I'm new here so this is just my story of why I joined

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jellybe, Dec 8, 2014.

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  1. jellybe

    jellybe New Member

    I joined this website today because I have become overwhelmed with suicidal thoughts for a few weeks now, and they are starting to scare me. I have had suicidal thoughts since I was in 6th grade, but I always managed to tell myself that it will get better when I graduate high school and go to college. Well here I am in college and I have never been worse. Throughout grade school I tended to alienate myself because I feared rejection. I wasn't really an outcast, I just made myself invisible. I never really made close friends, I wasn't close with my family, I actually hated most of my family, I wasn't friends with anyone in my dance studio. But I always told myself when I go to college I will be more outgoing, and make more friends. Now I am in college and I am realizing that no matter what I do my life tends to be a viscous cycle of self-loathing and alienation. I am on my schools dance team, and we are all suppose to be like sisters, but I have alienated myself so much from them that now they think I am a... for lack of a better word... witch. I don't know what to do anymore, the idea of going away to school and getting a fresh start was always my light at the end of the tunnel... Now that it is nothing more than loneliness, and having no one who cares about you... I don't know what to do anymore. I was always a straight A student in grade school, now I am on the verge of failing my classes. I never thought I was "ugly" but nowadays I feel like a troll. I feel as if I fell off the face of the earth, no one would bat an eyelash. I find myself on the verge of tears walking to my dorm room because I can't help but think... If I took a nap and never woke-up... No one would even notice. I'm terrified of my own thoughts because I have never felt so close to suicide. I am one to make impulse decisions and I'm scared that one day soon I will make the wrong one...
  2. Donnanobispacem

    Donnanobispacem Well-Known Member

    Sorry you're having a tough time. My son left for university this summer and he has hated it so far, and his friends in their various places apparently all do too...it's quite a transition and stressful time.

    Is there a counselor on campus you could make an appointment with?
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome to the forum. I'm really sorry you are going through this. It's never easy feeling alone and isolated all the time. I hope you will find that this site helps you somewhat. Your self esteem seems a bit low, I would definitely recommend counselling to get your confidence back.
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