Im lost and im scared and im sorry this is extreamly long

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by iain1984, Oct 23, 2011.

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  1. iain1984

    iain1984 New Member

    I need help

    Today I went to the bridge in town that I jumped off 6 months ago almost to the date. I seen it, and the thought came back into my head that was telling me to jump and to be honest if my legs were in proper working order I may have went over. It was a well thought out plan that I had before, I had decided a date to go, that date came I got up showered left got to my location and went over, there was no hanging about, I didnt want anyone to see. Anyway, I slipped over the edge and god knows but I survived, in all honesty I dont know how, and I do feel lucky yet I dunno im deflated. It was around an 80ft drop onto the road below and by all accounts I stayed concious throughout the ordeal until the doctors put me under, tho I cannot recall anything. My thoughts become solid around 5 weeks after it happened which was the day before easter this year. It was a living hell from what I remember now. Id done a serious amount of damage to myself. Id snapped both thigh bones in half, broke both hips, 4 bones in my back and 3 in my neck. Countless ribs which inturn pierced both lungs making them collapse, internal bleeding leaving me with a huge scar, a bruised brain and I destroyed my left elbow. I spent 31 days on a ventalator and another 2 months in hospital. Physios said it would take around a year for me to be able to walk again proper, and im extreamly fortunate that I can stand and walk unaided now. Ive pretty much made a full recovery in 6 months and can do most things except run, im too scared to try that one out! Im even begining to put some of the 2 stone that I lost back.

    I was raped at the begining of the year, id been drugged and left for dead. I was found in a coma and again woke up in intensive care, haunted by what happened before, god even th8inking of this now, that was my hell, or is, I ended up in the mental ward of a different hospital until I came around, they kept me there 6 days I think and was back out into the real world with my thoughts and feelings and count hack it anymore. I dont know who it was, and the police cant do anything as I cant recall anything but ive a feeling that it was someone ive came into contact with before.

    Ive a bad relationship with my mother, I cut her out of my life a very long time ago, almost 10 years ago when I was still at school I had cancer and dealt with everything myself, hospital appointments my chemo and my radio. The doctors and nurses were actually astonished by my mother, theyd never seen anything like it and introduced me to a social worker t5o help me with things, who became a cose friend and she is still part of my life. After my treatment and my exams my mum just didnt let me back in the house again. I was totally fine with it, glad actually, I didnt have to face her anymore and left to a different city living in a homeless hostel blah blah blah So guess what the police did when I was in my coma, they tracked her down told her wehat happened and lkow and behold she came to visit me. My friend managed to put a stop to her visits knowing id be furious with this, but my cousin had flown over to be at my side and vist and they had a show down and in the heat of the argument my cousin told my mother that I have hiv blah blah blah I come round, get moved out of intensive care to a ward, my mum calls cutting it short, I let her come see me, we drew a line under the past. I let my mum know I found all her children (she abandodned them when they were babies) and give her their details after asking them of course. She turns weird on me a week or so after acussing me a lying and basically says she does not want to see me. When I got out of hospital I was moved to a new flat and I dont know why but I contacted her she visits, I vist her and my brother. I dont know what she did to my nana and granda but she was banned from my nanas funeral and my uncle had to put my granda into a home and she didnt know where he is. She said she wanted to find him cause he is her dad blah blah blah I said id help her, cause im good at tracking people down and it was just about calling up the homes, so we find where he is, and I wanted to visit as did she and we agreeded to go the following week. So there I was sat at home watching big brother when she texts me saying she didnt want to see my granda cause he abused her when she was a kid and tried to have sex with her in the shed 10 years ago. My eyes nearly popped out my head, and the best thing is she said she told me when I was in hospital on the normal ward. Now I mean she only took time out of her busy life watching daytime TV to visit me 2 times and its not a far journey for her to make. So my head was all over the plkace I didnt know what t think, none of it made any sense whatsoever to me, I mean saying has nothing on that. So I asked her what she meant and stuff then she says it has nothing to do with me, ive still got all the texts I couldnt delete them cause theyre just too good to delete. So a few days loater im sat watching TV again (my mobility wasnt great and she kn9ows all the problems ive had) I get a text saying for me to delet her number as shes doing that to me and wants nothing to do with me. Jeremy Kyle would have a flipping field day if he got hold of my bloody mother. I actually cant beleive it and im more angry at myself for allowing her to wakl into my life at this popint and for her to take everything in and still turn her back on me. It makes me so angry.

    That aside I only get angry when I think about it, but I just dont know where I am anymore, im lost im empty and im feeling like killing myself again, and I dont like it, im scared of what I may do as everything is spontanious with me, if I get something into my mind, and the thought has been planted again
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 23, 2011
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you went through that...unfortunately, I have no words of wisdom this morning other than to say, I truly know how it feels like one is at the point of no return...and yet, you have returned...I am so glad for that...please continue to post and know there are many ppl here who can understand...J
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