Why does it take a stranger to love me??? How twisted is that??? I look for work, day after day... Have interviews, can't afford the bus to get to them... Seems so hopeless... The man who "loves me" can't help, he chases dreams, can't support the children he has... his friends support him.. he lied the whole time to me... lured me in with stories... none of it's true... I don't think anything he says is.... Each day I fight to make it to the next... I'm loosing track of why I'm trying... I'm loosing my will... I'm loosing the fight..
     
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Re: I'm loosing track of why I'm trying... I'm loosing my will... I'm loosing the fig

    I wish I had the right words for you and for me as I have the same questions you do, although for different reasons.
    I hope the best for us both, that life shines a bit of light and love on our situation and that we pull through this..sorry I am down and don't have more to offer but I could feel the pain in your post and wanted to reach out and tell you your not alone and you words have been taken to heart and heard.
    Take care Bambi
     
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Re: I'm loosing track of why I'm trying... I'm loosing my will... I'm loosing the fig

    Hi Darkness. I'm sorry that you're hurting so much and that you might be pregnant. I think that you need to find a guy who can provide you and your child support and stability. You need help with your situation. Can you go back to your mom's home and stay with her for a while? She can help you take care of your child, being his/her grandmother and all. I know that things are tough, but please don't give up. :hug:
     
  4. Darkness1978

    Darkness1978 Member

    Re: I'm loosing track of why I'm trying... I'm loosing my will... I'm loosing the fig

    Grrrrrrr, just wrote a big response and then the system said I had to log in again and my msg was nuked... OMG frustrating!!!!

    bambi thanks for taking the time to respond.... I know how hard it is to find words when the depression is weighing one down. let face it every little thing in life becomes almost overwhelming.... Like a million pound weight waiting to crush oneself...


    Dave... yes I have been thinking about turning to my mom... Sad that she has no interest in me outside of the child... But some help is better than nothing.... Not sure if she will even bother to listen to my voicemail's/emails though as I've been pleading with her for a while to please just respond to me, even once, but for whatever reason she just won't speak to me anymore....Perhaps she feels I'm to old to have any need for a mother... Meh, truth be told she never was "motherly" she was a friend... or perhaps an acquaintance......Yesterday for the 1st time i started considering keeping the child... It seems kinda cruel to bring a child into my sad little life... But it hurts me even more to think of ending the pregnancy, just so against the family/child loving person I am... I had nothing for a childhood myself, so I have grown up to value family above really all else... I was molested from a horribly young age, my father was priming me to be in essence wife #2.... I watched him burn/shoot my mother to teach me my lessons... He never once hit me.... After all he "loved" me..... Anyway back on topic... So he (babys father) was just sitting with me... I begged, yet again to show me some support... nothing.. silence... says hes going upstairs to write me a email... how sad is that??? He won't talk to his crying suicide pregnant GF... But he will go and coldly write me.... The exact opposite of what I need... But to him what I need, is clearly beside the point.... He offered to go with me for an abortion... Not to support me... but to make sure I go threw with it... so heartless... I wish i had anyplace else in the world to be.... being around him just drags me down so hard... Ive always been very strong/independent... Always been the big issue in past relationships, I never open up... ask for help.... For some reason he managed to fool me into thinking I would be safe to be open with him..... Rips me apart that the 1st man I have ever allowed myself to be human and flawed with seems to hate me for my efforts....

    Well, thinking time to go lay back down in the darkness and cry... Wait for this cold email... Provided he bothers to even write.... So pathetic...
     
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Re: I'm loosing track of why I'm trying... I'm loosing my will... I'm loosing the fig

    Hi Darkness. I'm so sorry to hear about the sexual abuse you had to endure at the hands of your father. He was supposed to love and care for you as a daughter and not incestuously. I'm also sorry to hear that your baby's father doesn't want to help or support you with your pregnancy. You definitely need someone to help you get through this, because being a single mother with little money is very hard. Please don't give up hope. :hug:
     
  6. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Re: I'm loosing track of why I'm trying... I'm loosing my will... I'm loosing the fig

    Im very sorry to hear about the difficulties in your life. Thne abuse and sadness. I am praying for you and hope you so too. You have had so much to deal with that many have not. You seem like a very strong person and a good one. I admire your stand regarding "help" from certain men PLEASE dont depend too much on the current people in your life for your emotional needs. We will help and be your friend and offer love and hope. PLEASE KEEP COMING BACK, sending love and prayers to you!!!!


    Write if you like,

    Marty
     
  7. Darkness1978

    Darkness1978 Member

    Re: I'm loosing track of why I'm trying... I'm loosing my will... I'm loosing the fig

    Thanks Dave... I'm doing my damnedest to just keep making it through each day.....Today I'm feeling a little pissed off, and using that to fuel my fire to survive.... For today it seems to be working... No tears just silent rage against the insensitivity Iv'e been taking... Anger perhaps isn't the healthiest emotion.... but better than despair....

