I'm new... found my dead son May 21, 2007

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by RRRED, Jul 19, 2007.

  1. RRRED

    RRRED Guest

    Sigh.... I just got the bravery to reach out just today. I found this site and I only read a couple posts and the tears just stream and stream cuz I understand. I feel like no one understands in the entire world. I think this resource is going to be an extremely helpful tool for me.

    I don't have enough energy to explain what happened and I am forced to start working again just this week so I'll be online alot from this point forward.

    I often doubt I'll ever pull through this, hold down food, laugh, smile, or dance again. Just being in the world and being alive is like watching a movie to me. A horror movie.

    Anyway, I wanted to say hello and start from there. I've already had a website put up in Taylors name so my community and others can learn from. I made a promise to him before I walked away from his casket. I will spend the rest of my life helping others as he did. I promised he will never hurt again and no one will leave his name in vain. I promised to reach out to anyone and everyone that I possibly can and hope to save and improve lives.

    I intend on keeping those promises. I love you Taylor

    Dammit... :sad:
  2. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I really hope this site gives you the support you are looking for. I know right now it feels like you will never even smile again, but hopefully you can get some help and compassion here. :hug: I'm so sorry :(
  3. RRRED

    RRRED Guest

    Thank you peanut.

    Now check THIS out... I posted this and walked outside to have a ciggie. This HUGE butterfly flies down and lingers around my head as I'm talking out loud about this forum and my intentions for the future to Taylor. I called my boyfriend outside to tell him about it and I knew he wouldn't really believe me. While we were talking the butterfly comes back and lingers around both of us and flies off. I swear I could totally feel a significance to it. No one can convince me otherwise. I felt it and it was great.

    I know he's here... I know
  4. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Hey there, welcome to the site. I am so sorry about what's happened, I have also had a quick look around the site in your signature and I want to give you a hug. :hug:

    I can't imagine the pain you're going through, as Taylor died only in May it is bound to be still raw in your mind, although, I doubt the pain of losing a son will ever go away.

    You must allow to let yourself grieve and I'm glad you are letting them tears flow, it's nothing to be ashamed of at all. I don't know what to say, but I'm glad you came across this site, and we're here to support and to listen to you at anytime. Take care of yourself. :hug:
  5. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    That is AMAZING! No doubt in my mind there is a huge spiritual significance to that moment, your son trying to re-assure you and letting you know you are on the right path and that he approves of what you are doing.
  6. Jolanta

    Jolanta Member & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    RRRED, welcome to this site. I hope you find it as supportive and loving as I have. I am certain that Taylor sees you and approves of what you are doing. He loves you, Mom.

    :hug: With love from Jolanta
  7. Isa

    Isa Well-Known Member

    *hugs gently* welcome.
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. I am truly sorry to hear about your son. Losing a child is one of the devastating things that can happen to a parent. The day will come when you will again be able to eat and do things you used to be able to do. The time has been short since you lost him. It takes time to grieve. Allow yourself the time you need. I know it is hard to get back to doing everyday things such as work, but the sooner you do the more distracted you become and then it is not on your mind constantly. It stills hits you at odd times. Things will remind you of him that you never thought would. You have set yourself a good goal in honor of him. Start some traditions for yourself and family that you do in memory of him. Things such as his favorite meal on his birthday, visiting his favorite place, playing his favorite song. Whatever you would like to choose. Take that time to share good memories, times you shared together. He remains alive in your heart for eternity. :hug:
  9. life

    life Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that about ur son! I dont know if i dare to ask but what was ur sons problem?was he depressed or somethıng else:sad:....? And also on hıs suıcıde note he talked about zoloft and stuff...:unsure:
  10. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome RRED! I hope you come to terms with your sons choice and find peace in your life. SF is a great place. Do stay and talk to people.
  11. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    welcome to this forum..

    i am so sorry for your loss. if there is anything i can do please let me know.. you can pm me anytime..
  12. roro

    roro Well-Known Member

    i am soooo sorry :sad:

    my son is 17, and he is my life, so I cannot imagine your pain. my brother died at 23, and my mom is a very strong person, it nearly destroyed her, but she came through. i still miss him and think of him almost every day.
  13. livingdeath

    livingdeath Active Member


    Wow, that is like the description I use to describe my own life -- except I don't feel so much like I'm watching a horror movie as that I'm in a horror movie.

    I am very sorry about what has happened to you. The pain must be indescribable. I hope you will find some comfort.
  14. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    Im so sorry to hear about your son Taylor you have already made a start to fulfilling your promise as we are all aware of him now.
    SF is a site where you can share your thoughts and feelings with people that can truely understand. pm anytime my thoughts are with you:hug:
  15. Azul

    Azul Well-Known Member

    He looks like a great guy. I'm very sorry for you.
  16. blade

    blade Well-Known Member

    aww hunni. sory what has happened.... ive never lost sumbudy...but i cant say i know how u feel but if i did loose somebudy i love deerly... i would never get over it....
    im here anytime u wnt to talk..

    and b4 i forget..
    welcome to the froum...
    hope im any help to u...
  17. katie-kat

    katie-kat Member

    That's amazing. Since my brother's passed on, my family and I always think of him when we see a butterfly, and think of him around us.
  18. ButterKnife

    ButterKnife New Member

    I know people see things that associate those little things that remind them about their loved ones who've passed on. I had a friend who's name was also Kat :( ...I'm so sad even thinking of her now. I ended up taking care of her pussy cats. I see her in each of her 3 cats!! Its freaky sometimes but its not like scary though. They seem to read my mind as if she was there.

    Their names are Lushie Stripes, cfm & Misfit.
  19. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Dear RRRed, i"m very sorry for your loss. No words can explain it and words don't go far enough to comfort but I offer my sorrow nonetheless. I'm glad you found the forum. I came here two years ago at the end of my rope - but the loving members here tied a knot in that rope and convinced me to hang on. We are a loving and supportive community of people with similar problems. We will always be there to support you when you need it and we offer our friendship to help you along the rough spots in your life travels. Together we can make it!

    love to you,

    least xo
  20. RRRED

    RRRED Guest

    Well I just got back from a business trip. I thought I did well but I was told this morning that I am being put on an unpaid leave. I insisted I could handle it since most of my work is online. But my demeanor and unpredictable ways... I dunno I guess I didn't conduct myself well enough.

    My job is alot of networking and dealing with people and everyone knows about this and people just don't understand and I'm being totally rejected and I suppose I deserve it. They're right. I have pushed myself beyond my limits now I have no money and nothing to be motivated about. I really thought I was getting to a better place mentally. This blow has taken me way backwards.

    I'll just read more about suicide and grieving and try to relax.. If there was a way that I could pay my rent and learn to help others who are going through what my family is going through, I'd do anything. I don't even want to go back to my job. I've lost all care in anything that doesn't include healing.... healing myself and helping others heal.

    Unfortunately, that doesn't pay the bills. I'll try to figure out something but if anyone has a story to share or hope that I could possibly move this direction, please share.

    I'm losing my mind... I'm going to lose my house.... Just everything is consumed by the anguish of this stage. I'm 10 weeks in now and it's not getting better. It's getting way worse.