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I'm more resolved to suicide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cymbele, Oct 8, 2012.

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  1. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    My posts here are usually the same. Divorced, incredibly lonely, and soon to be jobless and in financial ruin. I'm more resolved to suicide now. I have a job lasting a very short time, possibly until the end of the year. At that point I will lose med insurance and no longer able to afford my meds that keep me mentally going.

    So I am more resolved to do it. I have the means to do it. I think I am at peace to do it. I can't get another job for med insurance no one will hire me. I have interviewed for many jobs and got none. I'm not going to apply any more. I'm not going to call the thearpist anymore - she can't help me by getting me a job. My job is my life. I have no hobbies that I am interested in. I sit at home at night and play on the computer in front of the tv.

    I'll be disappointed in myself if I don't do anything about killing myself. Maybe I don't want to which is why I'm writing this post. I'm tired of crying wolf and not killing myself. This time I'm very cool about it - not really emotional. That's why I feel at peace with suicide.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Perhaps your job will be saved and you wont have to leave hun or perhaps they can keep youon partime Are you able to get disability benefits . If you have not applied then do it now and get your doctor to fill out necessary forms so you can get coverage for your meds You have time still hun things change and i hope they change for the better for you hugs
  3. Sans

    Sans Member

    Hey cymbele. I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing such difficult circumstances with so little support right now.

    Is there anything, at this point, that I can say to help you feel even a little bit better, knowing that you're not alone?
    Lots of supportive thoughts coming from me. It's so hard to be in a place like this.
  4. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    Yes, I can see how circumstances like those would make you feel like you have nothing left of yourself to give to the World and that suicide is the way out of all the troubles you are facing, but you do have to remember that although you have been searching for a new job (and found none), have you given any thought to going back to a tertiary school and learning a new skill? It does not have to be anything glamorous, just something that you feel at ease with in a certain profession that you really feel that you could do well, such as a builder or electrical engineer, or even something like a short story writing class, which can help you to focus your mind and let you draw on your life's experiences to write a book about.

    But even if you do not wish any of that, there are still so many other things that you can devote your life to that, while might not bring in a lot of wealth or the lifestyle you long for... and I realise that you are unhappy with your current situation, but you might want to think about other people, who are in far worse situations than you, young children living on the streets, children forced in prostitution, starving people in every city of the World that could do with just one act of kindness...
    I sometimes still think they way that you do, and while I admit that my financial situation is not much better than yours (and very little health care to speak of) none of that bothers me. It is tough, to be sure, but the thing that keeps the hope in me alive is that thought that being able to just help one person with a bad situation they are going through, even something as small as tosssing them a sanger (sandwhich) each day when I see them huddled on street corners makes me feel like that I have done special... that I have provided them, albeit very small, with something that will let them get through one day.
    It is true that you can never change the World on your own, but just by helping just one person with a scrap of food or something they need to keep going for one extra hour can and does make all the difference in the World - even if it is just for that one person. And in the end, what I believe is that if you are able to help just one person in the World, then your life, through all the good and bad, has had meaning and purpose and although a lot of people do not thank you for your efforts (speaking of personal experience) the greatest reward that anyone can ever get, both physically and emotionally is that you have done something to help someone else, even though your own crisis.

    And yes, I am assuming here, sorry, that while I do not know exactly all the details of your circumstances, sometimes it is better to give what you have to people who have nothing and, while it might seem like much at the time, it helps to give you a reason for being, a new existence in your life that you can carry within you always.

    Truth to tell, I do not think my post has made much sense to you or that I am probably completely off the mark here, but I would hope that you would read through it and at least consider what I have said. You never truly know just how wonderful and beautiful the World is unless you look past your own limitations and at those you see walking past you on the street every day and realise that the kindness you can show to others goes both ways.
  5. ACPhilosopher

    ACPhilosopher Active Member

    Have you thought about making a geographic move, or is there some reason you have to stay where you are? Because if there's nothing keeping you in the town where you currently live, losing your job will give you the opportunity to move anywhere you want to go. There no big stigma attached to losing your job any more because the economy has been so bad, many good workers have been laid off through no fault of their own, and prospective employers know that.

    I understand your frustration with counselors. To me, they aren't really helping if they're just focusing on your emotions without giving any concrete assistance finding a job. The first thing you need is a way to pay your bills and survive, and then when you've got your basic survival needs met, you can worry about the rest.

