So....here I sit wanting to kill myself.... convinced I'm pregnant... In a sad way it's a blessing, not suppose to be able to have babies... But I can't afford to feed myslef, i can't have a child now...totally isolated, more alone than I have words... broke... in essence homeless... my only real friend, is even more f*cked up than I am, I'm worried she out hooking, she does lots of blow, lives on peoples couches... But she never judges me, the only one that doesn't, the only one that will still interact with me even though right now I'm broken....I have men... men willing to help... for a price... If I was willing, I'm not... i can't bring myself to ***** myself out like that... Not that these men wouldn't be willing to play the part of my boyfriend... I'm "hot" men care little beyond that... The "father" on my theoretic child... Loves me in his own way, or so he says... But when I say I'm pregnant.. all I get is a grunt... a change of topic... I say I'm lonely, I want to die... hes cold detached... I mention dating other men... he cries.. this he cares about.... I say I'm leaving he cares about that too... But not so much my dieing.... I don't understand... My mom won't even speak to me, shes the only family I have....i know if I where having a baby, she would want me then...Or at least want her grandchild.... Again I find it's not me thats cares for it's what my body can provide...Everyone I grew up with, thinks of me fondly... Calls me happy/sunny full of life/strong/positive... I say I'm hurting, they say... I'll recover after all Im "strong and sunny"... I'm not.... Not anymore... I'm unwanted when I'm weak... I cry on the street, I can't help t at times... Strangers hug me say they love me offer me support... Why does it take a stranger to love me??? How twisted is that??? I look for work, day after day... Have interviews, can't afford the bus to get to them... Seems so hopeless... The man who "loves me" can't help, he chases dreams, can't support the children he has... his friends support him.. he lied the whole time to me... lured me in with stories... none of it's true... I don't think anything he says is.... Each day I fight to make it to the next... I'm loosing track of why I'm trying... I'm loosing my will... I'm loosing the fight..