i was told by a friend who goes on suicidalsupport forums to try it out. and. its wierd. i am normally a very happy person. up until three months ago, i lived a very comfortable and loving life. and its typical that it revolves around a girl, my parents, college and other people. thats the way it goes. but its getting tough to shove it all on one side without thinking of killing myself. i thought i was strong and could cope with it, but its starting to wear me out and bring me to my knees. im scared. i haven't felt the grip of depression or suicidal feelings in two years (leading to a bathtub drowning attempt. which failed pretty quick, that breathing reflex is very hard to kick) since then, i got myself a girlfriend, i picked myself up, started college. everything was great. my dads a bit highly strung (he wouldnt admit it) but its not his fault. im just the only one around to take the stress (two hour long screaming rants about my life) and i cry. i feel bad. but i dont want to kill myself. now my girlfriend has fallen for another guy, and left me a broken mess. and im terrified. ive self harmed. ive rolled a noose on a tree and backed out at the last second, ive smoked and drunk and crashed . i just seem to be testing what i can make kill me. playing chicken with the grim reaper. and im trying to cling for dear life onto what little reasons im finding to live. university is the best one to say the least now. and even that is slipping through my fingers, because my student finances havent cleared two days before they are meant to. im having days when i hold heated scissors, ready to do it, ready to cut and burn and cauterize and hurt myself badly. and then i scream, and i throw them away, and its so confusing and painful to keep having to fight myself like this. attention isnt what im looking for :c i just need to know people have gone through this and not ended their life after all. (my conviction to kill myself waxes and wanes. i only have a few ways to do it. i just dont want to have to watch myself breakdown one day and actually have the guts to end it).