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im new here... ...not really sure if i deserve to get help for this

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by smashmouth42, Mar 14, 2012.

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  1. smashmouth42

    smashmouth42 New Member

    before i get started on whats going on, im new to these forums and would like to say hi to everyone here. and i must warn you , tihs is going to be a rant...
    im not sure how to describe what im going through in an organized manner since there really is nothing organized about how my head has been working as of late, so this may seem like an awkward read. Im 15 year old boy and since elementary school ive seemed to completely overthink things and put myself down, its only gotten worse.
    i find myself constantly going through this cycle of depression where i no matter how positive i try to think i find myself falling into a state of extreme depression and anxiety each day. ever day i seem to fall into a deep depression complete with self hatred and suicidal thoughts, which drains me emotionally to the point where i dont feel anything anymore. while t is quite relieving to feel nothing compared to the pain of self hatred, i cant reflect on the experience or really address how im feeling because i am no longer in that state of mind (or really any state of mind for that matter, sinc emost of the time i am mentally exhausted) when im not feeling depressed, i sometimes find myself putting myself down, im not sure if its because im trying to get back to that depressed state of mind so that i can analyze how im feeling or if its something else. regardless of the reasons behind why this is happening, my grades and social life have taken a massive hit, and i cant get myself to put in the effort anymore to cheer myself up, because i know im just going to crash later on from it, leaving me with less energy than i originally had. I often find myself thinking about how other people would be affected if i killed myself, almost getting joy over how it would affect them, because it would change them and just maybe leave an impact on the world, an impact that would be greater than if i kept living. i know this sounds horribly narcissistic and selfish, which is one of the reasons why i cant stand myself and at times dont think i deserve help for this. im not trying to rationalize any of these feelings, and i dont even know if im feeling like this for attention or not, which is another reson why i feel that i dont deserve to get help. while my life has seemed terrible recently, i know that i have no reason to complan:i havent suffered an traumatic experiences, i havent been sexually abused or beaten, and i havent been targeted by bullies. im probably just somene thats self centered and feels bad for themselves too much. ive been feeling this rollercoaster of suicidal thoughts, self hatred, and the thoughts that i really could just be full of myself and feel bad for myself too much for a few years now and have kept myself going for no reason other than the thought that there might be some reason to live out there that i have not considered. i joined the forums today because im sick of living like this, im sick of hating myself each second of my life, and im sick of using up all my energy to just put myself down. i grabbed a knife today, i ran it across my fingers just to feel how sharp it was. i have never tried cutting, but i truly considered going farther than cutting and simply ending it right there. thats why i joined this forum, because i know i have gone too far this time. thank you for taking the time to read this, i just dont know what to do anymore. ever single day i tell myself im going to end it that night nly to hang on for one more day. i just dont know how much longer i can keep going .
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun welcome to SF You deserve support hun just as much as anyone else does here. You are 15 hun have you tried talking to your parents about how you are feeling better yet talk to a councilor at your school. It is a very hard age being a teenager these days I hope you reach out in real world and just talk to someone okay a teacher anyone that can get you the support you need Sometime just being able to talk to vent to someone helps to decrease the depression some
  3. smashmouth42

    smashmouth42 New Member

    ive tried talking to my parents and i have a psychiatrist. im very grateful for having a somewhat understanding mother, but i dont think she fully understands the severity of whats going on with me. im considering dropping the psychiatric appointments, im too ashamed to truly talk with them about how im feeling, and its leading to nothing. ive thought about death a lot, and if there is no heaven and hell, then death seems extremely peaceful. the sensation of not being, the release of all feeling and pain. it seems like the only way to cut off the cycle. maybe this should be in a different thread. sorry.
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Smash, hun - so glad you have joined up (2 days after I did, in fact, lol!) So no one here knows me yet, except I so feel led to be here and to say that, although you may not be able to believe it at the moment, there is very much a "reason to live out there" - no worries that you can't see it, or any light in the tunnel - that does not mean it isn't there, and there is no need to feel bad with yourself for thinking the way you're thinking - I would say it's perfectly normal for any teenager - I remember my first breakdown just before taking 'O' levels in UK (a long time ago now, but I can still remember the pain)........ and remembering the pain is not a negative thing to do - because with a lot more years having passed since then, experience tells me that episodes like you've described and I've experienced too - are totally within NORMAL - it's just that generally ppl don't seem to have much of a clue, apart from giving pills to medicate (and there's nothing wrong with that either).
    Looking back at my 15-yr old time - my goodness, if there had been something like this forum back then, it would have been so wonderful to know I could log on and find someone who would at least attempt to understand me, and say for sure that there is light at the end of the tunnel..... I hope and pray that there are folks here to do this, without it just sounding like pie-in-the-sky.......\
    Must go now, time's run out. Nice to have met you. Blessings and strength :02.47-tranquillity:
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome to our forum. I am so sorry to hear you are struggling in this way. First let me say that just because you have not suffered a major traumatic event does not mean that your state of mind must mean you are self centered. Depression does not discriminate. It doesn't care about your age, social status, history, etc. It is caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain. It is not so much different than any other disease. It is an illness. Have you sought professional help for your depression? Research your options. Help is out there. You have taken that first difficult step by joining here and sharing with us. I hope you continue to do so. Talking though things can be helpful. :hug:
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