Iv'e been really trying. I really have. But I'm losing, every day I get worse, every single day I cry at least once, when I cry my entire body trembles badly, the tears just stream out like it's a tap and I open my mouth to scream but no sound comes out. I'm too scared to sleep, because if I dream I dream of him, and being together and happy. I literally hate myself, and it IS my fault that he left me. I'm not recieving treatment for my BPD yet because I have to go through my GP first and I cant see him until the 23rd, which doesnt seem that long but jesus it is. I'm dangerous, really dangerous to myself. I'm not even being watched. I hate pain, but I want to start cutting myself. I have painkillers again but not enough to kill me, with my tolerence to painkillers I'd need a insanly massive amount. If I took them all, I'd just have a sore stomach and liver damage............ I'm fighting and fighting but...............theres nothing left anymore.. people say "live for yourself" then they get pissy because you tried to kill yourself because apparently you should live for them.. I think I'm starting to develop multiple personalities now. Jude: is a guy, hes my anger, all he wants to do is bleed and bruise. He trys to get me to hurt myself and sometimes I cant stop it. Sadie: is a little girl, shes 9, she likes drawing with crayons, and has a simple life full of love. She tends to come when I get really bad. But today, she hasn't.......I dont know why. I miss her. I tried to strangle myself last night.......I also scratched my body really hard and punched myself in the head. I also take painkillers when I feel "off" not in pain but I seem to be getting withdrawl from them.. I'm also starting to over eat when I'm angry.......Jude likes food. I'm isolated, no friends local, no one really wants to know me. People are ignoring me and a new friend I made from here seems to be avoiding me now. I'm too weak, this is horrible, I dont want to wake up anymore. Please just take me. I want to die so I can be with my mother.