Slowly. Very slowly. I think this must be what 'pining away' feels like. Since Friday, all I do is cry. Or wander around like a zombie. I haven't been eating. Eating disorder or depression, I'm not sure. But either way, I haven't been wanting to eat. I've been forcing myself. Today 'forcing myself' to eat got me to... a whopping 810 calories. I find myself wanting to do nothing but sit in bed all day. Sleeping. But I can't stay asleep. I always wake up, and then can't get back to sleep. Even though that's all I want to do. I have been craving human interaction. But it seems depression is making me hard to be around. Because ironically, now that I need someone the most, no one is there. Not even A. Who swears she'll always be there. Even she has not been there. And I don't know what to do. Crisis? I think I might be. I found myself sitting on my bed, contemplating suicide. Several times already in the past four days. I've come close several times, but I can't work up the 'courage' (I realize it's actually brave NOT to do it, but the human mind is a fickle thing) to do it. But I can't do this anymore. It hurts to live. It hurts to lose everyone. It hurts to wake up to another day of doing nothing at all. Everything just hurts. Crisis? Yeah, probably. But what options do I have? I have phone anxiety, so a hotline is out of the question. I have social anxiety, making a chatline moot, too. I always disconnect before they can speak. And I already get weekly reminders of the butt load of money I owe the hospital because of my gallbladder. Everything hurts, and I just want to not have to feel so alone. Isn't it ironic that all the help out there requires socializing, when social anxiety is a common cause of depression? Often feels like a slap in the face to me.