Firstly, hello all, I'm Joe, and I'm new here. I'm really sorry if this is a bit long! I'm near the end.. I don't think I can take much more of life, but I don't know what to do, I feel I have nowhere to turn. It all started wayy back as a kid, my father was an angry and abusive man.. I moved around alot, and went to alot of different schools. I always found it difficult to make friends, I went through my childhood with just 1 close friend, who I later lost contact with because I moved out of the area. When I was 9, my parents got divorced which didn't bother me too much really as I didn't like my dad anyway. Then my mum met my stepdad, and they eventually got together, and we moved out of the big city of London, into the countryside. My problems didn't stop there though, moving house ment moving school, and moving school ment making new friends. I struggled at that, I struggled big time. I remember I used to go home and cry because I was that loner who sat by themselves at lunch with nobody to talk to.. everyone had already made friendship circles and because I was new I found it very difficult to mix in. My life at secondary school (aged 12-16) was a living hell, and I think this was when the most damage was done. I was bullied nearly daily.. punched kicked, you name it.. just for being different. Everytime I told my mum about it, she'd tell me to go and tell a teacher, which later resulted in me getting an even worse kick in. It left me with no self confidence, no self esteem and still to this day I think nothing of myself. I left school at 16, choosing not to do any further education because I hated the education system so much. The fact that these bullies were able to do what they were, while the teachers didn't blink an eyelid made me hate school so much. So I was 16, lost, with no friends.. no real idea of a future career, so I just got a job doing any old thing - cooking it happened to be. I'd always enjoyed cooking from a young age especially with my mum, we'd cook cakes together and stuff like that. I thought it would be the ideal job for me, I was put into the kitchen at a trainee chef level in a nice restaurant, and my boss told me I had alot of potential to be an amazing chef. I quit my job, and enrolled on a full time 1 year course at college in Professional Catering.. I'd get the basic qualifications needed to progress in my career, and it ment that i'd only have to spend 1 more year in the education system. At this point, my life spiraled drastically out of control. My parents sold their house in the countryside, and moved down by the seaside so I could go to one of the best colleges England has to offer in Catering and Hospitality. This didn't seem to solve my problem of making a friend though, and while at college I had 1 and only 1 friend. A year went by, and things actually seemed normal.. the most normal they had been ever.. I had a friend, we were quite close, and I used to stay round his most nights (friends only nothing gay). Things were, normal that is, untill I got my first real job as a chef in a kitchen in a large hotel. I hated it. You might not realise, but chefs get a hell of a lot of stick, more so than I ever imagined. There I was, trying my hardest to learn and pick up as much as I could, but then the slighest mistake and I'd be called every swear word under the sun. So many times I've had chefs reduce me to tears because they've put me down so much I've just broken down. I hated it, what gives any human being a reason to talk to someone else like that? If I was in an office, I don't think my boss would say; "JOE, HOW LONG FOR THAT COFFEE YOU USELESS FUCKING ****.. IF YOU'VE NOT MADE IT IN THE NEXT 5 MINS YOU CAN DO ALL MY WORK THIS AFTERNOON!" but oh no, in a kitchen, it seems almost normal to speak to each other like that - with no jokes intended either. Then one night, I went to a work party someone threw.. I got involved with some drugs that were going round - weed namely. My friend moved away, so I lost contact with him.. I just ended up smoking myself into a haze spending £30-£40 a day on cannabis. I started hanging around with the stoners and pot-heads I knew from work, only to be drawn into a world I didn't want to be in. I'd just smoke with these people, they were no friend, no role model.. In the 2 years that followed my life was revolved around work and drugs.. I'd work full time, only to spend 95%+ of my monthly wages on drugs with the other few % going on cigarettes and bus ride money to work. I hated my job as a chef, i went in and out of jobs (14 in total over 2 years) losing some to drug offences, losing others because the cannabis slowed my mind down, and in turn slowed my body down completely. So much happened in those 2 years, but right now, i'm at my end. I have not a peice of property to my name.. my bedroom consists of a broken 5 year old laptop.. 3 dvds, a wardrobe with a few clothes in, a few cook books and my single bed. I sold everything I had to support my drug habbit. I currently have no job after quitting yet another chef job. I've been unemployed now for 2 months. I don't want to get another job as a chef because I know its not going to work, I hate being a chef. Being a chef has caused me to hate food which in turn has caused an eating disorder.. I bearly eat now because while working I was always told not to eat on shift because I was always too busy to have the time..I'd go all day in a hot kitchen without eating sometimes, lost 2 stone in 1 month, and now weigh a scary 6 stone (i'm 5ft 10). If you think thats it.. theres so much more. I have no friends right now, and am currently trying to kick the weed habbit, but with suicidal results. I feel I have nobody to talk to.. nobody to help me through this, my parents aren't approachable people and even though they know about all my problems, to me they make them worse not better. I have no hobbies or interests.. never ever have done, my one and only hobbie was cooking and even the sight of food now makes me feel sick to my stomach. I'm worried I have no direction in life, in fact "worried" isnt the word, I know I have no direction in life. I'm under qualified, in £3,500 debt ($5,596), I have no friends or trusted people in my life, I live in a small seaside town where nothing goes on. My "career" is now gone, and in turn I have to find another career path - nearly impossible when you have no likes or interests. I don't drive, don't go out anywhere... never see anyone.. never had a proper relationship with a female.. all in all, my life is so shit i'd rather die than go on. Before you ask, I've tried to get help. I joined many many different clubs in order to try out new hobbies and to meet new people - nothing ever held my interest, i'd get bored after 10 minutes and end up walking out for a joint. Throughout my childhood I never had any likes or interests which probably explains why I was such a loner. I was enrolled on counsilling with a physcologist (sp?) but didn't help, I left after 4 weeks because she just pissed me off. Am currently getting more help but its not helping one little bit. I thought quitting weed would help, but a week and 2 days into not smoking a thing, and my problems only seem to be getting 10x worse.. Is death easier?