I'm losing it

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ~PinkElephants~, Dec 20, 2007.

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  1. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    i feel very empty and alone. i have always felt that way but as of late i've felt incredibly empty. i have felt so close to the edge lately. More so then usual. I have hidden so much of how i've felt from everybody that has contact with me. I lie through my teeth and I tell them that I am fine. Truth is I haven't been fine since that night. I don't know that I'll ever be okay. I mean he was supposed to be my friend. Friends are not supposed to treat friends that way.

    He told me that I was begging for it, that I loved every minute of it, but i don't remember it. I don't remember any of it at all. I remember waking up the next morning in pain. My chest hurt, my head hurt and i was so confused. I had bruises all over my chest but i don't remember any of what happened and all he said when i called him was that I wanted it. What did i do to deserve this from someone I called a friend? What did I do to deserve any of it?

    Do I make myself look different? I mean I wear jeans and tshirts, do I send off these whore vibes? Why do people hate me so much? Why do I deserve to be treated this way or at least feel like I do?

    I told myself I wouldn't post here anymore because I didn't feel safe or welcome. I feel like people hate me here too and I believe that with all my heart. What I truly need is a hug, a real human hug but I cringe when I'm touched. I cringe at contact from anyone outside my family. I do not feel loved or even deserving of love. I feel like it's do or die for me. I don't want to have to see the looks or feel the hate from people anymore. I hate knowing that people hate me. i hate knowing that people lie to my face to make m e feel better.

    I'm sitting here drinking, I've begun cutting again, and I'm contemplating the next step. I know I should just disappear. Just vanish so people don't have to feel bothered. I should just shut up so people don't have to feel obligated to answer. I'm sorry.
     
  2. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :sad: Kellz...You don't need to lie and say you're fine. I'm around if you need an ear or anything..Try and stay safe..:arms:
     
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Agrees with Jess :hug: and sorry for going off into one last night :hug:
     
  4. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni

    :hug: Kellz! You are welcome here. Please stay safe!
     
  5. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    Kelly :hug:

    I know, hun. :hug: It' sbad. :sad:

    But you don't "send off whore vibes." I'd like to take a * to this guy's * :mad:

    No disappearing. You're welcome here. And even if you feel you arent, you know where I am.
     
  6. baofu

    baofu Active Member

    I can't pretend I know what it feels like, I can't give you absolute conform, I can't even hug you, I can tell you there's no need to fear people hating you, you cant like everyone, you need to start disregarding their shit, start living for yourself.
     
  7. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Thanks for the answers. I appreciate it. Though I've been very low lately and I broke down to a friend last night I still feel iffy about things. I feel very isolated sometimes.

    Thank you again :hug:
     
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