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- Thread starter Patrick Gill
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Welcome @Patrick Gill 
I am sorry to hear that you have suffered with depression for a long time and any type of treatment has been unhelpful.
Its truly exhausting to keep fighting and questioning what else we can do to help ourselves so it's to your credit and great that you have reached out.
Our mind can be so cruel and we are often our own worst enemy. Low self esteem can lead us down a very dark tunnel of self loathing. In reality we all deserve support to feel better and recognise that We are worthy and that includes you.
I know how difficult it can be to have a mind that constantly reminds us of the past. I often live in the past bc it's the only place that I can feel happiness ( there are some slight exceptions to this).
Without it sounding too flippant, we cannot keep looking in the rear view mirror if we are to move forward and as they say don't let your past take away your future.
I use to get really frustrated when people said things like this to me but it's so true.
It sounds so simple, I know and I wish that I could fully embrace this concept.
However, What I have realised over the last year or so, is that we can waste so much time by holding ourselves back, not allowing ourselves to feel happiness or joy.
I understand and acknowledge the pain and emotions of past trauma but have really been trying so hard to make just very small changes over time to invisage a future.
I'm not saying it's easy bc it's not, I still have serious moments of suicidal intent and often cry myself to sleep bc I miss my hubby and son but I'm throwing myself into college (becoming a counsellor) and started to learn snowboarding and using other distractions to keep dark thoughts away.
We have to start with small steps bc we either just purely live to exist, spiral down or decide to try and change our thinking and what we believe of ourselves to move forward. We often have an inner dialogue that revolves around thoughts that just aren't true.
We often treat ourselves in a manner that we would never treat others and this is unacceptable.
Every crisis is so demanding and takes so much out of us. Every time we fall, it seems so difficult to get up and have the desire to do so. A turning point for me was when I realised that things had to change and I was the only person responsible and able to make these changes.
Please be kinder to yourself.
So so tired.
I am sorry to hear that you have suffered with depression for a long time and any type of treatment has been unhelpful.
Its truly exhausting to keep fighting and questioning what else we can do to help ourselves so it's to your credit and great that you have reached out.
Our mind can be so cruel and we are often our own worst enemy. Low self esteem can lead us down a very dark tunnel of self loathing. In reality we all deserve support to feel better and recognise that We are worthy and that includes you.
I know how difficult it can be to have a mind that constantly reminds us of the past. I often live in the past bc it's the only place that I can feel happiness ( there are some slight exceptions to this).
Without it sounding too flippant, we cannot keep looking in the rear view mirror if we are to move forward and as they say don't let your past take away your future.
I use to get really frustrated when people said things like this to me but it's so true.
It sounds so simple, I know and I wish that I could fully embrace this concept.
However, What I have realised over the last year or so, is that we can waste so much time by holding ourselves back, not allowing ourselves to feel happiness or joy.
I understand and acknowledge the pain and emotions of past trauma but have really been trying so hard to make just very small changes over time to invisage a future.
I'm not saying it's easy bc it's not, I still have serious moments of suicidal intent and often cry myself to sleep bc I miss my hubby and son but I'm throwing myself into college (becoming a counsellor) and started to learn snowboarding and using other distractions to keep dark thoughts away.
We have to start with small steps bc we either just purely live to exist, spiral down or decide to try and change our thinking and what we believe of ourselves to move forward. We often have an inner dialogue that revolves around thoughts that just aren't true.
We often treat ourselves in a manner that we would never treat others and this is unacceptable.
Every crisis is so demanding and takes so much out of us. Every time we fall, it seems so difficult to get up and have the desire to do so. A turning point for me was when I realised that things had to change and I was the only person responsible and able to make these changes.
Please be kinder to yourself.
So so tired.
Just keep coming back to this and seeing more in it. It is a great piece of writing.
🤗
Thank you for the welcome may71.
I was prescribed tricyclic antidepressants back in the 80's and they had no effect on me at all. I've been prescribed numerous brands of SSRI antidepressants and none of them had any effect on the depression. The last batch was Sertraline around 4 years ago and the only effect of them was to make me a little sleepy.
Over the years, I've had a number of CBT sessions which didn't help at all. I've also had a 6 week program of therapy from a 'highly qualified' psychotherapist. He had a habit of glancing at the clock rather too often and rarely gave me the full hour - it was a dreadful experience.
