I'm going to be 25 this year. Suicide has been a big part of my life for the last 10 years, from when my mom attempted and failed in 2000 to when one of my closest friends succeeded 4 months ago. I keep telling myself I can't do it, that I can't do it to my family and friends, but it is getting harder every day. I just lost my job, I've never been laid off before and it's making it all make sense even more. I live on the 22nd floor. I feel like everyone knows. Like I am carrying it in my hand, and I don't know where to put it or what to do with it, and everyone sees it but no one knows what to say. They just don't look at it directly. I've been reading a lot, I read Night Falls Fast by Jamison and A Grief Observed by CS Lewis and it helps at first, but only for a short amount of time. I haven't really had sex in months, I haven't enjoyed sex in at least a year. I see a therapist. I had a physical. I am trying to fix it and nothing is working. I need help.