i feel very empty and alone. i have always felt that way but as of late i've felt incredibly empty. i have felt so close to the edge lately. More so then usual. I have hidden so much of how i've felt from everybody that has contact with me. I lie through my teeth and I tell them that I am fine. Truth is I haven't been fine since that night. I don't know that I'll ever be okay. I mean he was supposed to be my friend. Friends are not supposed to treat friends that way. He told me that I was begging for it, that I loved every minute of it, but i don't remember it. I don't remember any of it at all. I remember waking up the next morning in pain. My chest hurt, my head hurt and i was so confused. I had bruises all over my chest but i don't remember any of what happened and all he said when i called him was that I wanted it. What did i do to deserve this from someone I called a friend? What did I do to deserve any of it? Do I make myself look different? I mean I wear jeans and tshirts, do I send off these whore vibes? Why do people hate me so much? Why do I deserve to be treated this way or at least feel like I do? I told myself I wouldn't post here anymore because I didn't feel safe or welcome. I feel like people hate me here too and I believe that with all my heart. What I truly need is a hug, a real human hug but I cringe when I'm touched. I cringe at contact from anyone outside my family. I do not feel loved or even deserving of love. I feel like it's do or die for me. I don't want to have to see the looks or feel the hate from people anymore. I hate knowing that people hate me. i hate knowing that people lie to my face to make m e feel better. I'm sitting here drinking, I've begun cutting again, and I'm contemplating the next step. I know I should just disappear. Just vanish so people don't have to feel bothered. I should just shut up so people don't have to feel obligated to answer. I'm sorry.