I was prescribed tricyclic antidepressants back in the 80's and they had no effect on me at all. I've been prescribed numerous brands of SSRI antidepressants and none of them had any effect on the depression. The last batch was Sertraline around 4 years ago and the only effect of them was to make me a little sleepy.
Over the years, I've had a number of CBT sessions which didn't help at all. I've also had a 6 week program of therapy from a 'highly qualified' psychotherapist. He had a habit of glancing at the clock rather too often and rarely gave me the full hour - it was a dreadful experience.
Please excuse me adding more to your thread @Patrick Gill .
Just keep coming back to this and seeing more in it. It is a great piece of writing.
🤗
Just keep coming back to this and seeing more in it. It is a great piece of writing.
🤗
When i found this place, i didn't know where to start either.... so i just typed. i found SF to be a safe place to just type. People listened, responded if they wanted to or could.
i hope you are able to find SF to be a safe place for you to get whatever is trapped inside... out, and that it can help you to regain what you desire and need to move forward with more happiness in your life.
i feel for you, empathize and understand completely.
The past can be extremely difficult to overcome or even come to terms with. i feel our past can define us, redesign us, hurt us, and help us. Life is full of learning experiences, both good and bad. It's up to us to determine what we learn from it and how we move forward. Many of us, self included, need help... some of us (speaking of myself strongly here) need loads more help. i am trying to come to terms with this concept, because i grew up in the heart of the stigma about 1: asking for help and 2: needing the help. i will not comment further on that as i am trying to rid myself of it.
This is loads longer then i intended... i apologize... i extend way too often.
Welcome to the forum. Take what you need, leave what you don't. i do hope you find some comfort in what everyone here has to say and in helping others if you are able.
i hope you are able to find SF to be a safe place for you to get whatever is trapped inside... out, and that it can help you to regain what you desire and need to move forward with more happiness in your life.
i feel for you, empathize and understand completely.
The past can be extremely difficult to overcome or even come to terms with. i feel our past can define us, redesign us, hurt us, and help us. Life is full of learning experiences, both good and bad. It's up to us to determine what we learn from it and how we move forward. Many of us, self included, need help... some of us (speaking of myself strongly here) need loads more help. i am trying to come to terms with this concept, because i grew up in the heart of the stigma about 1: asking for help and 2: needing the help. i will not comment further on that as i am trying to rid myself of it.
This is loads longer then i intended... i apologize... i extend way too often.
Welcome to the forum. Take what you need, leave what you don't. i do hope you find some comfort in what everyone here has to say and in helping others if you are able.
You're welcome!
I'm sorry that treatments haven't helped you so far.
That's awful. Someone posted something similar recently. I think there are people who go into psychotherapy for the wrong reasons and who lack the most basic qualifications of empathy and devotion to positive outcomes for their patients.
I could try to offer some suggestions about treatment/other treatment options if you'd like, but it's also ok if you don't want that.
I'm sorry that treatments haven't helped you so far.
That's awful. Someone posted something similar recently. I think there are people who go into psychotherapy for the wrong reasons and who lack the most basic qualifications of empathy and devotion to positive outcomes for their patients.
I could try to offer some suggestions about treatment/other treatment options if you'd like, but it's also ok if you don't want that.
Your very welcome
We are a friendly, caring and supportive community here.
Although we all have our individual struggles, people do reach out to help others when they can and I think that means so much and makes us feel understood and less alone.
I do hope that I will be able to professionally help others in the future which would allow me to feel that I'm making a difference after facing struggles myself. Thankyou for your kind words.
I sorry to hear about your mum and the subsequent loss of others due to poor mental health.
Unfortunately, people do attach a time scale to measure grief and become less understanding and supportive over time when we are not recovering as they expect.
Its important to remember that we all grieve in different ways and it is still OK to cry and have feelings - she was such a significant person in your life.
I will not pretend that I really know how it feels to lose a parent whom you love so much but I do know that in my heart
, I will always love and miss my husband until the day I die.
I get triggered still by certain things that remind me of him that can send me into floods of tears. I allow myself to cry whilst asking when will the tears ever stop!
I know how hard these feelings are to manage.
