Im new here... so, Hello?

Hello, Im Roze. Im about to be 17 in May. Im a junior in highschool.
Should I tell you a little bit about myself? Yes? Okay.
I live with my mother and her boyfriend. Ive been pushed around all my life. Until I was 11, I lived with an abusive father. He passed away of cancer in 2006. 3 months later my mom got remarried. This guy was just as bad. He totally killed any freedom I had. I hated him so much. He wasnt nice. I remember him hitting my little brother and all I could do was sit and watch. I was no match for him. Things kept getting worse. My biological fathers parents filed for custody. There was a hug battle which lost us tons of money(including all money I had saved up for college). They now have set visitation. almost 2 years ago I got pregnant(yes at 15). It scared me so much. my mind was on other things. A month after I got pregnant, my little brother died. He was 13. He had so much stress on him that he couldnt do it anymore. His heart gave out. He passed away while I was away. My body in return was under stress. I lost my baby a month later. I was 10 weeks pregnant. I named my baby Kaselyn/Karlee(i wasnt far along enough to know gender). I was still forced to see my grandparents. They made things worse. Calling me mean things, saying Im not normal and that I need to be in the mental hospital. They said Im not worth it. They say Im going to hell because I have friends who are gay. If only they knew that I am... Nothing good comes out of their mouth. I hate having to see them. I moved away. Now Im at a new school. I cant see my best friend anymore. She isnt the same as she used to be, and neither am I. When I lost her, I attempted suicide. I didnt think I could do it without her. She doesnt know that I attempted, but we are close again. We are seeing each other next week for the first time in months. Im nervous about it.
Last month, a friend attempted suicide. I was up all night crying because I couldnt get ahold of her. I relapsed back into cutting. Its just getting worse. I now cut 2-3 times a day. My arms and legs look horrid. I cant seem to find the want to stop either. My life is just getting worse. 2 weeks ago I was contemplating it again. I wrote my note and sat, ready to do it. My friend stopped me though. Its all Ive been thinking about for the last few weeks, so Im hoping someone can help me. Can give me advice on what to do.

Sorry this is so long, but just some backround info so that you can know about me and what Ive been through.

 

Hi Roze, welcome to SF...I'm sorry to hear that you've had to deal with so much. That's good that you still have your best friend, it's good to have a good support system. I'm glad that you will be able to see her again soon. Don't listen to anyone who tries to put you down. I don't think that's true what your grandparents said...I think you are worth it. I care about how you are feeling and I hope you don't hurt yourself. I can't think of everything that I want to say, but you can message me anytime you want to talk. There are a lot of friendly people here and we are always willing to help and listen.

 

:welcome: to the forum Roze. Sounds like you have been through quite a bit for someone your age. I do hope this visit with your grandparents goes better than you expect it to. They must love you in their own way if they took the time to fight for custody and be granted visitation rights. If things don't work out, remember that when you turn 18 the court documents are no longer in effect. You have custody of yourself, so to speak. It then becomes your choice whom you wish to see. You have the power to direct how you want your life to be in the future. There will always be stumbling blocks and you may find your direction changes over time, but I know you have what it takes to get through. I look forward to seeing more of you around the forum. Take care :hug:

 

Thank you both! And yes its quite a lot to go through in so short of time. It gets overwhelming.
Gentlelady, they want custody of me not because they love me, but because they hate my mom woth a burning passion. Before she and my dad got married, his parents offered him so much money just to not marry her. She is satan in their eyes. They dont think Its good that I live with her. In return, they hated him too. It got into his mind. Thats why he cracked and became abusive. He couldnt stand the pressure of them. When I was 6 he held a gun to my moms head and said he should have taken the money and not have married her. Its their pressure that has tormented us all.

 

hi roze and welcome.. one does not get to choose their parents and grandparents.. damn bloody shame in a lot of cases.. does your school have any kind of counseling service that you might be able to get some help thru??? saying this in case the urges to take your own life start dominating the scene.. want you to cntinue living and have some chances to make your own life..take care out there,, please, Jim

 

My mother is making me see a therapist. I actually saw her today. She doesnt help very much, but this was only the third time I saw her, so Im giving it a few more tries before I find a new therapist.

 

Just want to say Hi welcome to SF

 

:wave:

Hello Roze. Welcome to SF.

It seems to me you've been through a hell of a lot for one so young, but you do have a future. As mentioned above - once 18 court documents for custody become null and void because you are an adult. If you can get through to then, you can focus on yourself and your own path.

You'll see me floating about the chatroom most of the time - you can always use the PM function of the forums - I do read and I do respond when time allows.

 

Great points made by G and gentlelady.

Stick it out for one more year. Can you get a job? Save up as much money as possible? Maybe get someone to talk to to help you over the next 12 plus months to keep you going? When you are 18 you are free, if you can generate the money then you are even freer. You will be in charge of your own life soon, you can escape this and escape the people that are hurting you. You do not have to end it hun, you have many years ahead and things are eally going to change for you as you become an adult. Like G says, focus on your own path. Without all this crap. Keep envisioning it. Until then stick with us on here, try to get someone to talk to and think about where you want to be 1-2 years time. It is not as long as you think.

Also welcome to SF There are loads of support forums here full of great people which I think will be of great help to you. x

 

Hey Roze - that's such a pretty name you have - I am so sorry to hear about all the pain in your family - No minors should have to put up with that amount of pressure/abuse. Sounds like your parents and grandparents need to see the therapists, not you, honey. It's not helpful what they are saying, and it isn't true. It makes me sad that dysfunctional adults can be so blind and insensitive to the youngest generation in their family. Like the good advice above says, when you're 18 you can be independent, ... until then, honey, find supportive people to be around and the courage it takes to stand up to nonsense. The ppl here on this site are always willing to listen hun.