I'm lost, I don't know if I can go on much longer

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Dark Music, Nov 27, 2007.

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  1. Dark Music

    Dark Music New Member

    I'm new to this forum, but I'm so glad that I have found it.
    I have sufered with depression on and off for around 8 years, mainly it is triggered off by my general state of bad health. I am in my mid-late 20's and have had a tumor removed from my back, 2 spinal operations, meningitis twice and neuro surgery several times. I feel so very ill every day. Yet everyone else sees me as this person that copes remarkably well with everything.
    Truth is I'm collapsing inside. My first long term relatonship was abusive. I eventually got out of it and sorted my life out. At the beginning of this year I found the love of my life, 2 and a half months ago we got engaged, then 2 weeks after he just got up one night and left me. I was left totally and utterly heart broken.
    I have suffered suicidal feelings before but never as strongly as what I am now. It doesn't help that I have been off work sick since June and have been having surgery throughout the summer and even in the last few days.
    I really want my life to end. When they put me to sleep for my operation the other day in the hospital I was hoping that I would never wake up again, that would have been the easiest way as my last two attempst at OD'ing have failed.
    I have started taking more and more pain killers every day to help numb the emotional pain. I've started cutting myself, something that I'd never dreamed of doing before. I know its only a matter of time before I do make a successful attemot at Over Dosing. I have lost the true love of my life, he wouldn't even visit me when I was in hospital, I am alone. My family don't understand and my so-called friends aren't around since I've been ill.
    I look at all the meds I have in my cupboard, how I woke up from the amount of morphine I took last time I'll never know. Nobody even noticed that I wasn't around for a couple of days. I passed out once I took them and didn't wake up for over 20 hours. No fucker even noticed. Am I that worthless? Does anyone care? Would they notice if I took an OD and lay here dead for a week. I doubt it very much.
    I'm not looking for sympathy with this post I just need to vent my feelings.
    DM
     
  2. Up&down

    Up&down Well-Known Member

    I hurt hard reading of you troubles and I'm very sorry you feel like this.
    Hun, you have been treated badly, very badly to some of us it is natural to feel the way you do. The hurt you feel over you relationship will not go away over night but I promise it WILL get better.
    You are all that matters in this show these people who have hurt you it was them that was holding you back and move forward.
    I'm lucky and out the other end honestly hun I was in pieces, heart smashed to bits in 2004 along with other problems, bit by bit I took my life back and it was worth it and it will be worth it for you I promise.
    Please get some help, Suicide is not the way out, show you abuser you are better than them and you are from you post it shows what a caring person you are.
    There are people on here who will be with you every staep of the way.
    Stay strong
    Stay safe
    Danny x.
     
  3. Up&down

    Up&down Well-Known Member

    The pain from the sugery you have had seems nothing compared to the Emotional pain you feel.
    Please keep posting, Suicade is NOT an option.
    Seek help
    If you want you can PM me and I will tell you how my heart got smashed, how low down I got and how I survived.
    Change your life it will be worth it.
    Stay safe.
    Danny x.
     
  4. Dark Music

    Dark Music New Member

    Thank you for replying Danny, it's nice to know someone cares.
    When I feel like this I'm left wondering what the hell I'v done to deserve feeling like it. Sometimes when I do feel really ill, it's as is thats the right way for me to feel, the way I deserve to feel. Why I don't know. All I ever did with my fiance that just left me was love him and care endlessly for him. I still do.
    I overcame the abusive treatment of my previous ex through medication and therapy. My mental health really picked up after the therapy. I found my independance which I had longed for, after years of being dictated to and 'groumed'.
    When I thought my life had finally got sorted out and I had found true love this year my world just came crashing down in an instant, and without reason. This has only increased the depression felt from my medical problems and lead it to feeling suicidal.
     
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