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im lost

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bluequeen, Mar 8, 2008.

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  1. bluequeen

    bluequeen Well-Known Member

    im lost, broken, fragile, lifeless, and confused. i want to die but i dont have the courage to do it. so i am suffering, i am truly suffering and do not think that its possible to feel more pain than i do right now
  2. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    :hug: I'm here if you want to talk :hug:
  3. bluequeen

    bluequeen Well-Known Member

    i have nothing absolutely nothing to live for
  4. alexander

    alexander Active Member

    you won't feel like this forever, it's like when people break up with their partner and they think it's the end of the world, people say to them over time you'll feel better but they don't believe them, then a month or two down the road they are laughing about it all, right now you may believe you have nothing to live for but if you endure this feeling, eventually your come out the other-side, I know its hard but you can do it, allot of us feel like you do on here, your not alone in how you are feeling right now.
  5. bluequeen

    bluequeen Well-Known Member

    thanx for your reply...but i have felt this way for the the bulk of my last 5 years. it doesnt seem like its going to end. Ive gone through therapy, medication, im in school, it seems as if ive done everything that i can to make my life better but is seems to be cursed. I have nothing...nothing at all, im tire of having nothing to live for while at the same time too afraid to finally finally go ahead and end it all. I cant live or die right. i feel worthless
  6. alexander

    alexander Active Member

    If thats what you believe then of course it's never going to end, think about it, when an athlete trains to be that best athlete they can be they live and breath what they believe in until after years of hard work eventually it pays off and they archive their goals, at the moment you are training yourself to feel down, you believe you are a failure, think of it like this, it's almost as if you have a degree in depression because you've studied at it for so long, you need to start studying to feel better, it's a hard class to take but the more and more to believe in yourself the better your feel, it won't be easy but one day if you train and endure it, and as you once was a professional in depression your become a professional in happiness ;), it's up to you when you enrol, you can have all the help in the world but nothing will change unless you take active steps yourself on a fundamental level, it won't happen over night but you'll get there, your brain has had years of negative conditioning, it will take a while to change that but you CAN change, it will take endurance and patience, it's marathon not a race, remember that.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 8, 2008
  7. bluequeen

    bluequeen Well-Known Member

    thanx for caring
  8. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    The only thing I can say at the moment, is that i understand how you feel, i can relate to you...:(
  9. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    I was literally just thinking about how we're all lost, in a sense. And I'm talking about everyone. Life doesn't bring certainty. We may have an idea of what our day to day lives are going to bring, although not always, but we don't know how we're going to fit into the world, or what our lives mean. Never the less, we are not always lifeless, and confused. As bad as you are feeling right now, there's a whole other spectrum of light. Keep fighting to stay alive and in as good shape as you can and you will get out of the dark. I know I am being very broad, but I think this might help. I hope so, anyway. :)
  10. bluequeen

    bluequeen Well-Known Member

    im going to do it...i have to...i will finally do it...i am freaked out but i have to...im so freaked out that i came here...but i have to...i have the gun...im still scared...im petrified that i might be making a mistake...i cant live without my boyfriend...i cant stop crying...i cant do my work...i going to fail out of graduate school...i cant do this anymore...he hurt me, blamed me and then left me after three years...he was my everything...yesterday he made it final...he finalized my death i think...im already dead inside so i need to just do it. do it, i have to what am i witing for do it do it i have to what am i waiting for you cant stop crying you cant live so pull it...im sorry for posting this if it upset anyone...im really not a bad person, i just cant keep doing this, i have to nd it
  11. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    PM me if you want
  12. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    bluequeen, please do not act in haste. i know your heart is broken. i know you want it to stop hurting.

    please do not talk yourself into this... throw the bullets away. then get on the phone. call the suicide hotline; call 911 if you can't find the number for the hotline. tell them you want it to stop hurting. that's all you have to say. they can take it from there.

    please get rid of the gun. i know you are not a bad person and i know the pain is too much right now. but use that little bit of fear to pick up the phone.

    you don't have to end it. .. not now... not tonight. please call.

  13. bluequeen

    bluequeen Well-Known Member

    ive been to the hospital before becuz of suicidal ideation. i sat in a room with bright lights for hours and did not fell better at all...just afraid that they would keep me for a prolonged period of time. i have put the gun away, but i know where it is...by putting it away, i feel as if i am agreeing to a life of pain and disappointment...i have nothing and i really dont want to live nemore
  14. bluequeen

    bluequeen Well-Known Member

    Im african-american adn i cant really talk about any depressive or suicidal feelings with my family or not-so-close friends...they would judge me negatively and think i was "crazy". I know that im not crazy but that is how i would be seen. thanx everyone for trying to help but i think i may be immune from elp...i would seriously have to re-structure my entire way of thinking to get any better and i dont think that im ever going to be able to do that, ive been trying fore a while and here i am 23 and still suffereing
  15. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    bluequeen, i have PM'd you so i wont' repeat what you've already read, but just want to assure you that you are NOT immune from help, it just seems that way right now. you are a very strong woman to have endured so much, but remember what it was like when you were in the helping profession yourself. did you judge someone who was suffering and in pain when you arrived on the scene? no, you cared for them, capably and with compassion and intelligence. it's time to accept some of that care and compassion from someone else. you might not find that care at teh ER (although i always believe you have to do what you have to to survive the night, and if that's in the cards... so be it). ... anyhow, you keep looking until you find that care elsewhere.

    it may be your turn to grieve the end of yr relationship and all yr other losses, but it is not your turn to give up.

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