I'm lost

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Vulpes, Jul 16, 2016.

  1. Vulpes

    Vulpes Member

    Hello there i'm posting in this forum because i can't find any constructive solution anymore.
    Currently i'm a 24 years old male and i live in a western european country. I stopped studies in economics last year after the first semester. I suffer from depressions and strong suicidal thoughts since about 10 years (this is the main reason i dropped my bachelor studies i just couldn't take it anymore). I also have had strong ADHD since my early childhood and i probably suffer from a borderline personality disorder aswell. (it was diagnosed by a doctor when i was like 16 but i kind of doubt that diagnosis because a lot of the symptoms have been there since my childhood).
    I'm basically completely stuck now. I can't find a job, i have absolutely no goals in life, i sit around all day long (on my parents money in some shitty appartment), i lost my girlfriend i had for over 6 years like a year ago and all i can think about is i fucked my life over. I see no rational reason to live anymore. The frustrating thing is the odds in my life weren't that bad on paper... Wealthy parents, above average intelligence, trilingual, didn't look too bad. But all that ADHD shit and bad parenting fucked everything over. I never learned to fit in with society too because i never needed to. In school i didn't need to study i just had good grades this way. I'm an extremely angry person with violent tendencies aswell because i'm so extremely impulsive etc. On a philosophical level too i'm quite antisocial. I don't see why i should fit in with this world i despise (i know i'm not going to get too much sympathy for those statements, but i have to tell someone what the deal is). I also thought about contacting a therapist again (used to have one in my teenage years) but i'm just scared they are going to lock me up because of my suicidal thoughts etc. I just don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to live a shitty life, i rather die than doing some underpaid job i hate ( i know it doesn't sound rational but the thing is i'm not happy either way in life even if have success...)
  2. Vulpes

    Vulpes Member

    Sry for the bad english/sentence structure i wrote this in a hurry. Also this is only a very brief summary of my life.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there Vulpes, I can relate I am 27 and living at home and on disability. I hear you and I care about what you are going through, I also have borderline personality disorder it make me very impulsive and I never know what to do with myself. I confided in someone recently about not being able to ''fit in'' and the advice I got back was to not be a follower but a leader, I hope that helps you some and I am very sorry you are going through all of this. You don't deserve it.
  4. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you feel so bad, Vulpes. Maybe trying therapy again would help you a lot. They won't "lock you up" immediately. My therapist knows I have suicidal ideation but she doesn't rush to throw me in the hospital every session. If you show that you may attempt to take your own life or tell them you want to then they will but it won't happen just for seeking help. I am your age and I also despise the world but I am trying to find a way to live in it. You definitely aren't alone in how you feel and I hope you can take comfort in that.
  5. heydad75

    heydad75 Member

    I have 1 particular friend that has gone through the same thing. Professional help is sometimes needed. In this case he sought a good Christian counselor since he is Christian as I am. I would encourage you not to give up, there is hope. Depression is serious but many have overcome it with the right professional help and support. I will be praying for you during this time. If you need help finding a counselor PM me and I’ll see what I can do for you.
  6. Vulpes

    Vulpes Member

    Thanks for your replies... My mother managed to convince me to try therapy once more and this is what i'm going to do now. I really hope i manage to turn this around. I really need a job too....
  7. Vulpes

    Vulpes Member

    It is true though i agree! BUT the problem is much of that mentality got me into that situation in the first place. I always had that super strong antiauthoritarian mentality since childhood... But now i start to really doubt it. I failed in life at this point. I haven't achieved anything. I've been too arrogant for so much time and now everything fell apart. I know it has a lot to do with my mental illness and the way i reacted to certain events in my life. How can i become a leader when i'm basically excluded from society? I excluded myself from society... for the past 6 months since i stopped my studies i've basically been in that apartment on nearly total isolation. I stopped answering back friends etc because all i wanted to do is escape all this. I had plans on killing myself and i wanted to go as far away from other people as possible. I have a really hard time finding a job because of course everyones gonna ask the question what is this dude doing. Has almost never worked by the age of 24 and has almost never finished any studies. And this destroys my self esteem even more (i already had phases where i had serious social phobias, couldn't even go out for a walk) I really really hope therapy can at least help me a little bit to get out of that pattern otherwise i'm a lost case. For years now i said to myself i don't want to do a job in my branche because i actually hate it ( regular officejob) and unfortunately my parents somehow enabled me to be like this by paying certain basics. It sounds weird yes but i was ok with living on an absolute minimum for such a long time. Usually the money i get from my parents is just the bare minimum to buy food. But i never could get myself to go get social welfare i don't know why...To me life has been absolutely senseless for the past 10 years at least. I never developed any ambitions etc i just don't know why i really tried to push myself to do something with my life but somehow i am too fucking stupid for that. Well as i said i convinced myself to try therapy once more but if this fails i don't see any light anymore at the end of the tunnel
  8. Vulpes

    Vulpes Member

    I want to mention i am not against social welfare or similar stuff. It's just i personally can not deal with it. I can't overcome myself to apply for it (i don't know why i often have those kind of fears in me). I've been the incapable child for my whole life i don't want it anymore. I know i am not stupid and i could achieve something but way too much went wrong. I personally feel i'd rather die then accepting i failed at everything don't know why...But don't get me wrong that is a problem of mine i support social welfare on a political level etc.
  9. Vulpes

    Vulpes Member

    Basically i tried to convince myself for years now that at some point i will manage to turn this all around. I just never could accept that i'm failing so much. I always thought ok you can't work now because of your mental shape but things will eventually change just give it one more year etc. But it seems to only get worse and worse. I'm also have regrets i stopped my studies. I had no issues with it on an "intellectual" level but somehow it overcame me psychologically. I felt everything is completely senseless in life and i just threw my "last" opportunity away