I'm lost and starting to have dark thoughts about ending it all...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lost-, May 3, 2012.

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  1. lost-

    lost- New Member

    Hi people,
    By watching my user status you could say I'm new here. The truth is I used to post here two years ago, but I decided to come back again. I would love to explain what happened the last time, but I think is better to leave the past aside. However, I do wanna say I miss two users that helped me a lot during those hard times Flowingriver and IV2010... unfortunately, I've learned that the first user hasn't posted in a long time, the second one is still active, so hopefully I'll be able to talk to that person soon.

    Anyways, I'm here because I feel lost and all of the sudden I feel like there's no success in my life, or at least what's ahead in the future. The story is the following: I live in a country where people speaks Spanish and I studied a major in which I could learn English. I was supposed to finish my major some day within this month, all I had to do was finishing my thesis (research paper or whatever you want to call it) to graduate and start working in order to start my life independently. Unfortunately, when the deadline to hand in my thesis was reached, the teachers said I had failed (after months of hard work). So, obviously, in that moment everything I has dreamed of, everything I was working for, everything I was hoping for in the future fell apart. I felt mad, frustrated, sad, etc. In any case, I was still given the chance to re-organize the whole thesis in order to pass the whole thing... but here comes the problem: In order to do that I need to pay the registration fee to appear in the course list and then half of the major's tariff (4,317.144 USD aprox), which money I don't have and that my parents are not willing to pay (even though they can). And it's even worse, because you could think I could work in order to save money and pay all that, but the truth is that it is really difficult to get a job when you haven't worked in your whole life (I'm 23 and my parents never allowed me to work while younger. Aditionally, I'm an only child, and for instance I was/ am overprotected, which sucks 'cause I haven't been allowed to do shit in my life).

    In summary, I'm studying in a different city far from home, I failed the thesis, I could re-organize it next semester, but my parents are not willing to pay, and for instance that means I'm gonna have to return home (by the end of May) and start working in order to have some money (which is not gonna be enough for anything). Apart from that I'm gonna have to be imprisoned at home (as I've been my whole fucking life) while enduring my parents' anger for failing the thesis. Hell, I've always been a good student (just for you to know, marks here go from 1 to 7, 7 would be like an A+) and they never accepted lower marks than 6 (which is actually very good). This is my first time EVER failing at some academic stuff and obviously, they are not happy about it. Besides, I got a gf, and she was successful at all this stuff, unfortunately she wants to go to another city and at the same time put an end to the relationship (she has been the best) due to distance.... and all this shit hurts, especially when you don't have your parents' support, and you are lonely... by the end of the month I'm supposed to go back home with them and wait til august to re-start the semester, but as I told you that means money, and I don't want to go back home, it will be a living hell, and it will only make me feel more desires to kill myself... man! I'm even starting to think to end it all by the end of this month, but to be honest, I don't want to... but what can I do? talking with my parent won't do it (they are oldfashioned and closed minded) and ofcourse I can't get a job.... If only I could start again in a different country.... but I also can't....
  2. Hello, welcome back to the forum. I have seen IV2010 in the forum and you can drop him a pm?

    :hug: are you able to apply for financial aid? Get some good friends or professors to help you?
  3. lost-

    lost- New Member

    I wish I could but not, I can't find help anywhere :(
  4. lost-

    lost- New Member

    It's been a few days and only got 1 reply u.u
    thanks for nothing people...
    this place is not what it used to be.
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm guessing not many know what to say..
    when we all live in different countries it's hard to know what to advise about money problems
    other than talking seriously to your parents, enlisting help from other family or friends, getting a loan from somewhere (bank, etc,), or finding a job, I can't offer much advice either.

    sorry to hear your GF isn't more supportive..is it possible to go with her and find some work there?
    perhaps it's time to find your own place if you feel like your parents are too overprotective..
    sometimes writing down all your options makes it easier to find the solution.
    I wish you well with your decision.

    I hear you don't want to die and I don't believe your problems should cost you your life..
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