I'm meant to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ShoegazeDaydream, Sep 13, 2016.

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  1. ShoegazeDaydream

    ShoegazeDaydream ~Kid at Heart~

    I don't think I'm meant to be alive. These thoughts come and go throughout the day and I'm so tired of suffering and feeling the pain. Sometimes I just act like I'm happy, I'm truly suffering every single day. There's so much sadness and anger inside of me. My heart is shattered into a million of pieces. Anytime someone wants to be my friend I feel like all I do is bring them down because all I do is cry due to my depression. All I am is a burden to people and I've been finding myself sleeping a lot and not doing a lot during the day. Sometimes I listen to music to try to carry on. Feel like disappearing again. I hate how I have bipolar, I hate it so much. Lately I've been looking at all my art lately and some of it is happy and some of is happy. Maybe if I disappeared again and kept to myself than I wouldn't have to worry about bringing people down and being a burden on people because that's all I am. Not even my own family understands my disorder and I had a lot of friends not being understanding about it and stop talking to me too. Gosh stop this pain, I'm so tired of crying.
  2. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    Lost, are you on meds or seeing a counsellor about this? A counsellor would be a great person to talk to your family about and help them understand. Could you tell us more about your art? What medium do you use? What kind of art do you create? I so envy artists. I can't even draw a decent dot! Please take you of yourself.
  3. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    You got me girly =) I am not giving up on you that easy.
  4. electricalanomaly

    electricalanomaly too sad to say hi.

    From my experience, I believe a parent may not know how to handle a child's unusual behavior and may elect not to address it head on or seek professional or medical assistance. Perhaps in denial or in hopes it corrects itself. It however doesn't mean they don't love or care for you.

    I've found people to be very interesting and difficult to judge an individual's moral character and integrity in almost 50 years on this earth. If you've lost friends it's not because of something you did, it's them. They were not deserving of you in the first place.

    May I suggest feeling good by David burns md. The new mood theraphy.

    Small print, disclaimer I want to die as well.
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, I am here for YOU. I just read this list now. Like @moxman, I will not give up upon YOU either. I understand that you feel like disappearing but YOU ARE IMPORTANT. I know and understand it must be hard to deal with the disorder but I hope you feel that the forum can support YOU.
  6. GameADDict

    GameADDict INFP

    My mother has Bipolar Disorder. I hope you're not abusing drugs to "make it all feel better" like she is. If you arent, I'm proud of you. In my opinion, drugs only makes Bipolar worse. Because from my experience with my mother, it makes you not care about those you appreciate and love.

    From what I've read and even seen, a lot of Bipolar individuals are creative. My mother used to write poetry and paint. But now she doesn't. I bet you're good at what you do though.

    I also hate how I have ADHD, two anxiety disorders and depression. Life already sucks for most people. Why does disorders have to exist and make it worse for people?

    Anyways, I hope you stay strong.
  7. ShoegazeDaydream

    ShoegazeDaydream ~Kid at Heart~

    Yes I abused drugs in the past and I rather not say what drugs I abused. I don't anymore though. I've also lost my boyfriend to a Crystal Meth overdose and I found him. :( I suffer with PTSD and I'm angry and depressed because of it.

    I miss him and love him so much. I wish he was still alive and there's times where I blame myself for his death. My mood swings went all over the place and now I'm clean and anytime I feel like using again I talk to a sponsor. I also suffer with PTSD on top of it due to being abused by one of my ex boyfriend's. Sometimes I feel like I scare people away because of my mood swings and sadness. I just want people to talk too and I feel very lonely sometimes because not a lot of people understand bipolar. A lot of people think I'm crazy too. I tried dating again though I think it's safe to say I think it's best for me to stay single for awhile so I can heal from everything and concentrate on myself. To be honest I'm still not over the death of my old boyfriend's death. I miss him so much. He truly loved me and listened to me.

    I remember I read one of my poems to him and he smiled at me and told me how beautiful it was. One day I told him I wanted to travel the world and he said he wanted to go with me. I hope I can meet someone that loves me like he loved me. He never judged me or thought I was crazy and we both loved Pink Floyd.

    Now I'm scared of people judging me because of this....
  8. GameADDict

    GameADDict INFP

    Wow. I'm so sorry about what happened to your boyfriend. I hate drugs...

    My mother also PTSD. But it's from the abuse she suffered from her parents as a child.

    I agree that it's best you stay single until you're better. In order for a relationship to work both people need to make an effort to make the other one happy. You can't exactly do that if you're not happy yourself. In my opinion, that is.

    I somewhat understand what you say about people being scared away because of the mood swings you experience. As I said I have ADHD. Which makes me prone to bouts of anger and even mood swings. A lot of people think I'm weird. I have no idea why. Maybe it's because I don't conform to a lot of things.

    But you're not crazy. Just ill. Mental illness in general is misunderstood.
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