I'm new and needed to talk if that's okay

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Givingup, Oct 14, 2016.

  1. Givingup

    Givingup New Member

    Hi everyone,

    I'm new to the forum and feeling so very desperate.

    I'll condense this as much as possible but I have suffered from depression for most of my life. My mom got ill when I was young and died when I was 16, that's when I started to drink. The two years later, I had a child with a man who was a serial cheat and emotional abuser and I lost three of my grandparents all before I was 20 years old. I split from the father of my son and the drinking escalated again, to the point where I lost my job and because I was too ashamed to tell anyone I began stealing from my family and friends (credit cards, cash, you name it) and the house I lived in with shared custody of my son was in an awful condition. Following a surprise visit from my sister, she saw how I was living and the evidence of the alcohol abuse and promptly phoned my landlord and my sons father. I was evicted from my home and taken to court for custody of my son, I lost custody and had visists for a few hours each week. The drinking continued and I sofa surfed for about a year before finding a place to live.

    I was still drinking and at that point having counselling but my family had disowned me for stealing from them and lying to them. The kind lady who lent me her sofa for a while to live on didn't have much, just a grotty little house and I hated my son having to come there. I couldn't work, had no support and my son couldn't get away quick enough when he came for the day. I used to alwasy be sober for his visits and do my best but within 30 minutes of arriving he was asking when daddy was coming back to go to his house. His father had lots of money, family (my family became his after they disowned me) a lovely home and the stability my son needed that I couldn't give. I just couldn't get out of it, the more I saw him the worse it became and I was convinced I was a worthless piece of rubbish that he would be better off without. There were times when my family would have bought things for my son and his father would insist he brought them with him to visit me so he could tell me about my family going to daddy's house and it almost destroyed me.

    I decided he would be better off without me and gave up my visiting rights and it almost killed me. The drinking got worse and worse and worse and I tried to kill myself. I <mod edit - method> and just woke up a day later feeling terrible but still breathing. I went on like this for another year, drinking myself into a stupor, hiding from the world completely alone. Then one day they changed my doctor, he helped me a lot and I became to climb out of the hole a little bit. It took another two years to get me to a better state where I was able to hold down a job and get a new place to live. At that point I phoned my family to apologise and try and make it right. They told me they would never forgive me and all the sorry's or progress in the world would never be enough and to go away and live with what I had done. They said my son was doing well and to proud of him but to stay away and not ruin the life he had now. I tried writing again to them a year later but they just ignored me. So the guilt and shame intensified and I just tried to move on. I saw them a few times over the next few months and they hurled abuse at me from across the street, a family friend spat on me, or they just walked past and ignored me and glaring at me.

    I left the area after the last time I saw them as I just couldn't take it anymore. I kept my sobriety and haven't had a drink in just over 14 years.

    Fast forward 14 years, I have a nice home, wonderful husband, excellent job but am still having regular counselling and taking medication for depression because some days it takes me over. I avoid making friends with people because I am so ashamed of my past and am trapped in perpetual shame and guilt.

    It has gotten worse lately as three years ago, my son contacted me through Facebook. I was over joyed, really really over joyed. We had a long chat via message then spoke on the phone and exhchanged regular messages over facebook for a few weeks and I really had hope that we may be able to go forward. I was and still am an open book and have answered, truthfully everything he has asked me. I have told him that I will always be sorry for the things I did, which he already knows anyway as he is still in touch with my family.

    All of a sudden hope turned to a nightmare when he messaged and said he wanted no more contact and didn't want a relationship with me. I understand and don't expect forgiveness but it was brutal. He then started attacking me on social media, saying he hated me, I was an embarrassment, laughing as he waved me from his life, took things that I had said in messages then plastered then all over facebook while laughing at me.

