I'm new here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lifeafterpain, Oct 23, 2009.

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  1. lifeafterpain

    lifeafterpain New Member

    I don't know how I ended up in this place again. Well I guess I really do. It started out SAD and after winter I didn't recover then in April I discovered that my marriage wasn't as strong as I thought, I had a miscarriage, and I lost my job all with in a few weeks of each other. I fell into a major depressive episode and landed in the mental ward three separate times once because I OD'd and ended up in a coma. I got my job back and I was on my way to recovery when I lost my position. I didn't lose my job I just got moved from a position under a man I respected as a mentor to a supervisor who has poor leadership skills. The first thought I jumped to was of killing myself. That was the first thing in my head. Not very professional, I know. And over such a petty little thing. I can't find my life worth living if I can't work for my mentor? How dumb. The thing is its been three days and I've decided to do it. I'm going out to North Carolina to visit my dad and when I get home I'm going to rent a hotel room (so my husband isn't the one who finds me), leave a rather nice tip for the maid, play some soothing music, or not I don't really care. I keep remembering the wonderful nothingness I felt while I was in the coma and I would give everything to feel that again. The moment I really decided I was going to do it, I was going to kill myself I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my chest. I know I'm being childish for killing myself because I can't have my way, but I like the relief I'm feeling knowing there is an end in sight. I want to write a letter to my therapist and apologize to him for wasting so much of his time. I want to make my husband hate me so it doesn't hurt as much that I'm gone, but maybe that isn't necessary, he'll probably hate me for killing myself. I know this wasn't much of an intro. Hi, my name is Danie and I decided to kill myself because I'm a worthless self indulgent baby.
     
  2. NoGood

    NoGood Well-Known Member

    Hi Dani,

    I understood everyone word of what you just said and I feel for you. I know it feels like a weight has been lifted but think about the weight that your leaving behind. I tried to kill myself a few yrs ago and obviously i didnt succeed :) but when i think of all the things that i would have missed out on if i had succeeded, it really makes me so happy that i didnt.

    You said you had a miscarriage, was that your first baby? I know a miscarriage is terrible but would you not like to try again when your feeling up to it and maybe even experience being a Mum?? Imagine the happiness , you would be someones mentor then :)

    I dont know if i can stop you from you plan, all i can ofter is friendship and kind words and a listening ear. Pm me if you ever need someone to talk to. And get stuck into the forum, I came on here seriously depress a few weeks ago and ive come out the other end :) I hope you can too.
     
  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    You've experienced a major trauma in your life. This takes a lot of time to recover from. I'm glad you've come here. Keep posting and we'll walk with you through it.

    I worked as a hotel maid and was called upon to enter a room where it was thought someone was committing suicide. As a person with major depression, it was very difficult to deal with.

    I know you want relief from the problems that are bothering you and there are other ways, examine them and then decide which problems you are going to solve and which ones you are going to let go.

    :hug:
     
  4. lifeafterpain

    lifeafterpain New Member

    I can't have kids, I have a genetic mutation that would make it dangerous for me to carry to term. I've had 4 miscarriages I don't know why this time affected me as much as it did.

    After my OD I would have expected to feel some sort of relief and happiness to be alive, but more than anything I just want to get that feeling of nothing back again. A large part of me is tired of trying to want to live.
     
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