I'm not a freaking joke.. *TRIGGER WARNING*

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Tokki, Aug 8, 2012.

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  1. Tokki

    Tokki New Member

    This post is just a bit of story telling... Just some stuff I'm hoping to get off my chest and kinda get advice for it. It might be longer than I hope, but please just bear with me.

    I'll just jump right into it: When I was about 4 or 5, my family and I moved from Germany to Kansas, and my grandparents of my mothers side moved in with us for a while. My grandfather was a drug abuser, and would steal and sell some our stuff around the house to get money to support his addiction, and I think it was his drugged up state that caused what happened between me and him. I don't really want to go into huge detail about it, but he sexually abused me for a few weeks straight, which I knew at the time was wrong, but didn't know how to tell anyone at the time, so for years, I didn't.

    They stayed with us for about a year, and my parents never noticed anything "wrong". They moved out when we moved to North Carolina, and it all stopped since we weren't in the same household. I still didn't tell anyone until I was about 12, mostly because I didn't think anyone would believe me. Due to my obviously excellent luck, I was right.

    I finally told my parents, and they went hysterical, especially my mother. They accused me of lying, and just wanting attention, and that I should be ashamed for trying to betray my family like that. It completely broke my heart, and that's when I started cutting. Since then, we've been quite dysfunctional. My parents have been physically and emotionally abusive towards me, but once again, with the glorious luck I have, my story gets worse.

    During my freshman year, I started dating a nice senior boy, who knew a little bit of my issues at home, just not of my grandfather. He was supportive and seemingly nice during the first month, but then, he grew aggressive, mostly because he wanted to have sex and I just wasn't ready. He became very abusive, just as bad as my parents, and would constantly tell me I'm nothing and tell me I'm just a joke. I stayed with him, mostly out of fear, because he would tell me in front of people (in a "joking" way) that if I left him, he'll kill me. No one seemed to see that as a red flag.

    Well, about 6 months into the relationship, he grew angry that I wouldn't "give myself to him" and while I was at his house, he brought me upstairs to his room to "show me something" and started punching me over and over, until I passed out. I woke and he was on top of me, I tried to fight back, but he would either pin my arms or just punch me again. He drove me home, and before I left, he told me he enjoyed himself, the fucking pig... My parents didn't notice anything, nor did they care. My closest friend grew concerned, and finally gave me the courage to break up with my abuser. He didn't argue or anything, just called me a ***** and it was over. But since then, I've been way too scared to tell anyone, much less the police or my parents. So I haven't.

    I'm now engaged to someone else, who knows of my parents abuse, and that my one of exes was abusive. However, that ex has gotten back in contact with me, apologizing for everything that happened and asking for another chance... Luckily, I'm not dumb enough to go back. Every time I tell him no, he starts calling me a ***** and saying the same stuff he said when we were dating. I told my fiance, and he grew furious and threatened the ex with a lawsuit and that if he touched me again, he'd regret ever knowing me. This brought a very strong trust between us, but I don't know if I should tell him about the rape, out of fear he would laugh and call me a liar. And, I just don't know how to tell him. I've seen a therapist since then, but it honestly didn't help me much and I couldn't really afford the sessions, so I gave up on that.

    I still cut, and my fiance knows this, and hates it. He's told that every time I cut, he'll do it himself, and that usually gets me to stop for a while, but I always fall back into it, and I've found myself contemplating suicide due to the ex coming back into my life. I love my fiance, but I don't want him to have to put up with all this. I'm just unsure at this point. I've thought about turning in my ex, but I think at this point all evidence would be gone and no one would believe me. (The phrase "Your nothing but a joke" has really stuck with me throughout all this)

    I'm sorry it this was extremely long, its just hard to summarize stuff like this any shorter. Thank you so much for reading, and any advice you can give me is really appreciated.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 8, 2012
  2. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    :hug: while i haven't had exactly the same problem, I've had a lot of therapists and doctors try and call me an attention seeker and liar.. because a lot of what I've been thru isn't i guess believable to most people.. and they simply thought i was "replacing" my brother who had past away.. because he was born disabled and i guess they assumed i was taking the role of the "sick kid" because he wasn't there anymore.. I've had things happen myself where ill tell ppl years later but by that time no one will believe me.. so i decided a for a long time to not talk about certain things.. and in a way i even forget them myself.. id find other things to talk about.. to make it seem that those were the problem instead of what is hidden inside my brain.. that now i can't even access most the time. It's like I've hid it so well that it's even hiden from myself.. but anyway, id be careful who you tell and make sure you genuinely trust them if it isn't a therapist who is bound by law not to reveal such info except in certain cases.. It's really stupid though that some people are so unable to fathom what someone must have gone through and so they laugh and tell themselves nothing like that ever happens.. and assume you are lying or attention seeking.. I hope that sometime you will find someone you really trust who will be understanding of what happened to you and you can work through it.
  3. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    There are a lot of issues that you have to face and it sounds like you are trying to do that alone or with just the support of your fiance. I would really recommend that you call a rape crisis center/hotline and ask to speak to somebody about your situation. As well as being fully confidential they can often provide referrals to counselors ans support groups (often at no charge) to get some people that are professionals in your area to provide support and counseling that may help you. I just googled and there were a lot to choose from broken down by county. Your courage and strength are admirable.
  4. JigsawJohn

    JigsawJohn Well-Known Member

    I was really touched by your story, and it's hard to be objective in a way. I've also been raped and molested, but not in the same extent as you. I really hope you will find the courage to open up to someone. Maybe your fiance or a therapist that you feel you can trust. It's a good start to open up here on this forum, I find it really comforting with all the support these wonderful people here can give you. I wish you all the best! *hug*
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