    Hey there Marty, well said "dont depend too much on the current people in your life for your emotional needs".... Good advice, advice I've given others but I lost track of that along the way.. I can't make anyone be compassionate/truly loving....

    Well new drama with the baby dad today.... his ex is keeping his daughter from him... says the daughter doesn't want to see him... His daughter is feeling neglected... So he called the cops, lots of drama came from that... Now his daughter is grudgingly coming here... So.... I feel the only right thing I can do is leave.... I don't want to cause his girl any further grief... I know my being here is why she doesn't want to be here... She feels he neglects her to spend time with me... Yet he spends no time with me... In truth it's the computer that gets all of his time... But can't blame a child for thinking what she does.... So, I have phone interviews set up here... I'm going to miss them... I MIGHT have someplace to stay for a night, where s@x isn't a condition of my being there... No phone there, and it's in the middle no mans land... Totally screwing myself for work... But, what else can I do.... sigh... well guess all for now.. need to find a roof for the night....
     
  8. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Re: I'm loosing track of why I'm trying... I'm loosing my will... I'm loosing the fig

    Hey hope you find a place to stay if you live near me you would be more than welcomed...
    I had issues with my ex's child from a previous marriage, it can be a real nightmare if Daddy does not put his foot down.

    Well hope your safe and let us know how your doing.
     
  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Re: I'm loosing track of why I'm trying... I'm loosing my will... I'm loosing the fig

    I hope that you can find a good place to stay Darkness. :hug:
     
  10. Darkness1978

    Darkness1978 Member

    Re: I'm loosing track of why I'm trying... I'm loosing my will... I'm loosing the fig

    Well.... had a great week work wise lots of interviews have two positions offered to me within the same company, so thats the good news... And just took a preg test... Yep, very positive... Ummmmmm.... stunned... kinda.... I deep down have known for a while... So guess if nothing else, I get why I've been emotionally all over the place... Blah, not looking forward to the talk I'm about to have with the dad... He and I had a bad night, he was doing the cold/detached thing again.... All the meanwhile cooking me a nice well rounded dinner (the one thing he is great about, keeping me fed).... So.... now off to the doc to see how far along I am.... Sigh, wish I had someone to tell/talk to..... Once upon a time I wold have gone and woken the dad up.... But it's so weird with us I dont feel I can turn to him... Well...... d@mn..... One of those days a really wish my mom was willing to be part of my life, would be nice to have a mom to talk with.... So disappointed with myself for allowing myself to be in this situation... :(
     
  11. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Re: I'm loosing track of why I'm trying... I'm loosing my will... I'm loosing the fig

    feel free to talk to us here, I am sorry you have lost that person you can talk to maybe tell him how you feel? And I can also understand about your mom it hurts doesn't it. =(

    Take Care

    Rich
     
  12. Darkness1978

    Darkness1978 Member

    Re: I'm loosing track of why I'm trying... I'm loosing my will... I'm loosing the fig

    well todays talk with the father as been on MSN so far (gee how heartwarming).... He feels I'm to high risk to carry to term (and thats partly true I have some health issues).... Thinks given I have a a lump in my breast that I've never gotten a biopsy done on that thats an other reason to support terminating it....And on and on... thinking talking in person is not so necessary... I fully "get" his view on this.... Guess hes got real/valid points.... I know I shouldn't be bringing a child into the world, for sure not with a man who doesn't want it.... Just..... sigh.... I'm so lost/confused....
     
  13. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Re: I'm loosing track of why I'm trying... I'm loosing my will... I'm loosing the fig


    Congratulations, Darkness1978! Don't hurt your baby.
    A child might give you something to live for. It can take you to a new perspective, a larger purpose.
     
  14. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Re: I'm loosing track of why I'm trying... I'm loosing my will... I'm loosing the fig

    Hi Darkness. Be sure to make it to your doctor checkups to ensure that you and your baby are ok. Also, eat lots of healthy food to give your baby the best chance of being born normally. I hope that everything works out okay. :hug:
     
  15. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Re: I'm loosing track of why I'm trying... I'm loosing my will... I'm loosing the fig

    Im praying for you. See if you can bring the child in and forget the man if hes not interested. Please pray for guidance. You seem like such a good person I am so sorry you are faced with all this.Sending love and hope!!!!

    Write me if you like,

    Marty
     
  16. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Re: I'm loosing track of why I'm trying... I'm loosing my will... I'm loosing the fig

    Hun, are you living in the U.S.? Because, if you have any needs, housing or food, or even money, if you are pregnant, you are automatically eligible for help in all these areas, and will go straight ahead of the list. If you boyfriend don't care, you can get help from social services. Take care.
     