You talk about healthy distractions, these are great. Do you take part in competitions tions? That would give you focus and something to strive for or if not, can you set yourself personal targets?.
I've also learnt that we should have a wide variety of distractions which will can draw upon that suits our needs for each moment.
I find that music is a good choice for me but on occasion, it just doesn't help at all bc I'm so restless and agitated so I need to go to a spin class (which are great BTW).
So have lots of distractions which may range from simple little things to more strenuous activities.
Please try to get rest and give yourself good nutrition. I know it sounds basic but these things are important too.
Take care x
We are a friendly, caring and supportive community here.
Although we all have our individual struggles, people do reach out to help others when they can and I think that means so much and makes us feel understood and less alone.
I do hope that I will be able to professionally help others in the future which would allow me to feel that I'm making a difference after facing struggles myself. Thankyou for your kind words.
I sorry to hear about your mum and the subsequent loss of others due to poor mental health.
Unfortunately, people do attach a time scale to measure grief and become less understanding and supportive over time when we are not recovering as they expect.
Its important to remember that we all grieve in different ways and it is still OK to cry and have feelings - she was such a significant person in your life.
I will not pretend that I really know how it feels to lose a parent whom you love so much but I do know that in my heart
, I will always love and miss my husband until the day I die.
I get triggered still by certain things that remind me of him that can send me into floods of tears. I allow myself to cry whilst asking when will the tears ever stop!
I know how hard these feelings are to manage.
You talk about healthy distractions, these are great. Do you take part in competitions tions? That would give you focus and something to strive for or if not, can you set yourself personal targets?.
I've also learnt that we should have a wide variety of distractions which will can draw upon that suits our needs for each moment.
I find that music is a good choice for me but on occasion, it just doesn't help at all bc I'm so restless and agitated so I need to go to a spin class (which are great BTW).
So have lots of distractions which may range from simple little things to more strenuous activities.
Please try to get rest and give yourself good nutrition. I know it sounds basic but these things are important too.
Take care x
Hi Patrick. I haven’t been on this forum particularly long myself, but I can say that in that brief time I’ve encountered kindness like I’d never expected from everybody on here. I’ve found that even though I may come here to share/battle through the darker aspects of my day to day, this site does provide a little reprieve from the chaos. I hope it can do the same for you, too.
You're welcome!
You might want to take a look at these two links (to pages on SF):
Chinese Herbal Medicine and Acupuncture, World's Second Largest Medical System
Self-Treatment and Miscellaneous
If don't get good results, or results that are good enough from these treatments, there still might be some other antidepressants worth trying, but I'm guessing not tricyclics or ssri's.
It sounds like therapy might be really good for you if you could only find the right therapist. It might be difficult to search through several therapists looking for the right one, but I think that effort could be worthwhile.
There's a couple books from the reading-well.org.uk booklist that might be worth checking out:
An Introduction to Coping with Grief, 2nd Edition
Sue Morris
Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving
Julia Samuel
The books on the list have been vetted by at least one healthcare professional. There might be other books that you'd like better or just as well, but at least there's some level of professional endorsement for these.
You might want to take a look at these two links (to pages on SF):
Chinese Herbal Medicine and Acupuncture, World's Second Largest Medical System
Self-Treatment and Miscellaneous
If don't get good results, or results that are good enough from these treatments, there still might be some other antidepressants worth trying, but I'm guessing not tricyclics or ssri's.
It sounds like therapy might be really good for you if you could only find the right therapist. It might be difficult to search through several therapists looking for the right one, but I think that effort could be worthwhile.
There's a couple books from the reading-well.org.uk booklist that might be worth checking out:
An Introduction to Coping with Grief, 2nd Edition
Sue Morris
Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving
Julia Samuel
The books on the list have been vetted by at least one healthcare professional. There might be other books that you'd like better or just as well, but at least there's some level of professional endorsement for these.
Welcome @Patrick Gill. Like you, I am tormented by memories. EMDR helped me in the beginning by helping me contain the awful memories and reduce the pain of them. Maybe you have tried this already and it didn’t help. It helped me to keep searching for a good PTSD therapist and not open up until I was confident that I could trust them.
Unfortunately, the best therapists don’t take insurance (because they have quite a full case load without having to deal with the insurance companies). This puts them out of reach for most.
