I don't think I can say that anywhere but here. I was depressed. The meds have controlled that more or less, and now I can feel my pain more clearly. I can also hear the chaotic thoughts in my mind and watch myself lose my train of thought every few seconds & have to stop and think until I remember wtf I was doing. What I am is frustrated. I cannot do the things that "normal" people seem to do nearly effortlessly. I know that is a ridiculous thing to off one's self over, which is why I am fighting it, but still, it's been an uphill fight for years and I feel like my progress has been backwards since I went on the meds. Forgetting what you're working on is not exactly a great way to move up in the world, so I am worried about my ability to stay employed and make a livable wage. Now if I am going to be homeless & mentally ill anyway, why not cash in my life savings and go out with a bang? I don't know. I just want one person with the word doctor behind their name to give a shit for long enough to actually ask me what's going on rather than just throwing the same goddamn pills at me that didn't work the first time. This is more a vent than anything else. I am just posting this though in the hope that someone who has been through something similar can give me a pointer or two. I don't know what I can offer in return except my gratitude or to try and help someone else later on.