I'm new

I'm 27 years old, since the age of 12 I've been off and on medications for depression. Sometimes I wonder if my life would have been different if I had had different parents? My whole family are drug addicts. My parents raised me and my brother that doing drugs was cool, I started doing them when I was 12 as well. I attempted suicide when I was 16. I took XXX and ended up in the hospital and then Charter. My brother died 3 years ago, from a drug overdose. My life had started taking a turn for the better when I was about 23, and then my brother died when I was 24. Life has meant little to me since...

I remember around the age of 17 quiting drugs. I thought I had found a place in this world that I was beginning to like. I became more spiritual and slowly, a better person. Since the death of my brother, I started drinking quite heavily. To the point where I actually don't feel like I'm having fun unless I drink. And all thoughts regarding religion/spirituality have died.

For 3 years now I have basically become a hermit. I've gained 60 lbs, I don't have a job, I barely clean the house. And of course my relationships have suffered.

And I feel horrible because I have a 7 month old baby girl... and she's beautiful and I love her, but still, I can't shake these feelings of wishing I just didn't exist.

And it's not just the death of my brother. I think that was just the breaking point. I've always hated myself. I'm cynical, I have no faith in humanity whatsoever. I have zero female friends. I've been called mean a lot, but I always took that as me being blatant, but I'm just now realizing that I have a problem with people, that needs to be remedied for anyone to really like me.

I'm tired of never being understood. I'll sit and talk with my boyfriend about my problems and he just stares back at me. We've been together four years and he doesn't even tell me he loves me. And I've begged him that I needed someone to tell me.... to no avail.

I feel I'm old enough that I should be able to cope with these feelings and move on, but they still weigh me down after all these years.

My mother abused me mentally and emotionally and I sometimes do the same thing to people I care about! My mother still says things that catch me off guard like, "You're not going to hurt the baby to get attention are you?" Like, what does that mean? Does she really think I'm crazy? I would never hurt my daughter. She's the only good thing I have....

I haven't moved on from the torment of my mother. I still hear her voice in my head telling me "I'm nothing" and a "*****".

I think I could go on for hours, and I'm usually a rather inward person. I don't like to cry in front of people or show I'm freaking out. Somehow I think that it's weak. I'm not so much suicidal as I just wish I never existed. And I feel bad, that means my daughter would never have existed. Guilt. Anger. Sadness. Running rampant at the moment.

 

Hi and welcome...a trauma such as your brother's death tests all of our coping mechanisms...glad you decided to post and I hope you find the support and caring you are seeking here...welcome again, J

 

Oh boy....................... we share too much, you and i!
So, lets have a little look at things, i can offer only my thoughts.......
The core issue here is one i know only too well,self hate.When this occurs, guilt, anger and sadness are all around us.
Im sorry for your losses and im sorry for your childhood, these can't be replaced, but the void can be filled by onething.....love.
By that, i mean love for yourself, when you do this, something special happens.
You begin to feel better..........and.............it starts to shineout, attracting those you really want in you rlife to be around you.
You can't control what others think of you, but you can control your own thoughts of yourself.
For me, as an adult, many of my mistakes (temper, control etc) i can directly relate to a very difficult childhood.
Sometimes i look back and cringe at my behaviour, it has took me many, many, many years to forgive myself for it, i still have to work at it everyday.
Do you know how i have done it?
Well, through change and forgiving myself AND others.
Its no good saying sorry if you only do it again............
Try to perhaps seek contentment not happiness, this can be the smallest things in life................ cook a nice meal, maybe do something nice for you and your daughter.
Look at everyday as a new page, because thats what it is! Just as i think i am getting there...........i slip up.......so i try to see there is always a tomorrow to get it right again.
I am a father of two children, they need me and your little girl needs you.
Your mum, your bf................ i know they offer little in support, but forgive them for that, fill your soul with good thoughts for them.
Tell you something, its kinda hard to be nasty to someone who is being nice, so be that person.
Do not let the cycle that was once your childhood reoccur, hold your own heart and let go of others bad emotions, its not easy.........tell me about it...........but if you can.......rewards endless.
I don't think you have a problem with people, i think you have a problem with yourself....................so work on that.................everyday i have to.
Welcome by the way! Post and maybe read some too..............

 

You know, I know that is something I need to work on, loving myself. But I honestly have no idea how to go about that, and yes you explained it to me but I am still in the dark....

I have plenty of moments of happiness. I mean I have a beautiful baby girl who loves me, seeing her smile is definitly an awesome reason to be alive. But then I think, am I going to mess her up like my mother messed me up? And yes, I'm sure those are normal thoughts to an extent of everyone. But I suppose I have a tendency of obsessing over things way too much.

I just found a friend on fb that I hadn't talked to in over ten years and she began to tell me what a horrible person I was to her. And the truly sad thing is, that I didn't even know that I was! I'm an unevolved human being when I go in a rage, I'll take anyone out who's in front of me. The guilt and the shame only surface after the "beserker" is gone.... So I have some major anger issues that I need to learn how to cope as well.

I do hope that one day 'me, myself, and i' that I have the strength to forgive my mother. I say I do, because to an extent I know that she didn't know better herself. She didn't know how to control her rage either. But the fact that I have tried to talk to her about my childhood and the utter belief that my mom thinks 'I made it all up'... I find that even more hard to forgive. She wont even admit it. But like I said, I'd love to evolve... I just have no idea at all how to go about it. I always seem to revert. And then I fall back into the guilt and self-hatred.

Thank you very much for responding and I will....

 

Loving oneself....
Read a book you like.
Cook nice food.
Be nice to people.
Try to control emotions that you know you will regret(anger, hatred, jealousy etc) otherwise circle continues.............
Try to change the way you react, this is not easy, but with intention it can occur.
Never stop learning, about yourself and others.
Never be smug.
Walk away from confrontation.
Smile on the outside, even though inside you are not.
Imagine you are on speeding chariot, with many reins.........................hate,anger,envy,jealousy,impatience,self loathing, sadness................hold them, practice, with intention your grip WILL become tighter.
Accept you will get it wrong.
Try not to get it wrong tomorrow.
Be you and try to be a better you the next day.


No one is perfect, least of all me, but slowly im trying to be a nicer man.

You never know for sure exactly how your mums childhood was, break the cycle.
Do it today, please.

 

Welcome to the forum. I hope you can find support and help here.

I can relate to your family messing you up. When I was 12, my dad started building my drinking tolerance. That way I could out drink girls and date rape the... Of course he never said date rape. However, I knew what he meant. I embraced the drinking. However, not the girls.

There is not much else I can say. You should think about your child. Just because you are older than others doesn't mean you should be able to magically coup. If that was the case this forum would not exist.

Maybe you should try cleaning your place. That will distract you and make you feel better. At least it does for. Me.