    This has gone on for almost three years now. He has begun messaging me again via email as I deleted my facebook account and is sweetness and light via email and I am very pleased to have him contact me again, but out of curiosity I looked at his facebook and while he was messaging asking if I was ok, he was calling me an embarrassing mess and an idiot on his facebook in public again. Saying I'm a waste of space and air and that he would never come back to me again. The last email a month ago, I took a day to respond because after the latest attack which was particularly nasty, I couldn't think what to say. So he was attacking me saying I was something else and an embarrassing idiot who couldn't even message back her own son. I have never mentioned what he has been saying about me too him as I didn't want to lose him and felt I deserved it but it's destroying me.

    And now, I am so tired that I feel like just giving up. I know I have led a most irresponsible life for a time but for the past 14 years, I have worked so hard to get to anywhere like normal and I have done that completely alone. That's really all you can do isn't it?

    I am now withdrawn, no confidence again, feeling like I have nothing left to try for and that my son and family hate me and will hate me whatever I do. I don't know what to do, I'm not strong enough to carry on like this. My work is suffering, I'm barely sleeping and my husband is desperately worried. I struggle to open up to people face to face so wondered if an online vent / approach may help me.

    I'm so sorry this is so long and I'd be so grateful if someone out there could help me, or even just read what I have written and send me a few prayers.

    Thank you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 14, 2016
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, welcome to the forum and the SF family. Wow, may I start by saying you having nothing to worry about. You are hurting from the hurt of your son. I am in no way, judging you but from what I can see your son is lashing out at you for the hurt he feels from you not being around. You tried you best to make situation working when he contacted you.
    Your son has no right to embarrass you through social media and you are naturally worried about the back lash from what others think of your past in your new life.

    The past amazing fourteen years can continue but to be honest as you have a wonderful husband who very supportive of you. Yes, you have hit rock bottom now but it does not mean you have to give up. You done in the past and you CAN DO IT AGAIN. You have isolated yourself and the self-paranoia has kicked in big time. Please resist any temptation in taking up drink but get yourself an elastic band as a coping mechanism. Pull on it and let the sting help you to overcome the anxiety you feel.

    You need some counselling to deal with the anxiety your are feeling and please feel free to use the chat rooms to speak to others on this forum. Just think someone in the world is reading and feeling your pain. We care about you and you are really hurting.

    I strongly suggest that you keep away from you son at the moment, as the feeling and emotions are running high. I know this his hurting your feeling a lot as you are his natural mother. You need to protect yourself and I strongly suggest that you use the social media posts in order to protect yourself by getting some legal advice. He has no right in assainating your character. You feel like your whole world has turned upside down but I strongly suggest you maintain your day to day lifestyle in a limited capacity. Yes, each day is hard but if you think about it loads of people get slated on social media but that's the modern day living.

    You have done nothing wrong but kept away from your son in order to give him the best way of life at the sacrifice of your life. You rebuild your life and this can continue but with our support and the love of your husband. People will be judgemental of you and if they want to be then let them be as people have nothing better to do than gossip.

    You have hit rock bottom but we have faith in YOU. Please keep posting as we care about YOU. Do not isolate yourself now but be surrounded by people. Go for a coffee, walk or shopping in order to keep yourself busy. If someone says anything about the social media posts, simply say you are entitled to your opinion and walk away.

  3. troubledmind

    troubledmind Active Member

    Hi Givingup,
    Your son has had years of negativeity pumped into his head.. I am sure he's got a spot in his heart for you.. He's in alot of pain with abandonment issues..Give him time and don't reply to his baiting you.. Take care of your present family and find joy in them.. Take Care!!
  4. Lilith3372

