before i get started on whats going on, im new to these forums and would like to say hi to everyone here. and i must warn you , tihs is going to be a rant... im not sure how to describe what im going through in an organized manner since there really is nothing organized about how my head has been working as of late, so this may seem like an awkward read. Im 15 year old boy and since elementary school ive seemed to completely overthink things and put myself down, its only gotten worse. i find myself constantly going through this cycle of depression where i no matter how positive i try to think i find myself falling into a state of extreme depression and anxiety each day. ever day i seem to fall into a deep depression complete with self hatred and suicidal thoughts, which drains me emotionally to the point where i dont feel anything anymore. while t is quite relieving to feel nothing compared to the pain of self hatred, i cant reflect on the experience or really address how im feeling because i am no longer in that state of mind (or really any state of mind for that matter, sinc emost of the time i am mentally exhausted) when im not feeling depressed, i sometimes find myself putting myself down, im not sure if its because im trying to get back to that depressed state of mind so that i can analyze how im feeling or if its something else. regardless of the reasons behind why this is happening, my grades and social life have taken a massive hit, and i cant get myself to put in the effort anymore to cheer myself up, because i know im just going to crash later on from it, leaving me with less energy than i originally had. I often find myself thinking about how other people would be affected if i killed myself, almost getting joy over how it would affect them, because it would change them and just maybe leave an impact on the world, an impact that would be greater than if i kept living. i know this sounds horribly narcissistic and selfish, which is one of the reasons why i cant stand myself and at times dont think i deserve help for this. im not trying to rationalize any of these feelings, and i dont even know if im feeling like this for attention or not, which is another reson why i feel that i dont deserve to get help. while my life has seemed terrible recently, i know that i have no reason to complan:i havent suffered an traumatic experiences, i havent been sexually abused or beaten, and i havent been targeted by bullies. im probably just somene thats self centered and feels bad for themselves too much. ive been feeling this rollercoaster of suicidal thoughts, self hatred, and the thoughts that i really could just be full of myself and feel bad for myself too much for a few years now and have kept myself going for no reason other than the thought that there might be some reason to live out there that i have not considered. i joined the forums today because im sick of living like this, im sick of hating myself each second of my life, and im sick of using up all my energy to just put myself down. i grabbed a knife today, i ran it across my fingers just to feel how sharp it was. i have never tried cutting, but i truly considered going farther than cutting and simply ending it right there. thats why i joined this forum, because i know i have gone too far this time. thank you for taking the time to read this, i just dont know what to do anymore. ever single day i tell myself im going to end it that night nly to hang on for one more day. i just dont know how much longer i can keep going .