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#1
I just don't know where to start. I've had depression for a long time and genuinely tried all available treatments to no avail. Apart from the usual symptoms of depression, my mind is inundated with very painful thoughts associated with the past. These thoughts are constant and they make me very emotional and tearful. My self loathing makes me feel unworthy of getting better so I write this with little hope. The reason why I've registered with this forum is because my mental state has been worsening over the last year and I'm struggling to know what to do.
 

JDot

drink plenty of water
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#4
Welcome to SF. I'm glad you found us. You may feel unworthy, but that doesn't mean you are unworthy of getting better. It's understandable that thoughts with the past make you feel depressed. Someone once said that thoughts associated with the past can cause depression, and thoughts associated with the future can cause anxiety. Just know everyone here is worthy of getting better, and SF is here for you. I hope to see you around.
 

KM76710

Kangaroo Manager
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#6
I just don't know where to start. I've had depression for a long time and genuinely tried all available treatments to no avail. Apart from the usual symptoms of depression, my mind is inundated with very painful thoughts associated with the past. These thoughts are constant and they make me very emotional and tearful. My self loathing makes me feel unworthy of getting better so I write this with little hope. The reason why I've registered with this forum is because my mental state has been worsening over the last year and I'm struggling to know what to do.
Welcome to the forum here and glad that you are posting. You are starting just fine introducing yourself. You are in a good place here with fine folks to meet and get to know. I hope that we can help you to feel better about yourself and get better with hope for yourself. You will find supportive people and hopefully we can lend a hand in your struggle.
 

Survivorist

Black sheep of my family....
#11
Hi @Patrick Gill , this is the best place to find help. Try to stop to feel unworthy because of the past. You cannot change it any longer. What helped always was: make a plan to make it better in the future and not repeat the same mistakes again. I mean depression might come back - but it does not mean that we always make the same errors again. What helped me is not therapy (I had more than 2 years all in all - mostly stationary) but writing down the story and medication (which I later reduced very much) and sport. But the community here has good experience and gives good advice. Welcome here.
 
#13
Hi @Patrick Gill , this is the best place to find help. Try to stop to feel unworthy because of the past. You cannot change it any longer. What helped always was: make a plan to make it better in the future and not repeat the same mistakes again. I mean depression might come back - but it does not mean that we always make the same errors again. What helped me is not therapy (I had more than 2 years all in all - mostly stationary) but writing down the story and medication (which I later reduced very much) and sport. But the community here has good experience and gives good advice. Welcome here.
Thank you for those wise words
 

So so tired

Well-Known Member
#14
I just don't know where to start. I've had depression for a long time and genuinely tried all available treatments to no avail. Apart from the usual symptoms of depression, my mind is inundated with very painful thoughts associated with the past. These thoughts are constant and they make me very emotional and tearful. My self loathing makes me feel unworthy of getting better so I write this with little hope. The reason why I've registered with this forum is because my mental state has been worsening over the last year and I'm struggling to know what to do.


Welcome @Patrick Gill *brohug

I am sorry to hear that you have suffered with depression for a long time and any type of treatment has been unhelpful.
Its truly exhausting to keep fighting and questioning what else we can do to help ourselves so it's to your credit and great that you have reached out.

Our mind can be so cruel and we are often our own worst enemy. Low self esteem can lead us down a very dark tunnel of self loathing. In reality we all deserve support to feel better and recognise that We are worthy and that includes you.

I know how difficult it can be to have a mind that constantly reminds us of the past. I often live in the past bc it's the only place that I can feel happiness ( there are some slight exceptions to this).
Without it sounding too flippant, we cannot keep looking in the rear view mirror if we are to move forward and as they say don't let your past take away your future.
I use to get really frustrated when people said things like this to me but it's so true.
It sounds so simple, I know and I wish that I could fully embrace this concept.

However, What I have realised over the last year or so, is that we can waste so much time by holding ourselves back, not allowing ourselves to feel happiness or joy.
I understand and acknowledge the pain and emotions of past trauma but have really been trying so hard to make just very small changes over time to invisage a future.
I'm not saying it's easy bc it's not, I still have serious moments of suicidal intent and often cry myself to sleep bc I miss my hubby and son but I'm throwing myself into college (becoming a counsellor) and started to learn snowboarding and using other distractions to keep dark thoughts away.

We have to start with small steps bc we either just purely live to exist, spiral down or decide to try and change our thinking and what we believe of ourselves to move forward. We often have an inner dialogue that revolves around thoughts that just aren't true.
We often treat ourselves in a manner that we would never treat others and this is unacceptable.

Every crisis is so demanding and takes so much out of us. Every time we fall, it seems so difficult to get up and have the desire to do so. A turning point for me was when I realised that things had to change and I was the only person responsible and able to make these changes.


Please be kinder to yourself.

So so tired.
 
#15
Thank you very much for such a wonderful and insightful reply. I couldn't believe it when I was reading it - the fact that someone had taken the time to try and help me! I agree with everything you say and the fact that you want to help others by becoming a counsellor must surely mean that you're making good progress now.
You mention the fact that you miss your hubby and son - well, that resonated with me straight away. Those painful thoughts that I described are all to do with the loss of my dear mum which was over 20 years ago now. I've lost everyone else in my life now and it's hard to know how much my mental problems are to blame for that.
I was heartened to read about the importance you place in good healthy distractions. I too find distracting activities helpful but regrettably, much less so now. I'm a keen cyclist and kayaker and still do these activities but the pain is always there in my head - it's difficult to describe how painful these thoughts are but I have a feeling that you know.
I'm not sure how registering with this forum is going to help me but I'm very impressed so far.
Thank you once again for such a great reply and let's hope we both make some positive steps.
Best regards
Patrick
 

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