    I've been where you are now many times in my life, but I could always think of one more thing I wanted to try before I departed this world. Have you got a bucket list? At the very least, you should stay alive long enough to complete all the items on it.
  6. Black Sun

    Black Sun Active Member

    Hi Sarah,

    I was in almost the same spot on 2008 when I lost my job just after getting a raise which finally got my head above water. I lost everything over the next 2 years but by dignity was the hardest thing to let go of. The first 3 months after losing my job I spent very depressed and in bed contemplating my fate. I couldn't believe I could go from having a dream job and home at the foot of Sierra Nevada Mountains in Ca, losing all that to corporate shuffling, then come to DC and go through about the same thing here.

    After 3 months I decided to go back to college at age 56, and live in an old RV to save money, and work as a night security guard so I could work and study. Now I am 60 and about 1 1/2 from completing my Masters degree. I stiil live in the 1986 RV, work the night shift for $13 per hr and have virtually no health insurance. Fortunately, I get some additional student loan money to help keep things afloat. I can't say I am glad, or ever will be, that I went through these horrifying and humiliating circumstances, but I am very glad to have the education I do. They can't take that and personally, I don't give rats ass about money and stuff much anymore.

    I know that false "peace" you speak of. It's a bit like the eye of a hurricane. Everything gets eerily calm and certain. I'm not trying to affect your decision making process at all. I just wanted to share my story. It took me 3 solid months of black depression, self-pity, and self-loathing to finally figure out how to make a come back. Of course, my family was no help and I have no friends in DC. The only thing that ever broke through my suicidal storm clouds was that I couldn't leave my Black Lab, named Buddy. My little sister would have given him a great home, but I just couldn't abandon after feeling so abandoned my wife in 2005 and two jobs. I learned one thing. People, including family, love to kick a man when he's down, and they don't even know what insensitive shitheels they are.

    There's always a way, and God will make a way for you if pour out your heart to Him. Just be perfectly frank and honest, forget all the flowery crap, He doesn't like phonies. Who does? I'm here if you want to talk. I am deeply sorry for you loss and pain. You can recover with help, both natural and supernatural.

    With love,

  7. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    Thanks for all the replies.

    I am a temp where I work now hence I am on COBRA right now. It ends in January. Granted anyone could get let go at any time but if I have a "real job," then I have some security and if I get laid off I can be on COBRA again. But I feel so rejected by all these companies I don't feel I have any options left. If I suicide, then my daughter will have some money to survive rather than me draining it away on meds and any other medical problems, even if I can afford them. I've done all the right things, even got an MBA, but I am continually getting laid off and unable to get a job. I have house -it's paid off so it's hard for me to leave it behind - it's all i got and what little support system i have is here.

    Leif, I have been critizied for helping too much not only in the community but helping people personally. i'm told I get taken advantaged of b/c I help too much. I've made a difference in this world already, but I'm tired of the effort and seeing others suceed with me trailing behind them.

    I don't have a bucket list. I have lost any interest in much of anything. I'm just treading life for no apparent reason. that's one of the reasons I can approach suicide so unemotionally. The holidays are coming up and I get terrified just thinking about them. Ill get through but alone still.

    I've poured out my heart to God. It hasn't helped. Sometimes I think God doesn't care. I know I shouldn't have such an attitude but I don't think continuing on will impress God. It would be better if i leave enough for my kid to survive than to count on God coming through in time. I'm terrified of being homeless.

    Thanks for all the replies. I just don't think I would miss life. This forum has been great and helped me but when the time comes in a few months, I will be ready.
  8. ACPhilosopher

    ACPhilosopher Active Member

    How old is your daughter? I'd be willing to bet she'd rather have you alive in the future than have the money. For better or worse, she is going to be deeply traumatized if you end it. Are you really sure that your relationship with her isn't important enough to stick around awhile longer? Don't know what stage of life your daughter is in, but if she's not already married, you've got to be at least a little curious about who she'll marry and whether or not she'll have kids, and what your grandchildren would be like. You'll miss an awful lot if you check out early.

    I will totally agree with you about the work world and all the politics just being intolerable, and feeling like you can't take another day of it. I feel the same way. It's even harder to take at age 53 than it was in my 20s and 30s. The reasons some people get ahead while others fail is inexplicable.

    It's not my place to tell you what to do, but I just feel incredibly sad for your daughter right now. She probably has no idea such a terrible tragedy lies ahead. Her life is probably going to be rough, too, and it's going to be a big loss if you're not around to offer moral support and comfort.

    I hope you will not get mad at me for playing that particular violin, but I just couldn't help it! It's too sad.
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