I'm near the end, but don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by just_joe, Nov 21, 2010.

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  1. just_joe

    just_joe New Member

    Firstly, hello all, I'm Joe, and I'm new here. I'm really sorry if this is a bit long!

    I'm near the end.. I don't think I can take much more of life, but I don't know what to do, I feel I have nowhere to turn.

    It all started wayy back as a kid, my father was an angry and abusive man.. I moved around alot, and went to alot of different schools. I always found it difficult to make friends, I went through my childhood with just 1 close friend, who I later lost contact with because I moved out of the area. When I was 9, my parents got divorced which didn't bother me too much really as I didn't like my dad anyway.

    Then my mum met my stepdad, and they eventually got together, and we moved out of the big city of London, into the countryside. My problems didn't stop there though, moving house ment moving school, and moving school ment making new friends. I struggled at that, I struggled big time. I remember I used to go home and cry because I was that loner who sat by themselves at lunch with nobody to talk to.. everyone had already made friendship circles and because I was new I found it very difficult to mix in.

    My life at secondary school (aged 12-16) was a living hell, and I think this was when the most damage was done. I was bullied nearly daily.. punched kicked, you name it.. just for being different. Everytime I told my mum about it, she'd tell me to go and tell a teacher, which later resulted in me getting an even worse kick in. It left me with no self confidence, no self esteem and still to this day I think nothing of myself. I left school at 16, choosing not to do any further education because I hated the education system so much. The fact that these bullies were able to do what they were, while the teachers didn't blink an eyelid made me hate school so much.

    So I was 16, lost, with no friends.. no real idea of a future career, so I just got a job doing any old thing - cooking it happened to be. I'd always enjoyed cooking from a young age especially with my mum, we'd cook cakes together and stuff like that. I thought it would be the ideal job for me, I was put into the kitchen at a trainee chef level in a nice restaurant, and my boss told me I had alot of potential to be an amazing chef. I quit my job, and enrolled on a full time 1 year course at college in Professional Catering.. I'd get the basic qualifications needed to progress in my career, and it ment that i'd only have to spend 1 more year in the education system.

    At this point, my life spiraled drastically out of control. My parents sold their house in the countryside, and moved down by the seaside so I could go to one of the best colleges England has to offer in Catering and Hospitality. This didn't seem to solve my problem of making a friend though, and while at college I had 1 and only 1 friend. A year went by, and things actually seemed normal.. the most normal they had been ever.. I had a friend, we were quite close, and I used to stay round his most nights (friends only nothing gay).

    Things were, normal that is, untill I got my first real job as a chef in a kitchen in a large hotel. I hated it. You might not realise, but chefs get a hell of a lot of stick, more so than I ever imagined. There I was, trying my hardest to learn and pick up as much as I could, but then the slighest mistake and I'd be called every swear word under the sun. So many times I've had chefs reduce me to tears because they've put me down so much I've just broken down. I hated it, what gives any human being a reason to talk to someone else like that? If I was in an office, I don't think my boss would say; "JOE, HOW LONG FOR THAT COFFEE YOU USELESS FUCKING ****.. IF YOU'VE NOT MADE IT IN THE NEXT 5 MINS YOU CAN DO ALL MY WORK THIS AFTERNOON!" but oh no, in a kitchen, it seems almost normal to speak to each other like that - with no jokes intended either.

    Then one night, I went to a work party someone threw.. I got involved with some drugs that were going round - weed namely. My friend moved away, so I lost contact with him.. I just ended up smoking myself into a haze spending £30-£40 a day on cannabis. I started hanging around with the stoners and pot-heads I knew from work, only to be drawn into a world I didn't want to be in. I'd just smoke with these people, they were no friend, no role model..

    In the 2 years that followed my life was revolved around work and drugs.. I'd work full time, only to spend 95%+ of my monthly wages on drugs with the other few % going on cigarettes and bus ride money to work. I hated my job as a chef, i went in and out of jobs (14 in total over 2 years) losing some to drug offences, losing others because the cannabis slowed my mind down, and in turn slowed my body down completely.

    So much happened in those 2 years, but right now, i'm at my end. I have not a peice of property to my name.. my bedroom consists of a broken 5 year old laptop.. 3 dvds, a wardrobe with a few clothes in, a few cook books and my single bed. I sold everything I had to support my drug habbit. I currently have no job after quitting yet another chef job. I've been unemployed now for 2 months. I don't want to get another job as a chef because I know its not going to work, I hate being a chef. Being a chef has caused me to hate food which in turn has caused an eating disorder.. I bearly eat now because while working I was always told not to eat on shift because I was always too busy to have the time..I'd go all day in a hot kitchen without eating sometimes, lost 2 stone in 1 month, and now weigh a scary 6 stone (i'm 5ft 10). If you think thats it.. theres so much more. I have no friends right now, and am currently trying to kick the weed habbit, but with suicidal results. I feel I have nobody to talk to.. nobody to help me through this, my parents aren't approachable people and even though they know about all my problems, to me they make them worse not better. I have no hobbies or interests.. never ever have done, my one and only hobbie was cooking and even the sight of food now makes me feel sick to my stomach.

