I'm new here so this is just my story of why I joined

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jellybe, Dec 8, 2014.

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  1. jellybe

    jellybe New Member

    I joined this website today because I have become overwhelmed with suicidal thoughts for a few weeks now, and they are starting to scare me. I have had suicidal thoughts since I was in 6th grade, but I always managed to tell myself that it will get better when I graduate high school and go to college. Well here I am in college and I have never been worse. Throughout grade school I tended to alienate myself because I feared rejection. I wasn't really an outcast, I just made myself invisible. I never really made close friends, I wasn't close with my family, I actually hated most of my family, I wasn't friends with anyone in my dance studio. But I always told myself when I go to college I will be more outgoing, and make more friends. Now I am in college and I am realizing that no matter what I do my life tends to be a viscous cycle of self-loathing and alienation. I am on my schools dance team, and we are all suppose to be like sisters, but I have alienated myself so much from them that now they think I am a... for lack of a better word... witch. I don't know what to do anymore, the idea of going away to school and getting a fresh start was always my light at the end of the tunnel... Now that it is nothing more than loneliness, and having no one who cares about you... I don't know what to do anymore. I was always a straight A student in grade school, now I am on the verge of failing my classes. I never thought I was "ugly" but nowadays I feel like a troll. I feel as if I fell off the face of the earth, no one would bat an eyelash. I find myself on the verge of tears walking to my dorm room because I can't help but think... If I took a nap and never woke-up... No one would even notice. I'm terrified of my own thoughts because I have never felt so close to suicide. I am one to make impulse decisions and I'm scared that one day soon I will make the wrong one...
  2. Donnanobispacem

    Donnanobispacem Well-Known Member

    Sorry you're having a tough time. My son left for university this summer and he has hated it so far, and his friends in their various places apparently all do too...it's quite a transition and stressful time.

    Is there a counselor on campus you could make an appointment with?
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome to the forum. I'm really sorry you are going through this. It's never easy feeling alone and isolated all the time. I hope you will find that this site helps you somewhat. Your self esteem seems a bit low, I would definitely recommend counselling to get your confidence back.
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