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I'm new.. here's my story.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Broken-Barbie, Oct 22, 2010.

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  1. Broken-Barbie

    Broken-Barbie Account Closed

    I've only just joined this website, after coming across it on a search engine. So yeah, here's my story..

    My names Megan, and i'm 19 years old from london, england.
    i have depression, not exactly what form, actually ive probably got a variety of things wrong with me.
    My childhood was pretty shit, my mum brought me, and my 2 brothers up on her own, in a little house in south east london. I never met my dad. My mum tried her best with us, she worked 2 jobs up until i was about 14, then she got made redundant due to her alcahol problem. When she stopped working, thats when she became worse with me in particular. She let my brothers do what they wanted, probably coz they're older. But i always had to do everything for her, she became so lazy, she'd sit and drink ALL day, and even had men over throughout the day when i was at school. There was never any violence, but because of the situation at home, i started self harming. I didn't wanna be there anymore, like i really didn't. I'd have the odd night at my friends, just to try and get away, but that would never be long term. I'd cut my arms, using anything i found. I started drugs when i was 16, cocaine, and weed mainly, although i have done pills a few times.
    I took my first overdose when i was 17 (2 years ago now), i took all the xxxx i could find, and i genuinly thought i'd not wake up. But i did, and then things went back to normal, like they always did.

    I met Luke a few weeks after i took my first overdose. I fell in love with him pretty quickly, and i thought he'd be the one to make my life better. His family were perfect, and they treated me like a daughter. But for some reason, the self harming didn't stop, even though my drug addiction did. I even stopped smoking normal ciggerettes for him, because he hated anything like that.
    2 months after my 18th birthday, i found out i was pregnant. I didnt leave my house for a week, i just wanted to die, like literally. I was scared to tell Luke, because we never even discussed having a baby, and i knew i'd loose him. I was scared to tell my mum, because she could barely support me, and i knew i'd have so many responsibilies. But i told Luke, and at first he was amazing. he said i could move in with him and his family and he's support me and be there for me and the baby. 3 weeks later, i found out he had cheated on me, with a friend of mine. It was like i was back at square one, back with my mum, on my own, cutting every day, taking cocaine again and smoking weed. I didn't even care i had a baby inside me. I didn't want to be here, ecspecially without Luke.

    My little boy Alfie is 8 months old now. He's perfect. We live with my brother in his flat, until i can get somewhere of my own. I wish i could say i've changed from the nasty person i used to be, but i havent. I guess if i had, i wouldn't be here would i? Luke just fucked off, he hasn't bothered with us at all. He's seen alfie 3 times since he's been born. I don't do drugs anymore. But i smoke, self harm and i still am suicidal more times than i should be with a little baby. :(

    I just feel lost, like i want someone who understands whats going on in my head, but nobody seems to?
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 22, 2010
  2. Enigmatic Ed

    Enigmatic Ed Well-Known Member

    welcome to sf sure you will find many people on here who can relate and help. not what you wana here but your kid is your number one priority and you must do whats best for him, namely being there. good luck girl, rootin for ya. Ed.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...although you have a young son, you have to take care of yourself...during one of your GP visits, please tell him/her how you are feeling and see what care could be available to you...welcome again, and so glad you decided to share with us...big hugs, J
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    hey there,

    I don't know how it goes in the UK, but here in the states, your ex-bf is required to pay for child support. That might help.

    Please try to get treatment for the self-harm. You deserve to have a better life and so does Alfie.

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