I'm lost in life (I'm new to this site)...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by May9, Feb 4, 2016.

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  1. May9

    May9 Member

    Hello, I am a 36y/o female from NY. Not sure exactly what brought me here, not really the type to "reach out". I guess I'm tired. A little about me...I don't particularly have a bad life. I have a professional job, I'm back in school. I also have good people in my life, good friends, great family. That is what is most puzzling to me, where does this perpetual sadness come from. Can I fix it? Or am I just consumed and controlled by the neurotransmitters that dictate how I feel. Either way I'm so tired of pretending. People often comment on my energy, sometimes even say they are jealous on how I manage to be so happy. Hilarious? I've been in some dark places in life, but the guilt of hurting my family kept me grounded. (I'm sorry if I am breaking the forums rules by stating this). Lately, I been fantasizing about leaving here. Its scaring me a bit because I always felt that leaving was not an option. I keep researching how to go without destroying my family. I have not found a successful way to achieve this. I have little expectation that venting these things will help change how I feel, but any feedback is greatly appreciated nonetheless. Thanks.
     
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi May9, welcome to SF. Your feelings could be from a chemical imbalance. Have you reached out to a doctor yet?

    Yes venting your feelings will help, keep talking.
     
  3. sahel

    sahel SF Supporter

    It's a very positive thing that, you think about your loved ones even when things are not good with yourself, this by itself shows how good you are. :)
     
  4. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member


    Hi May9, welcome to the forum, there is no one reason why someone becomes Depressed or out of balance, you don't have to have done anything wrong or had something bad happen to you, there are lots that have gone through life doing everything wrong or bad or making poor choices they never get depressed or feeling down or out of balance with life, Now we have someone that does not have any at least outstanding issues or problems, by the way you have not broken any rules that I know of yet, but yes here you are feeling tired and thinking about leaving your family and looking for ways to leave them without hurting them? In here we do not judge people and I am trying to answer your question so to me it sounds as if you have thought about something and judged yourself, I would be concerned as well if I were you, to me it sounds as if you are in depression but seeking to deny your thoughts, Please get a professional opinion, we have many people in here that will talk with you and give you support and offer help, you are obviously intelligent and pretty much well grounded and now you have come in here and looking for answers, others have responded as well and there may be more see a Dr. or a therapist before you feel yourself getting worse.We will try to help you if you continue to seek it here and we would be glad to help where we can.
    Take care of yourself, keep safe, any more questions or issues arise please ask for further help, we are here for you! I wish you the best!
     
  5. May9

    May9 Member


    Thank you guys for the kind words and the welcome. @True-Lee, yes I guess I have judged myself. I work in a field where I see people die everyday. Despite their pain and suffering, a good number of these people do everything in their power to live as long as possible.The human spirit is complex, i don't quite comprehend mine. So yeah, it makes me feel pretty ungrateful and undeserving. I have seen doctors in the past. Have I been consistent with therapy, and taking meds? I cant say that I have. I am currently not taking meds, although I'm not really opposed to it. I'm definitely guilty of inertia, I could do more to try and help myself. For example when I am vigilant about working out and eating better it definitely helps my outlook a bit. This situation did not happen overnight. Ive been living like this my whole life. Asking for help or dumping my feelings on others does not come naturally for me. I don't want to burden people with my "heavy" problems.. I take the "clown" approach. I know this is an inappropriate coping mechanism. The laughing helps until I am alone and in my head again. I am lucky to have people who care for me, and in turn I enjoy them as well. But this doesn't stop me from feeling utterly alone and out of place in this world. I think I agree in that I need to speak to someone professional. But for me, it'd have to be with someone I connect with and trust. I am in the medical field, and if a therapist were to spew advice or cliches straight from a mental health textbook, than that would be a huge turn off to me. Any advice on how to find a therapist that might fit me?.Trial and error? I had an excellent one as a kid (13 years ago). Unfortunately I was not ready to accept the help. I am stuck, if I was alone I would've checked outta here a long time ago, but that's not the case. Doesn't look like I'm going to find a way out without destroying the people I leave behind, so I gotta stay in limbo until I find a solution. Just really sucks to have to fake the funk when I don't want to. I have to at least try to dig myself out this seemingly endless black hole I call my life. Thanks
     
  6. May9

    May9 Member

    Thanks sahel, appreciate the feedback. Yeah, its a good quality to take others into consideration. But lately I find myself angry for feeling like I'm stuck here even though I don't want to be here. If I conclude that leaving isnt the ideal solution, than its time I at least try to get out of this dark hole. I don't want to feel like this the rest of my life. Faking it. really sucks. I hope there is a better way, and if there is, hope I have the strength to change.
     
  7. May9

    May9 Member

    Thank you kcho. No I haven't seen a doctor in a very long time. As I stated in a previous reply to another member, its important for me to find a therapist I click with.In the past I was never consistent with therapy or taking medications. Maybe I am being unfair to previous therapists by not sticking around long enough. Unfortunately my experience was very generic. Felt like I was in a "one size fits all" therapy session. Basically, right from a textbook. Again, If i stayed longer that might've changed. I had a therapist years ago who i adored. I just was not ready for the help. I was young and stubborn. But I remember thinking, wow this guy gets me and see right through my bs.I recently looked him up, and it looks like he moved his practice. Not that far, about a 40min drive, it might be worth it. Otherwise, Id definitely appreciate any insight you may have on how to pick the right therapist.
     
  8. May9

    May9 Member

    Thank you kcho. No I haven't seen a doctor in a very long time. As I stated in a previous reply to another member, its important for me to find a therapist I click with.In the past I was never consistent with therapy or taking medications. Maybe I am being unfair to previous therapists by not sticking around long enough. Unfortunately my experience was very generic. Felt like I was in a "one size fits all" therapy session. Basically, right from a textbook. Again, If i stayed longer that might've changed. I had a therapist years ago who i adored. I just was not ready for the help. I was young and stubborn. But I remember thinking, wow this guy gets me and see right through my bs.I recently looked him up, and it looks like he moved his practice. Not that far, about a 40min drive, it might be worth it. Otherwise, Id definitely appreciate any insight you may have on how to pick the right therapist.
     
  9. May9

    May9 Member

    Thank you kcho. No I haven't seen a doctor in a very long time. As I stated in a previous reply to another member, its important for me to find a therapist I click with.In the past I was never consistent with therapy or taking medications. Maybe I am being unfair to previous therapists by not sticking around long enough. Unfortunately my experience was very generic. Felt like I was in a "one size fits all" therapy session. Basically, right from a textbook. Again, If i stayed longer that might've changed. I had a therapist years ago who i adored. I just was not ready for the help. I was young and stubborn. But I remember thinking, wow this guy gets me and see right through my bs.I recently looked him up, and it looks like he moved his practice. Not that far, about a 40min drive, it might be worth it. Otherwise, Id definitely appreciate any insight you may have on how to pick the right therapist.
     
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi may and welcome to the forums. Glad to hear you are not opposed to the idea of taking medications because I think that is what you should try along with therapy. I've seen it help so many people, myself included. You don't have to pretend any more when you are with the therapist, you can be yourself, imagine the freedom in that. I am sorry for all you see while at work, I will just say I am sorry you have to witness such horrific things and hope you have a brighter future. Best of luck to you and keep talking to us here 'cos we care :)

    As for picking the right therapist, get a recommendation from a doctor and get on that specialises in what you are suffering from, that is what I have done in the past and it paid off. If you do not like the first therapist or feel you can't bond with or trust her you can always switch to another one, the main thing now is that you get help. Best of luck to you.
     
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