I'm New to this and connot find the "rules"

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by energizer, Apr 1, 2010.

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  1. energizer

    energizer New Member

    My wife "A" went away for 3 weeks in Oct 2009 - All was good with us and nothing was a problem. But circumstanses kind of out of our control prompted her to be away a little longer, and longer......

    At Christmas I spotted a problem, (marital) - By NYE I was sure we had "Issues" and indeed there was a "boyfriend". "A" maintained that it was social thing and that she did want to come home (5000 miles Uk to Canada).

    On Jan 3rd I said "If you are coming home then come now" - Things progressed to get worse for us both - 27th she booked a flight home for in April.

    Things were bad and getting worse - I could not understand why, if she was coming would she book a flight so far away instead of coming now. Lots and lots of "issues" developed and it just kept getting worse.

    Cutting a long and very complicated story short - I wanted her to come home "now" and she refused. I flew to here at the end of Feb and all our troubles seemed to melt away just by being together. We clearly discussed stuff, but nothing seemed as dramatic as it did before.

    I returned home, but still she wouldn't come (until April 16th) - Two days later we were back where we were.

    On March 7th "A" made what appears to be a credible suicide attempt - She recovered and seemed to go on a bit of a "high".

    I had continued to get deflated and demanded she return early and now - She said she would and then next day changed her mind - I called our 25yr marriage ended. I truly believed it was what she wanted but she wouldn't say.

    That night she attempted suicide again (28th March) this time I and my daughter spoke to her on the phone as she took pills 5000 miles from us - I thought she had passed out as we spoke. She was totally evil in some of the things she said, in my belief of it being her final words.

    Three days later as I write she is on an aircraft flying "home" - I find it incredible that the hospital released her on the same day of a second attempt within 3 weeks......

    But now ? What now ?? Where is the rule book on this one ???

    We are vertually on our own here having emigrated 3 years ago - I am as low as she is, "friends" don't seem to understand that I am pretty f88ked up too, and our 15yr old daughter who just thought she had heard mum die!!!!

    I have a doctors appointment booked - I have the local crisis line

    But my god how do we deal with with this????

  2. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    All you can do is just try to be there for her. I realize thing got kinda bad for the two of you but as you said it seemed to get better when you were reunited. Also make sure to sit down with your daughter and make sure she understands everything that is going on and make yourself available to her if she ever needs to talk. Really the only thing you can do in this situation is provide emotional support and be there 100 percent for her.
  3. tonopah

    tonopah Guest

    Not that I'm an expert, but I'll tell you what my doctor told me: "You have to take care of yourself right now." And in your case, I would imagine that means yourself and your daughter. No matter what, you can't let your wife ruin your daughter's life like that. I'm suicidal, too, and thinking about a divorce, but I would never use that to mess with my kids like that. In fact, the one thing that's holding me together right now is thinking about what my death would do to my kids. I would do anything to keep them safe, even if it means existing with my own pain. I've seen what suicide does to the people who get left behind, and that's the single thing keeping me here right now. I just can't screw up my kids' lives. Don't let your wife do that to your daughter. You have to be an advocate for your daughter. She has no one else.
  4. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    that sounds just like an example story I read regarding BPD ( borderline personality disorder ). I mean the details are down right almot identical....

    It's going to requir outside intervention....does she have a psych or therapist? Did you ask the hospital whey the released her and did a crisis social worker speak to her at the hospital?
  5. energizer

    energizer New Member

    I picked "A" and my eldest daughter up at the airport a few hours ago - Unfortunaltely I "went mental" I completely lost it. In another place and another moment I might well have killed all four of us! A wholly regretable action but I just lost all self control, so angry.
    But now we are "home" my eldest will stay for a week and "A" has agreed to stay and give it her best shot in getting better.
    It appears she has had no treatment whatsoever in the Uk - I had picked up some leaflets recently and left them 'available'. "A" was reading them, I said "You're reading them as if you haven't seen anything like them" - She hadn't even been given a leaflet from the hospital, let alone any meds, or follow up.
    We will go to the Docs on Tuesday, I want her well for our daughters, no matter where she chooses to live, or who with......

    TONOPAH - Please just don't !!! Do you know what your ideal place looks like? Can you make a choice ? Then start to work towards it. I have seen many troublesome divorces (none of my own) and in every case the kids have bounced back as have the people. New places, new lives, new friends.... It'll work out - But we just don't know the result just yet!!
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I would also consider family counselling so that everyone has a place to put all the chaos...you all have been through a lot and sounds like you have no reserve...try to schedule outings so that you do not have a lot of time to rehash what has gone on...big hugs, J
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