  17. Darkness1978

    Darkness1978 Member

    Re: I'm loosing track of why I'm trying... I'm loosing my will... I'm loosing the fig

    Well thanks a lot all for the feedback.... It went ok with he and I for like a day.... Today however we are back to my being ignored and him getting drunk... I just can't bring myself to be attached to this man for the rest of my life.... And a baby means forever needing to do visitation and so on.... Well.... I guess I could do to him what one woman already did like 18 years ago, runaway without a word and just have the baby and never look back.... But, I have issues with doing that too.... Seems so wrong to do that to a father... and a child... But when I'm honest with myself do I believe a child would benefit from him being around???? sadly not really... Given his youngest daughter within the last week refused to see him due to feeling neglected ( and she has been, he and I fight about it all the time)... Being honest I don't feel that he is fit to own the dog he has, never mind a child.... And I soooooo don't want to do this on my own.... Then there is the side of me that realizes I'm not very fertile... My getting pregnant was something I wasn't sure would ever happen for me, so wouldn't it be just so wrong to throw that all away??? On the other hand I'm super high risk, and would be on bed rest most of the pregnancy... And how the hell can I pull that off alone, with no cash, nobody to help me get food from the store and so on???? I am in Canada the government will help me some... .I so don't want to have to do that, sigh.. I am sooooooo confused.... So Monday I get to find out how far along I am... for all I know I'm so far along keeping it will be my only option.... Due to my fertility issues I didn't worry the 1st month I was late, now I'm well over two late... and if I'm three, well it's medically to late now.... I am more confused than I have words... and I have nobody to tell, other than him... and he's so d@mn cold to me.... I'd give anything to have just one person I could cry on and talk to.... d@mn hormones don't help.... Ive always been so strong and independent... and now I feel like I'm just so soft and needy.... I don't know how to cope with it all.... And I have the WORST morning sickness, but it lasts all day.... My body wants all kinda of things I don't eat... It's so weird to be taking a back seat to all these odd impulses... I'm soooo lonely... it's eating me alive...
     
  18. Darkness1978

    Darkness1978 Member

    Re: I'm loosing track of why I'm trying... I'm loosing my will... I'm loosing the fig

    Well last night he got gross/sloppy drunk.... Makes me wonder how I ever thought I had love for him.. Few things I hate more than a drunk... He's a good con artist, he had me %100 fooled, back when he "loved me" he put so much effort into playing the part of the good guy, the sober guy.... lies.... the more I think about the "real" him, the more I see how like my father he is (that thought makes my skin crawl, how the h#ll was I so stupid to pick someone like my drunken molester father, yuck)..... So last night he barged into the room tried to kick me out of here so he could drunkenly crank the tunes and feel sorry for himself... I got to try and reason with the drunk (always fun :(, blah)... Finally he staggered his sad man-child a$$ upstairs.... And today ignored me until 1:30.. Then came into the room to ask how I was feeling, and see if I wanted lunch??? Oh and to ask why I wasn't upstairs being "social".... boggles my mind how out of touch with reality he is... Oh and the topper on yesterday, he wanted me to drink with him... Seems like some sick attempt to make me have to terminate the child due by adding the risk of fetal alcohol syndrome... Who in there right mind offers a pregnant woman a drink?? Tried to get in touch with my mom.... not a word back... guess I'm not surprised... Everyone I know is going through there own crisis, I can't add my drama to there burdens... The only person I've told is the father, and I really regret doing that now.... So... I sit and write here... because I guess getting my thoughts on paper in some small way helps.... I'd really give anything for one person, just one to be in my life that I could turn too... Sigh... well guess thats todays rant....
     
  19. Darkness1978

    Darkness1978 Member

    Re: I'm loosing track of why I'm trying... I'm loosing my will... I'm loosing the fig

    Back from the doctor.... I'm 10-12 weeks along.... The doctor tried to refer me to an abortion doctor.... I didn't know what to do I just cried and left.... Didn't ask about the lump in my breast, or about medication to help with the never ending morning sickness.... I just lost it... The "father" is at a job interview right now... wrote me this email "Can you please let me know how it went? Also, I do have my MSN logged in. I wish there was something I could do. This entire situation so sucks."... Sadly that about the most supportive thing I have heard from him in a long time, and it's still pretty d@mn cold.... one of my childhood friends said she may be able to help me and have a room to rent for me if I choose to keep it... She lives in an other city, and thats is ideal... I don't want to be close to the "dad".... Shes being awesome... Has a daughter, has great advice about the morning sickness, she has also had to have an abortion before.... So shes been on both sides.... So good to tell someone who seems to care... Anyway... guess thats todays rant/cry......
     
  20. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    thank you for this last post

    your post are being read

    i am sure you are conflicted.... i am thanking you for both returning and having some positive things to let us know about

    you have the start of some options.... and advice from a living breathing giving person you know who will listen... i know its hard and i am also glad you said you were still crying

    all your emotions are important but i feel that i can not explain that for i dont know the words off hand about the release of emotion

    please stay safe
    suzy
     
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