Im new here. and broken.

[Sylume]

i was told by a friend who goes on suicidalsupport forums to try it out.
and. its wierd.

i am normally a very happy person. up until three months ago, i lived a very comfortable and loving life.
and its typical that it revolves around a girl, my parents, college and other people.
thats the way it goes.
but its getting tough to shove it all on one side without thinking of killing myself. i thought i was strong and could cope with it, but its starting to wear me out and bring me to my knees.

im scared. i haven't felt the grip of depression or suicidal feelings in two years (leading to a bathtub drowning attempt. which failed pretty quick, that breathing reflex is very hard to kick)

since then, i got myself a girlfriend, i picked myself up, started college. everything was great.
my dads a bit highly strung (he wouldnt admit it) but its not his fault. im just the only one around to take the stress (two hour long screaming rants about my life) and i cry. i feel bad. but i dont want to kill myself.
now my girlfriend has fallen for another guy, and left me a broken mess. and im terrified. ive self harmed. ive rolled a noose on a tree and backed out at the last second, ive smoked and drunk and crashed . i just seem to be testing what i can make kill me. playing chicken with the grim reaper.

and im trying to cling for dear life onto what little reasons im finding to live. university is the best one to say the least now. and even that is slipping through my fingers, because my student finances havent cleared two days before they are meant to.

im having days when i hold heated scissors, ready to do it, ready to cut and burn and cauterize and hurt myself badly. and then i scream, and i throw them away, and its so confusing and painful to keep having to fight myself like this.
attention isnt what im looking for :c i just need to know people have gone through this and not ended their life after all.

(my conviction to kill myself waxes and wanes. i only have a few ways to do it. i just dont want to have to watch myself breakdown one day and actually have the guts to end it).

 

[FBD]

well, first welcome and i know it's weird when you first start, but this forum is a good place to vent And talk to people who can at least relate to how you feel.

I'm glad you haven't gone through with your attempts but I'm sorry for how you've felt.

I'm not sure I have a ton of advice to offer right now, but I wanted you to know I've read your post. as for the financial stuff with uni, ugh I know that crap. at least where I attended ( I graduated in dec so it wasn't a looooong time ago) if your loans and paperwork don't go through right away they give you a bit to work everything out so i hope yours has the same consideration and everything works out

keep talking on here and you'll find support and advice and ideas on how to cope and deal with everything

 

[Monoka]

welcome to the SF, i think most people feel like that to start with, but it soon becomes part of life

im glad that you havnt managed yet, as you say it waxs and wanes. so there are things stopping you. think about how you would feel about it on a good day..

do you regularly self harm?

stay safe
:hug:

 

[Sylume]

Thank you FBD
thank you for reading , it means alot. sometimes just knowing someones read it makes me feel better. if anything, i feel better now , just getting to talk to people. thanks for the advice about student finances , its driving me to ground >-< ill try to keep coming back here if i have a chance.


Monoka thanks for the welcome. and no. except recently (in which its a once a day sort of thing). before that, i maybe self harmed once a year.