I'm lost and don't know what to do

[Klaus_the_Olive]

So, I don't know how to go about this. This is my first time writing a forum entry, and my first time in a while that I've talked about my inner feelings.

I will say this off the bat: I don't plan on committing suicide. But every day I wonder what affect my death would have around me, and every day these thoughts become more and more persistent. I want to at least stop my thoughts before wondering becomes comptemplating.

It's a bit of a story, so I hope there is no text limit. I don't know where to begin.
Lately, things have been getting difficult with life. I'm a 20 year old guy and I live with my parents, who are working on divorcing. Almost done divorcing, actually. They barely bicker anymore, but my dad still does. He constantly insults my mom behind her back, calling her c*nt and a fat sack of crap and whatnot. And I have the lovely pleasure of being the one he tells this to every time. I've even made it very clear I want nothing to do with the divorce and nothing to do with him talking about her. But he turns around and says he has no one else to tell to about this, fucking making me feel guilty for not wanting to deal with his shit. But that should end whenever the divorce does.

Another "pleasant" thing I get to deal with is work. I have been working for the past 4 months 7 days a week. No breaks. No nothing. I want to save up money to move out and live on my own, but I have such a bad spending habit. I also know nothing about how to move into an apartment. Every time I ask my parents, they pay me on the back and give me shit advice.
"Mom, what should I look for in an apartment" "Have you set up a tour?" "No?" "Do that."
Thanks Mom. The only thing I know to look into is how well insulated the place is.
And it's also hard for me to afford a place to live because of bills. 1 phone bill and 2 college bills. I went to 2 colleges and failed both. The first one was because of my godfather's murder. When I got word of me being kicked out, I appealed. The appeal committee declined it, regardless of the fact the murder made the top news story in my area for 2 weeks. The second college bill was me trying again, but the teachers there couldn't teach to save their lives. So I failed.
For those who are interested, Auto Tech was my major.

To summarize everything so far: 20 years old guy, godfather murdered, dropped out of college twice, working nonstop to save money, spending habit, and parents divorcing.

I've been living most of my life alone. I do have family, but they aren't as reliable as If like for them to be. My high school friends don't talk to me, and my college friends don't talk to me unless I'm visiting on campus. There is one friend who has been helping me a lot. Let's call her Jan. She's been kind to me and made me feel appreciated. And I have developed feelings for her. But Jan will have a relationship for 4 months and be single for like 3 days. I have no window to ask her out. There was even one time about a year ago where she addressed my feelings for her. She then said that we should distance ourselves. To be fair, she was dating someone then too.

She does still talk with me today, and we are best friends. But all I ever hear her talk about is her sex, how great her boyfriend is, her cats, etc. It makes me feel jealous every time she talks about her life. I haven't had a girlfriend in 4 years. Having feelings for someone so close, but not sure how to act on them, when to act on them, and being afraid of what might happen after is a little much. I don't want to feel alone, and Jan feels like the best canidate for my life's companion. (Trust me, there is more than her talking about her life. That's just the part I don't like about her)

Another factor is.. well, it's.. My body odor. I've been trying for years to figure out why I smell badly. I put on deodorant, shower, do laundry, baking soda in my shoes, etc. I got bullied for it in high school, and I now stand at losing my job from it. And it isn't easy trying to find new people to talk to when you smell bad.

Also, weed. Weed is pretty much my only escape from these burdens.
Plus, I'm not exactly a thin guy and rude comments have been made regarding that.



I hate how my life has turned out. My family is breaking apart, I smell, got bullied, work nonstop, I can't get the attention of the girl I like, failed college twice, I'm fat, addicted to weed, can't find an apartment (and don't know how), and whatever money I try to save, I spend.

Like I said at the beginning, I don't plan on committing suicide. I do know my life holds value and I want to use it to change the world. But death is sounding more and more like an escape from these chains I burden. If someone could help me with any of this, please. Please help me.

 

[Jacknstuff]

So I'll be honest. I skimmed a bit. But as for moving out on your own, that sounds like the first thing you should do. Even if only for 6 months to a year if one of your parents can let you move back in to go to school or something.

Don't, at 20, likely not making a whole lot, get your own place. Try looking up roommates in your news paper, roommates.com, or just do a Google search on roommates and your city and state. Like "roommates Austin Texas". You'll meet your prospective roommates, kinda like an interview, and see if they are a good fit for you and you for them. It's far cheaper and you just might make some cool new friends.

As far as bad spending habits, avoidance is key. If its games, stop playing them or find much cheaper games. If its addiction, get help or get strong or both. Whatever you have to do. Do it. Put in your mind the freedom you might have not living at home. Keep that in your mind. That was a very motivating factor for me when I was starting out years ago.

Also, make a budget. Figure out how much money you need to handle your responsibilities. Then what's left over try to stash away 20-100 bucks a week, a month, however you can save. Don't even set a goal. Just make it a habit to stash away something into savings, even if its a jar (but seriously, get a savings with a bank, roommates and crummy parents can't steal it that way). That savings will save your butt severely when the time comes.

Hope that helps. Keep your chin up. If I knew at 20 what I know now, how much possibility was really ahead of me, I definitely would have had a much brighter and happier experience. If you play your cards right, learn to work well with others and develop your own charisma as best you can, and then just work hard, you won't even recognize the life your in now... Or who you are now. You've got a lot of time ahead. Most importantly, don't lose patience. In anything. Relationships, wanting a special significant other, working towards a better job, anything. As soon as you do lose you patience and there by your self-control, you'll regret it.

And if you do fall at some point, don't forget. The last time you built yourself up, you started with nothing. As long as you're alive, you can do it again. Learn from your mistakes. But let them go too. Don't let anything eat you up inside. It's just wasteful to your own life. And gets you absolutely nothing.

And lastly... Google everything. How do I start college? How do I get a promotion in construction? How do I get taller? (That last ones mine... Not all Google searches help, try anyway. :-p)


Good luck little man. It's only the beginning. And I do promise you. You absolutely can forge your own path now.