    I'm worried I have no direction in life, in fact "worried" isnt the word, I know I have no direction in life. I'm under qualified, in £3,500 debt ($5,596), I have no friends or trusted people in my life, I live in a small seaside town where nothing goes on. My "career" is now gone, and in turn I have to find another career path - nearly impossible when you have no likes or interests. I don't drive, don't go out anywhere... never see anyone.. never had a proper relationship with a female.. all in all, my life is so shit i'd rather die than go on.

    Before you ask, I've tried to get help. I joined many many different clubs in order to try out new hobbies and to meet new people - nothing ever held my interest, i'd get bored after 10 minutes and end up walking out for a joint. Throughout my childhood I never had any likes or interests which probably explains why I was such a loner. I was enrolled on counsilling with a physcologist (sp?) but didn't help, I left after 4 weeks because she just pissed me off. Am currently getting more help but its not helping one little bit.

    I thought quitting weed would help, but a week and 2 days into not smoking a thing, and my problems only seem to be getting 10x worse..

    Is death easier?
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Hey Joe,

    Sorry that this has happened to you. I know what it's like to be bullied. Sounds like you've had it especially bad though.

    I know what it's like to have a problem with weed too. For me, I think I just had to get to a point where the experience was so bad that I didn't want to smoke anymore.

    Thank you for posting this. I can see that life has been so unfair to you, and because your experience reminds me of my own, it reminds me of how unfair life has been to me. I guess thinking to myself "life has been unfair to me, damn it, and damn it, I deserve so much better" makes me feel better. It's almost like feeling like a deserve better makes it more likely that good things will happen in my life. Damn it, once the lottery jackpot gets big enough, I'm going to buy a ticket I think. Serve me right to be happy for change, I say!

    I think with psychotherapists you have to shop around, because many suck or just aren't a good match. A good one might help.

    Could you try getting back in touch with your friend? That might help.

    I suppose seeing an md wouldn't hurt. I don't know if there is anything they can give you for drug recovery, but maybe antidepressants might help you.

    When I stopped smoking weed, I was in pretty bad shape. Doing a meditation/yoga practice called "sun do" helped me a lot. Doing some kind of practice like that, yoga, tai-chi, some kind of meditation, might help you a lot. Also, if you joined a group that did that, maybe you would have some community there.

    Oh, I plug this a lot, but getting acupuncture and chinese medicine could help a lot too. there's a book i recommend in my sig.

    Do you like animals? Maybe getting a dog would help you feel better.

    If you found a kitchen where the people were actually nice, you might learn to enjoy cooking again. It seems like maybe that was part of what drew you to cooking in the first place, that you enjoyed doing something with your mum. It sounds like cooking with her was one of the best memories you had growing up.

    Could you talk to your old boss, the one who admired your potential? Maybe he could help.

  3. just_joe

    just_joe New Member

    Hey May, thank you for the speedy reply, much appriciated! (not that i can sleep anyway.. its 4:18am). If you don't mind, i'd just like to pick up on a few things you've mentioned..

    I did try and wait for that point to come for so long, I waited and waited for the day I got bored of smoking weed, or just didn't enjoy the experience.. but it never happened, the honest truth is, I love weed. It gives me an appitite to eat when I normally wouldn't, it helps me sleep, keeps me calm, helps me focus.. most of all entertains me! However, i'm choosing not to smoke it anymore because I want to try and live a normal life if that makes sense? I want a girlfriend I can take out places, a car i can drive.. personal belongings and just cash in my bank for a rainy day but none of this can be achieved when I'm smoking 95% of my monthly wages. Cold turkey for me was the only other option, however as stated its left me feeling suicidal.

    I did try and get back in contact with my friend.. I had no telephone number or address so I found him on facebook, added him, sent him messages.. no reply.. never got a reply back :|

    Whats an MD? Might sound like a stupid question but hey, don't know unless you ask right?

    I did try meditation actually. I thought it might be a good way of getting the thought of "I WANT WEED NOWWW!" off my mind. When I was reading up on meditation it said; "We sit with our eyes partially closed and turn our attention to our breathing. We breathe naturally, preferably through the nostrils, without attempting to control our breath, and we try to become aware of the sensation of the breath as it enters and leaves the nostrils. This sensation is our object of meditation. We should try to concentrate on it to the exclusion of everything else." Well, I assure you, I tried this.. however, every time I sat there and tried to clear my mind, it seemed to be constantly fogged up with "I WANT WEED WHAT AM I DOING SAT HERE LIKE AN IDIOT CONTROLLING MY BREATHING, I WANT A SMOKE NOW!" I lost interest after I got annoyed it wasn't working.

    I've never tried chinese medicine or acupuncture, so thanks for the suggestion, I'm going to look into that. You never know, and I want to try all routes to help.

    As for the job, i'm well and truely done being a chef, in 3 years and nearly 20 different jobs in hotels, restaurants, fine dining, pizza chef, sushi chef.. there has never once been a nice chef there. :-( Theres a huge difference between making cakes with your mum for fun and cooking for paying customers who demand nothing but the best quality of everything..!!!

    Um, I don't suppose there'd be anyway we could PM? Seeing as you've quit weed before i could do with all the advice i can get. Thanks again :)
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Hey Joe!

    Back in the day, I loved smoking weed. I think it drains you though. I think that you'll be better off not smoking.

    medical doctor. it's ok, don't worry.

    it takes a lot of work. you would think that thinking of nothing would be easy, but it's actually really hard.

    maybe yoga or tai chi instead?

    oh yeah, sure!

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