I'm 27 years old, since the age of 12 I've been off and on medications for depression. Sometimes I wonder if my life would have been different if I had had different parents? My whole family are drug addicts. My parents raised me and my brother that doing drugs was cool, I started doing them when I was 12 as well. I attempted suicide when I was 16. I took XXX and ended up in the hospital and then Charter. My brother died 3 years ago, from a drug overdose. My life had started taking a turn for the better when I was about 23, and then my brother died when I was 24. Life has meant little to me since... I remember around the age of 17 quiting drugs. I thought I had found a place in this world that I was beginning to like. I became more spiritual and slowly, a better person. Since the death of my brother, I started drinking quite heavily. To the point where I actually don't feel like I'm having fun unless I drink. And all thoughts regarding religion/spirituality have died. For 3 years now I have basically become a hermit. I've gained 60 lbs, I don't have a job, I barely clean the house. And of course my relationships have suffered. And I feel horrible because I have a 7 month old baby girl... and she's beautiful and I love her, but still, I can't shake these feelings of wishing I just didn't exist. And it's not just the death of my brother. I think that was just the breaking point. I've always hated myself. I'm cynical, I have no faith in humanity whatsoever. I have zero female friends. I've been called mean a lot, but I always took that as me being blatant, but I'm just now realizing that I have a problem with people, that needs to be remedied for anyone to really like me. I'm tired of never being understood. I'll sit and talk with my boyfriend about my problems and he just stares back at me. We've been together four years and he doesn't even tell me he loves me. And I've begged him that I needed someone to tell me.... to no avail. I feel I'm old enough that I should be able to cope with these feelings and move on, but they still weigh me down after all these years. My mother abused me mentally and emotionally and I sometimes do the same thing to people I care about! My mother still says things that catch me off guard like, "You're not going to hurt the baby to get attention are you?" Like, what does that mean? Does she really think I'm crazy? I would never hurt my daughter. She's the only good thing I have.... I haven't moved on from the torment of my mother. I still hear her voice in my head telling me "I'm nothing" and a "*****". I think I could go on for hours, and I'm usually a rather inward person. I don't like to cry in front of people or show I'm freaking out. Somehow I think that it's weak. I'm not so much suicidal as I just wish I never existed. And I feel bad, that means my daughter would never have existed. Guilt. Anger. Sadness. Running rampant at the moment.