Yet I wonder if you might have not found someone you click with yet. Often relating to a compassionate therapist can show us how to be compassionate towards ourselves, and to recognize our own inner worth.
I believe that all human beings have intrinsic worth, no matter how they behave. Chaotic behavior obscures that worth, but I believe it is in there somewhere.
Are you putting conditions on your own self worth, as in do you feel worthy only if you meet certain criteria? I would offer that people without a moral compass never worry about self worth; they are convinced they are right, even if they know their actions are harmful. So the fact that you are even concerned about this demonstrates that you have something to offer. I don’t know if any of this helps, but it’s really a reflection on my own experience. Your situation is of course unique, but sometimes what works for others has helped me, too.
Unfortunately, the best therapists don’t take insurance (because they have quite a full case load without having to deal with the insurance companies). This puts them out of reach for most.
Yet I wonder if you might have not found someone you click with yet. Often relating to a compassionate therapist can show us how to be compassionate towards ourselves, and to recognize our own inner worth.
I believe that all human beings have intrinsic worth, no matter how they behave. Chaotic behavior obscures that worth, but I believe it is in there somewhere.
Are you putting conditions on your own self worth, as in do you feel worthy only if you meet certain criteria? I would offer that people without a moral compass never worry about self worth; they are convinced they are right, even if they know their actions are harmful. So the fact that you are even concerned about this demonstrates that you have something to offer. I don’t know if any of this helps, but it’s really a reflection on my own experience. Your situation is of course unique, but sometimes what works for others has helped me, too.
Your very welcome
We are a friendly, caring and supportive community here.
Although we all have our individual struggles, people do reach out to help others when they can and I think that means so much and makes us feel understood and less alone.
I do hope that I will be able to professionally help others in the future which would allow me to feel that I'm making a difference after facing struggles myself. Thankyou for your kind words.
I sorry to hear about your mum and the subsequent loss of others due to poor mental health.
Unfortunately, people do attach a time scale to measure grief and become less understanding and supportive over time when we are not recovering as they expect.
Its important to remember that we all grieve in different ways and it is still OK to cry and have feelings - she was such a significant person in your life.
I will not pretend that I really know how it feels to lose a parent whom you love so much but I do know that in my heart
, I will always love and miss my husband until the day I die.
I get triggered still by certain things that remind me of him that can send me into floods of tears. I allow myself to cry whilst asking when will the tears ever stop!
I know how hard these feelings are to manage.
You talk about healthy distractions, these are great. Do you take part in competitions tions? That would give you focus and something to strive for or if not, can you set yourself personal targets?.
I've also learnt that we should have a wide variety of distractions which will can draw upon that suits our needs for each moment.
I find that music is a good choice for me but on occasion, it just doesn't help at all bc I'm so restless and agitated so I need to go to a spin class (which are great BTW).
So have lots of distractions which may range from simple little things to more strenuous activities.
Please try to get rest and give yourself good nutrition. I know it sounds basic but these things are important too.
Take care x
We are a friendly, caring and supportive community here.
Although we all have our individual struggles, people do reach out to help others when they can and I think that means so much and makes us feel understood and less alone.
I do hope that I will be able to professionally help others in the future which would allow me to feel that I'm making a difference after facing struggles myself. Thankyou for your kind words.
I sorry to hear about your mum and the subsequent loss of others due to poor mental health.
Unfortunately, people do attach a time scale to measure grief and become less understanding and supportive over time when we are not recovering as they expect.
Its important to remember that we all grieve in different ways and it is still OK to cry and have feelings - she was such a significant person in your life.
I will not pretend that I really know how it feels to lose a parent whom you love so much but I do know that in my heart
, I will always love and miss my husband until the day I die.
I get triggered still by certain things that remind me of him that can send me into floods of tears. I allow myself to cry whilst asking when will the tears ever stop!
I know how hard these feelings are to manage.
You talk about healthy distractions, these are great. Do you take part in competitions tions? That would give you focus and something to strive for or if not, can you set yourself personal targets?.
I've also learnt that we should have a wide variety of distractions which will can draw upon that suits our needs for each moment.
I find that music is a good choice for me but on occasion, it just doesn't help at all bc I'm so restless and agitated so I need to go to a spin class (which are great BTW).