    Lilith3372 Member

    Everyone has the past .Everyone regrets . You are a beautiful woman right now, who is loved and has pretty much everything. Alcoholism is a disease, though many people dont realize it. You can suffer from depression, bipolar disorder, anorexia. you can suffer from alcohol abuse. I dont want to blame anybody, but your family didnt support you when you were sick. If a grandson hates his alzheimer grandpa,because he s forgotten who he is, its ridiculous. I understand that those people , your parents, you son are your family. Forgive them, keep them in your heart, dont be intrusive, and be always ready to help. Prove it to yourself..not to them..that you are better than they are.Love your husband, love with all your heart.Live for him. He is your family right now. And be happy.You are not alone. There is no reason to be depressed any more. You were reborn for a new life. And see you therapist. He is your friend who helps you.
  5. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hello Givingup, you suffer from addiction a disease that is still unfortunately stigmatized. You've beaten it for many years and are doing well, it's not an easy road. I'm sure your sons mind has been poisoned by his family and it's left a negative perception of you, maybe some day he will realize what you dealt with. I don't think it's productive to allow him to publicly humiliate you on social media. You could tell him you know and then stop comunications until he agrees to stop. You have a loving husband that supports you, focus your love on him and yourself. You're a good person and one of the lucky ones who got through addiction. Take care my friend
    Unknown_111 likes this.
  6. electricalanomaly

    electricalanomaly too sad to say hi.

    One day I see a reconciliation with your son and ex-husband happening, but now isn't the right time. This doesn't mean they don't love you. Not at all. During the lowest moments of your life, what they saw, was a mother, a wife heavily dependent on alcohol and no longer in control of herself. They viewed you as a non-caring person, suicidal, a thief, a liar, homeless person, a mother who endangers her son and understandably these labels are very difficult to overcome for them. It must have seen like a betrayal for them. They have vilified you. It was very difficult time for all. Please give them a little more time and stay out of their lives for now.

    You need to take care of your husband by taking care of yourself starting right now! You have to give yourself credit for overcoming alcoholism and staying clean and sober. Stand proud you were able to overcome adversity by pulling your life together by now having an excellent job. You have to believe your son loves you very much, and stay strong. It's just not the right time for reconciliation. You have a loving husband who supports you. Please focus on your health, your husband and family. Stop thinking about your son for now.

    I highly suggest you please seek counseling. Let a professional help you work this out and not jeopardize the good work you have done to help yourself. What you have accomplished is unbelievable in my opinion. Seeking help isn't a weakness, but a step closer to possibly reconciling with your son in the near future.

    Please be strong and patient.
  7. Givingup

    Givingup New Member

    Thank you so much to all of you for taking the time to reply. I'm really overwhelmed by the support on this forum and am very glad I have found you.

    I think what is causing the most confusion and upset within me is that I had fully accepted that my actions had consequences and had never tried to contact my son, but wanted to be a positive role model if he did find me. I have worked really hard to do that and some labels I know are hard to shake but you never will do if people won't let you I guess. I was beyond pleased when my son contacted me and I have never pushed it, I am just dumbfounded that he contacts me then cuts contact and attacks me more or less constantly.

    You words have all touched me deeply. I don't feel any pride in anything I have done to overcome alocholism, just a numbness and am so tired of living in the past and being punished. I had never been in trouble with police, stolen anything, had a good job and it all just went horribly wrong and through bereavement the alcohol helped me function. I know that with alcoholism maybe to a point responsibilty is slightly dimished but accountablity is not. I have always acknowledged that. It took three months in total to be found out to be an alcoholic by my family, to losing custody and being disowned and I went further in alcoholism.

    I guess 14 years being sober, clean and living a responsible life just isn't enough to negate the past and I'll keep hitting a brick wall until I am proved worthy.
    It's hard though because I am so desperate to have contact with my son that I thought I could take whatever he had to throw and I never wanted to tell him to stop contacting me as I would lose him all over again but this we're getting nowhere like this.

    Maybe sometimes some things are better left alone.

    Thank you again to all of you, you have given me much to think about and I really am grateful to find this place and all of you. I wish you all much love & peace.
    Brian777 likes this.
  8. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Thank for your compliments but the SF family are here to help everyone in their time of need. We are glad that YOU found us and that we helped YOU. Remember, if you struggling again, please feel free to post here and we try our best to help YOU.

    I hope YOU and your supportive husband have a properous life. The words are stated in the style of a famous Vulcan. :)
  9. Lilith3372

    Lilith3372 Member

    Btw what kinds of therapies did you try?? do you also have talk therapies??CBT??