I'm new here... A little help please?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jade3791, Jul 25, 2015.

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  1. Jade3791

    Jade3791 New Member

    Suicidal ideation is something I have dealt with since my teens and I do have a few failed suicide attempts in my history, one no less than 4 months ago. I planned that one, to a tee. Or so I thought. I'm extremely lucky to still be here apparently. So why doesn't that register? Why am I still hell bent on getting out of this life? Over the past few days, the thoughts have become so intrusive that it's all I'm thinking about. As soon as I open my eyes the thoughts are there. Forget everyone else, my family and friends don't have to feel this pain on a day to day basis. Yes suicide is a permanent solution and yes, it could be considered selfish, but it's selfish for everyone else to want me to be here for their sakes. I'm hollow. It's not even that I want to die, it's just that I don't want to live. Dying doesn't scare me. Losing my reason to live does. It's exhausting trying not to have these thoughts. It's exhausting fighting them. I'm just exhausted. I know I need to break this negative loop of defaulting to suicidal thoughts every time I'm having a bad day. I wish I could stop thinking like this, but I really don't know how. It's funny cause from the outside, to many people my life seems almost perfect. Incredible family and friends. Good job, first class honours degree, about to start my masters degree. And most importantly my physical health in tact. So I can imagine the majority of people think like "oh what's she got to be down about?" Saying that I can't be down cause I have all of this, is like saying oh they can't have a brain tumour cause they always wear a hat. It's ridiculous. Why is it okay for one person, one evil, evil man to ruin my life? He has destroyed me. I'm struggling so much right now, nightmares, flashbacks, they're plaguing me. How else can I escape them other than not being here. In my head suicide is not irrational, in fact, it makes perfect sense
     
  2. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    :hug:
     
  3. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you're feeling so down. I struggle with suicidal thoughts constantly. I wish that I could control my thinking, but I can't. I have no external problems. I have a nice home, a decent car and a good income. My problems are all internal. I wish that I could stop feeling so badly all of the time, but I can't. It does get very exhausting. I want my suffering to end so want to die really badly, but I'm just not able to do it. It's like this major conflict that I deal with all of the time. I always want to die, but I can't kill myself.
     
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