I'm new here...

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by jgirl, Feb 16, 2015.

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  1. jgirl

    jgirl Member

    Hi everyone I am new to this forum. I came here because I am looking for support from people who really understand how it might feel to live inside my head :) I promise you wouldn't really want to. I struggle with depression and anxiety. I have attempted suicide a few times, the last time was in July. I nearly died, was in a coma for 5 days and went into cardiac arrest. I woke up on a respirator very confused. I am still here. Most of the time that feels like a good thing, but sometimes I wish I had never woken up. I have been fairly suicidal the last couple of days. There are just a lot of things going on in my life right now I can't control and I'm a bit shakey. Anyway I'm glad to be part of this forum. It's something I've never done before.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear the trauma you went through. I'm glad you have found us. You have to deal with depression on a day by day basis. You should feel at ease here as you are no longer alone in suffering. You should read other posts which should give you re-assurance about posting here.

    The important thing to remember is to be safe and do not act on any feelings. Keep posting for support.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 20, 2015
  3. jgirl

    jgirl Member

    Thank you for the welcome. I had a rough day yesterday and today I am just trying to find some energy, ANY energy! What is it about this illness that just zaps all motivation? I go to bed at night with grand plans to get stuff done the next day and the next day find I can barely get a shower let alone get everything done tat I need to get done. I am in a fragile place, I feel fragile. I despise this feeling! When I am not in this place I love life. I have an amazing family. 3 amazing boys who are married and at the age of 47 I have 5 beautiful grand kids. I have been married 30 years. We have struggled off and on but we have been there for each other during the dark times. My husband is an alcoholic and didn't drink for many years. Last year he started again and it has been rough. He has been emotionally abusive while drunk. He is trying to stop but after 3 weeks he drank the other night and it was hell. I have the means to do what I did in July and this time not be found. I have kept them in a safe place. I am thinking more about it than I have in 6 months. I feel if this is my life, depression ans anxiety, too often struggling, than I don't want it. My brother died by suicide at 30. My mom attempted when I was 9 and I found her. I have an aunt who died by suicide. I am just tired. Sorry for the novel. Thanks for listening.
  4. Somebody

    Somebody Member

    The novel, as you call it, is a testimony that you are strong. Stronger than you yourself realize. Do you have any idea how great a feat it is to share such a story? How are your boys reacting to their father drinking again? I have not been in the position you are in, so i cannot give you advice that are better than those you can get from people that have. I can on the other hand, give you my subjective opinion, and that is to work on the problems you have as a couple, namely the drinking and your suicidal tendencies. having seen so much suicide in one life affects you, that i have experienced, but you are a different breed! You are strong and powerful, more powerful than any alcohol, any words, any emotional beating. Find the evil and uproot it from your life! You are strong enough!
  5. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

  6. jgirl

    jgirl Member

    Thank you for your kind words!
  7. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum.
  8. Lux

    Lux Well-Known Member

    Welcome :)
  9. jgirl

    jgirl Member

    Hello again, thanks for the welcome! I went to my PDoc yesterday and told him I was struggling. I have had ECT in the past but have tried to stay away from it since my memory has deteriorated from it. He told me I need to be on maintenance ECT perhaps for the rest of my life to stay healthy as I am medication resistant. I don't want that. He scheduled me for tomorrow and one on Sat. and 2 next week. By then I will be a bit out of it and I know I will have rebound depression when I begin to come around. UGH!! I really respect my DR. I have been with him for years but I sometimes feel bullied ever so gently. I know I'm in a fragile place right now, and with my history he is worried but I just get so anxious about ECT. My husband stayed home today to keep an eye on me and I feel like a burden. I just want to walk away from it all. What to do?
  10. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Hi, jgirl!

    I've been down the ECT road myself, so I know what a toll it takes on the ole' memory. Six years later I'm still doing exercises to work on improving my memory. It's been a very slow process, but it's gradually happening. I had about 60 ECT (give or take a few) over the course of a year and a half. Then one day, within hours of just having scheduled my next one, they suddenly and without warning pulled the plug on them. To say I was shocked would be an understatement, and it came at the worst possible time. When I asked why they were all of sudden stopped they said "because the side effects were becoming too apparent". They never specified what side effects they were referring to, and I couldn't even think to ask, at the time. I can only assume they were referring to memory.

    They went on to have me do a full day of tests (32 of them to be exact) that took 7hrs straight (out of the 8hrs planned) to do in their attempt to see just how impacted I was by the treatments. I consider myself an over achiever in the thinking dept anyways, but I must admit my brain was complete mush by the end of that day of testing. It was cool to see the results, though. I wish I could remember (the irony) what that particular set of tests was called, but it was very comprehensive to say the least. (Your doc would probably know what this set of tests is called.)

    I want to believe your doc is really trying to do what is best for you, and that if he feels it is going too far (as happened in my case) that he would stop you from doing them. Maybe you could ask your doc that if he's noticing the side effects becoming to 'apparent' would he insist they stop the treatments? Have you asked if there is anything else you could try, too? Maybe you could work on some memory exercises or things that will help improve your memory while doing the treatments (as an attempt to counter the effects)? It may not help a whole, whole lot, but I would think it certainly couldn't hurt all things considered.

    I didn't take to meds too well, either. I had tried countless different meds and combo of meds over the course of about 10-12yrs. At that time they couldn't find any others I could try because I had already tried them all, so I asked to be taken off all my meds five years ago. It turned out that it was only after I got off of all of them that I came to realize they had actually only been making me worse all along. I improved immensely once I got off of them! They are helpful to some, but definitely not for everyone.

    Bottom line, I would encourage trying to be as proactive as you can about this which is why I encourage you to ask your doc more questions.

    Hope you get this figured out!!

    All the best!
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome to the forum :hug:
  12. jgirl

    jgirl Member

    Thanks. Yes I have talked to my Dr. unfortunately he doesntr believe ECT affect memory in the long term. I had one today and will have one Sat. and then re-think things. I'm trying to get off meds because I don't feel like they are helping me, I feel in some ways hey have made me worse. The most difficult to get off is Neurontin. I get so much anxiety without it. Celexa has been rough too, but I am now down to 5mg. daily, so progress there. It's so frustrating! It's good to be in a place where eople have or are experiencing the same things I am. I pride myself on my memory and it has been depressing to watch it go downhill. My family talks about things I have absolutely no recall about. I feel good today though depression and anxiety lifted for now from ECT but it never really lasts. UGH!!!!
  13. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    I was told that the memory issues aren't long term, too. The jury is still out for me about that, but nothing in my life is 'typical' either. If it's rare or exceedingly rare that's what I'm bound to experience. I'm learning to be okay with that, but it is hard sometimes because people find things so hard to believe about my life. All I can say is, "WELCOME to MY world!" lol

    I'm glad the ECT is helping you for now! Hope something will click for you, and the benefits of doing it will start to last! I've had a couple friends who had ECT done, too, but they only temporarily experienced the memory issues. Then again neither of them had anywhere near as many of them as I did. I think the most both of them had was 12.

    I'd like to suggest to you again to try to find memory exercises to work on. I've been told there are some on Luminosity.com and reading a lot helps vastly with memory as well. Hopefully by doing those things it'll help minimize, at least to some extent, the effects of the treatments.

    It's great you can see what the meds are doing (or not) for you! You're doing better than I ever could with those things; that's why I didn't notice how bad they had messed me up till I got off of them. That was sheer wild to observe.

    Will look forward to continuing to hear what you decide, and how you feel it's working out for you!! Keep up the great work!!!

    All the best
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