Hi everyone, I'm new to the forum and feeling so very desperate. I'll condense this as much as possible but I have suffered from depression for most of my life. My mom got ill when I was young and died when I was 16, that's when I started to drink. The two years later, I had a child with a man who was a serial cheat and emotional abuser and I lost three of my grandparents all before I was 20 years old. I split from the father of my son and the drinking escalated again, to the point where I lost my job and because I was too ashamed to tell anyone I began stealing from my family and friends (credit cards, cash, you name it) and the house I lived in with shared custody of my son was in an awful condition. Following a surprise visit from my sister, she saw how I was living and the evidence of the alcohol abuse and promptly phoned my landlord and my sons father. I was evicted from my home and taken to court for custody of my son, I lost custody and had visists for a few hours each week. The drinking continued and I sofa surfed for about a year before finding a place to live. I was still drinking and at that point having counselling but my family had disowned me for stealing from them and lying to them. The kind lady who lent me her sofa for a while to live on didn't have much, just a grotty little house and I hated my son having to come there. I couldn't work, had no support and my son couldn't get away quick enough when he came for the day. I used to alwasy be sober for his visits and do my best but within 30 minutes of arriving he was asking when daddy was coming back to go to his house. His father had lots of money, family (my family became his after they disowned me) a lovely home and the stability my son needed that I couldn't give. I just couldn't get out of it, the more I saw him the worse it became and I was convinced I was a worthless piece of rubbish that he would be better off without. There were times when my family would have bought things for my son and his father would insist he brought them with him to visit me so he could tell me about my family going to daddy's house and it almost destroyed me. I decided he would be better off without me and gave up my visiting rights and it almost killed me. The drinking got worse and worse and worse and I tried to kill myself. I <mod edit - method> and just woke up a day later feeling terrible but still breathing. I went on like this for another year, drinking myself into a stupor, hiding from the world completely alone. Then one day they changed my doctor, he helped me a lot and I became to climb out of the hole a little bit. It took another two years to get me to a better state where I was able to hold down a job and get a new place to live. At that point I phoned my family to apologise and try and make it right. They told me they would never forgive me and all the sorry's or progress in the world would never be enough and to go away and live with what I had done. They said my son was doing well and to proud of him but to stay away and not ruin the life he had now. I tried writing again to them a year later but they just ignored me. So the guilt and shame intensified and I just tried to move on. I saw them a few times over the next few months and they hurled abuse at me from across the street, a family friend spat on me, or they just walked past and ignored me and glaring at me. I left the area after the last time I saw them as I just couldn't take it anymore. I kept my sobriety and haven't had a drink in just over 14 years. Fast forward 14 years, I have a nice home, wonderful husband, excellent job but am still having regular counselling and taking medication for depression because some days it takes me over. I avoid making friends with people because I am so ashamed of my past and am trapped in perpetual shame and guilt. It has gotten worse lately as three years ago, my son contacted me through Facebook. I was over joyed, really really over joyed. We had a long chat via message then spoke on the phone and exhchanged regular messages over facebook for a few weeks and I really had hope that we may be able to go forward. I was and still am an open book and have answered, truthfully everything he has asked me. I have told him that I will always be sorry for the things I did, which he already knows anyway as he is still in touch with my family. All of a sudden hope turned to a nightmare when he messaged and said he wanted no more contact and didn't want a relationship with me. I understand and don't expect forgiveness but it was brutal. He then started attacking me on social media, saying he hated me, I was an embarrassment, laughing as he waved me from his life, took things that I had said in messages then plastered then all over facebook while laughing at me. This has gone on for almost three years now. He has begun messaging me again via email as I deleted my facebook account and is sweetness and light via email and I am very pleased to have him contact me again, but out of curiosity I looked at his facebook and while he was messaging asking if I was ok, he was calling me an embarrassing mess and an idiot on his facebook in public again. Saying I'm a waste of space and air and that he would never come back to me again. The last email a month ago, I took a day to respond because after the latest attack which was particularly nasty, I couldn't think what to say. So he was attacking me saying I was something else and an embarrassing idiot who couldn't even message back her own son. I have never mentioned what he has been saying about me too him as I didn't want to lose him and felt I deserved it but it's destroying me. And now, I am so tired that I feel like just giving up. I know I have led a most irresponsible life for a time but for the past 14 years, I have worked so hard to get to anywhere like normal and I have done that completely alone. That's really all you can do isn't it? I am now withdrawn, no confidence again, feeling like I have nothing left to try for and that my son and family hate me and will hate me whatever I do. I don't know what to do, I'm not strong enough to carry on like this. My work is suffering, I'm barely sleeping and my husband is desperately worried. I struggle to open up to people face to face so wondered if an online vent / approach may help me. I'm so sorry this is so long and I'd be so grateful if someone out there could help me, or even just read what I have written and send me a few prayers. Thank you.