I'm not depressed, just suicidal.

I don't think I can say that anywhere but here. I was depressed. The meds have controlled that more or less, and now I can feel my pain more clearly. I can also hear the chaotic thoughts in my mind and watch myself lose my train of thought every few seconds & have to stop and think until I remember wtf I was doing.

What I am is frustrated. I cannot do the things that "normal" people seem to do nearly effortlessly. I know that is a ridiculous thing to off one's self over, which is why I am fighting it, but still, it's been an uphill fight for years and I feel like my progress has been backwards since I went on the meds. Forgetting what you're working on is not exactly a great way to move up in the world, so I am worried about my ability to stay employed and make a livable wage.

Now if I am going to be homeless & mentally ill anyway, why not cash in my life savings and go out with a bang? I don't know. I just want one person with the word doctor behind their name to give a shit for long enough to actually ask me what's going on rather than just throwing the same goddamn pills at me that didn't work the first time.

This is more a vent than anything else. I am just posting this though in the hope that someone who has been through something similar can give me a pointer or two. I don't know what I can offer in return except my gratitude or to try and help someone else later on.

 

As long as you're alive, there are possibilties. Aome may be diametrically opposed to what you grew up with, but they are still options, and may find you growing in directions you never thought could be possible. Try every avenue. We have but one life to live, why not get every experience out of it that you can?

 

Did you speak to your doctor about the side effects you are experiencing? If these meds have some good effects maybe there are meds in the same class that would not give you the other reactions? J

 

I don't think I can say that anywhere but here. I was depressed. The meds have controlled that more or less, and now I can feel my pain more clearly. I can also hear the chaotic thoughts in my mind and watch myself lose my train of thought every few seconds & have to stop and think until I remember wtf I was doing.

Meds can do that bring a clarity to the brain you are more aware of what is happening because the fog of depression is lifting You need to talk now to your doctor let know what is happening so dr can adjust the meds appropriately okay I too felt the pain more god yes and that is when i went into my psychologist to get help to deal with what i was feeling I hope you have a therapist who can guide your through the thoughts and emotions you are more aware of now