I'm losing

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ivebeenherebefore, May 22, 2012.

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  1. ivebeenherebefore

    ivebeenherebefore New Member

    A couple months ago i had this moment of complete spontaneous happiness. It was real happiness, GENUINE happiness. It just came out of nowhere. I wasn't doing anything of importance it just happened. It felt like everything was going to be okay. But I can't see that anymore, that moment felt so real and now I have that moment to compare it to everything else. I can now realize how everything is just so fake.

    This is probably around the time I started slowly going down hill. Going slowly down hill, is quite the understatement now, more like tumbling or running down that hill. My cuts are getting deeper, I don't care if people see my cuts anymore, and I have never felt so lonely then I do now. I have people to talk to, but they, I don't know how to explain. I know how much they truly care and its not enough. I just care about everyone so much, I will always be there for people, but its funny when I need a shoulder to cry on everyone is too busy to even say the words "Its going to be alright". Nothing is okay anymore, I'm not okay. I don't accept this anymore. I'm just getting so tired of everything. Tired, of pretending, caring, wishing, feeling, of talking. I just want to go back to that moment, and know everything will be okay. Because this burning I feel in these fresh cuts tells me otherwise, they are the only word I have to go on anymore.

    I'm drowning in my own screams. All I want to do is give in because, I know the reality of people turning around and seeing me, the real me. How damaged and broken and dead I am now, is just a dream I cling on to. Everyone is just so ignorant nowadays, why should i bother. Suicide is screaming my name and now one else is, I can't help but hear it.
  2. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Depressive feeling like you are experiencing can be so over whelming at times.Are you seeing a therapist as this can help you over come your bad feelings.I understand the cutting as well i used to crave that burning feeling but you really need to find the help so you can stop doing this and find that happiness you had a glimse at.It does take time and alot of finding your own inner strength but with the guidence of professional help you will learn how to find all types of coping strategys and you can and will find that happiness.Also keep posting here as it does help to talk.
  3. pppqp

    pppqp Well-Known Member

    *hugging you*

    i'm sorry you are feeling this way.
    apart from that thing called chemical imbalances, are there anything else that are letting you down?
    are people around you the cause of your emotional breakdown?

    but you know, you said that that genuine happiness you experiences a couple of months ago just came out of the blue, right?
    your sadness, desperation, and struggles can disappear out of the blue too.

    you need treatments and maybe they'll help you change your perception of the world.
    take one thing at a time.
    and do not dwell in the past.

    take care, okay? and feel free to talk to me anytime.

    this is one of my favorite quotes. hope that it'll give you even just a little bit of strength to carry on.

    “Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.” ~ Groucho Marx.
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