So have lots of distractions which may range from simple little things to more strenuous activities.
Please try to get rest and give yourself good nutrition. I know it sounds basic but these things are important too.
Take care x
I was saddened to read about your husband and how his loss makes you feel. I can imagine how painful it is and if you're a sensitive person like me, you'll feel the pain far more intensely than others might. In my experience, being sensitive is often considered to be a character flaw and something which most so called friends will merely humour.
The subject of distractions is a good one. The kayaking and cycling I mentioned used to do the trick (temporarily) but over the last year of so, the effect of these activities has waned dramatically and now, it takes a huge effort to even get out to do them. I fully understand your point about having something to focus on and I used to be competitive but no longer. The truth is, I'm struggling just to 'get by' now. Music is important to me and I'd love to get well enough to resume playing flute but right now, I've no desire to.
I know what you mean about feeling restless and indeed, spin classes would certainly help. I would substitute climbing a steep hill on my bike but it would have the same effect.
Once again, thank you for such a thorough and well considered reply. Best regards Patrick.
What an insightful and thought provoking comment, thank you. I can certainly echo your use of the word 'torment'. I haven't tried EMDR but I shall read up about it. You make a very good point about the difficulty in finding the right professional to help. In the decades since I started to suffer, I haven't found anyone that I could place my trust in. There are many private therapists in my country but they are expensive and I wonder how many I'd have to try before I find 'the one' or just give up. I've had more interest and compassion shown towards me on this forum than anything before!
Your point about feeling worthy made me think. The fact is, my self loathing relates to the past and all the things I could have done better. I do have a very strong 'moral compass' and I'm also very sensitive which probably makes me so self critical. Your mention of chaotic behaviour is quite apt for me although in the past, I've been inclined to refer to it as impulsive and inspired!
Thank you again for such a thoughtful reply. Regards Patrick.
Your point about feeling worthy made me think. The fact is, my self loathing relates to the past and all the things I could have done better. I do have a very strong 'moral compass' and I'm also very sensitive which probably makes me so self critical. Your mention of chaotic behaviour is quite apt for me although in the past, I've been inclined to refer to it as impulsive and inspired!
Thank you again for such a thoughtful reply. Regards Patrick.
Thank you may71. I very much appreciate all the links and ideas - I shall look into them.
I agree with your observation about me responding well to the right therapist. I'm sure that I could express myself adequately if I could only find someone who is prepared to accept my personality and demonstrate that they cared. I do like asking questions and I've always had high expectations of professionals which probably explains why I've always felt let down.
You are correct in your assumption that grief is a major component for me. Thank you very much. Patrick
I agree with your observation about me responding well to the right therapist. I'm sure that I could express myself adequately if I could only find someone who is prepared to accept my personality and demonstrate that they cared. I do like asking questions and I've always had high expectations of professionals which probably explains why I've always felt let down.
You are correct in your assumption that grief is a major component for me. Thank you very much. Patrick
Please excuse me adding more to your thread @Patrick Gill .
Just keep coming back to this and seeing more in it. It is a great piece of writing.
🤗
Just keep coming back to this and seeing more in it. It is a great piece of writing.
🤗
You are welcome, and when I refer to chaotic behavior, I mean to describe things we do without enough forethought to avoid later regrets about them. I’m trying to find a non judgmental way to reference what is generally referred to as “poor decisions”. I don’t like the common term because I believe that most of us are doing the best we can at the time.
It’s said that good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from poor judgement. We are all learning as we go.
It’s said that good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from poor judgement. We are all learning as we go.
You're welcome!
Yes, you'd probably have to shop around. I guess if you saw therapists that offered a free initial consultation, and you didn't mind talking to a few, it wouldn't be so bad.
There's also group therapy, which is usually much cheaper. If you went to group therapy or a support group centered around grief, that might be good.
I think there's a sticky thread in the grief forum with info about finding groups or other resources.
Yes, you'd probably have to shop around. I guess if you saw therapists that offered a free initial consultation, and you didn't mind talking to a few, it wouldn't be so bad.
There's also group therapy, which is usually much cheaper. If you went to group therapy or a support group centered around grief, that might be good.
I think there's a sticky thread in the grief forum with info about finding groups or other resources.