I'm not a murderer or those other things. I don't want to be treated like I am.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by mynameisbrian, Apr 10, 2013.

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  1. mynameisbrian

    mynameisbrian Active Member

    This may be a little disturbing, so just be aware of that before you continue reading.

    In the past, when I didn't know better, I let intrusive thoughts and obsessional tendencies really ruin my life. ( if you aren't aware what intrusive thoughts are - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intrusive_thoughts ).

    I let extremely intense stress, panic attacks, and intrusive thoughts wear me down and convince me of things about myself that were not true. I disturbed a lot of people in my family with my concerns about these thoughts, and I felt very scared myself. I thought I was going insane and that I was a terrible person (which is a common thought of people with this level of anxiety/ disturbing intrusive thoughts).

    I thought I was a murderer and a psychopath (maybe I was insane and blocked out the memory of killing someone...maybe I was incapable of empathy). I thought I was a rapist and a pedophile. Nothing's wrong with it, but I had intrusive thoughts of "maybe I'm a gay", "what if my family finds out that I'm gay" (homosexual ocd) that even though I've never been attracted to a man in my life and since grade school had my eyes on the girls, really were both convincing and upsetting thoughts (there are people in my family who are very homophobic, so that really stressed me out).

    I had a nervous breakdown. I was so broken down from feeling like a horrible person and guilt for things I've never even done! I couldn't separate these thoughts from who I was anymore, from how I really felt or what I really did. I spoke aloud about what was going on in my head (awful things). When I was in the hospital (terribly traumatic experience in itself...some people shouldn't work in mental health) I confessed to a crime that I didn't commit. My family was completely shocked, and so was I.

    The staff at the psych hospital obviously knew the condition I was in and knew the things I said were not true because they let me go after evaluating me. When I recovered, when asked if what I confessed was true by my family, I told the truth. No, it was not true. Everyone's believed me and moved on,

    Still, there's one person who always looks at me like I'm a malicious weirdo, with suspicion and obvious dislike. They believe I'm a bad person or that some of the things I said have truth to them - they don't. I feel terrible whenever I'm around this person.

    I still can't believe I said what I did. I'm really embarrassed about it all. It all just came out of my mouth in a moment of of confusion, vulnerability, unbearable stress and delusion. It WASN'T TRUE. I know it's not true. I know the kind of person I am.

    Still, I'm reminded every time I see this person of my past and what I said. It's such a strange thing that happened, I don't know what I'd ever say to try to clear things up with this person. His dislike of me anytime he's around me since the incident is palpable, and he keeps up this passive-aggressive mood around me (if you don't like me, stop going out of your way to talk to me! Stop barely hiding your hate behind pleasantries. Leave me alone. I'm not bothering you. I didn't do anything to anybody. I don't want to be around you. You can quit the homophobia, too. You're not bashing me, you just look like an asshole!). Subtle and passive aggressive attacks about me or my character or just the comments he makes around me. He never comes out and says anything, so it's hard to even have a real discussion or rebut what he's saying.

    I just thought I'd get that out there. It's a really frustrating, strange, and awkward situation. Any advice or comments are appreciated. Thanks.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 10, 2013
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    7 billion people in the world - avoid that one person or if can't avoid ignore. We can't change what people think and does not sound like he is anybody that would help you even if they did believe you. Losing sleep over the opinion or thoughts of another person will not help and their opinion is no more valuable than anybody else.....
  3. Percarus

    Percarus Account Closed

    Well, I am sure a lot of the problems associated with intrusive thought may derive at the obsession developed as to 'what will other people think of me?'. Look, Martin Luther King suffered from fixative thoughts with the Devil's buttocks, and I for instance (I consider myself to be normal) went through a period that every time I walked past a toddler I would get the intrusive thought that I would kick their heads several many yards (of course, being so self conscious of it I restrained myself in utter guilt every time). I suppose a good way to get rid of intrusive thoughts is to develop a 'productive' obsession. Suppose you are studying, then focus not just 100% on studies but 200%, say you are working; then show up 30 minutes early every day to work and leave 30 minutes late and try to think about your job and how you can improve on it whilst at home. My theory is that if you are able to keep such kind of comportment for several months only then you would have conditioned your mind to be more of a realist than a fictionalist.

    Sure, a lot of us live with the nightmares of errors we may do in the past, no matter how great or small. The trick is to take relaxing routines and adopt techniques that alleviate stress for when it happens - in my case I took up smoking (without inhaling most of the smoke down to my lungs). Smoking to me relaxes me and whilst enjoying a ciggie I do tend to think of the pleasant environment around me, mayhap even use it as a social tool to converse with people. Trust me, no matter how much of a fool someone may have made of themselves in the past there is always a way to use such a tale of mishap to your great advantage years down the track. Wisdom does not foster and grow on individuals that never make mistakes most of the time, instead it is a journey that is best found by one's own self.
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