I'm not done yet

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by WeepingWillow, Sep 20, 2006.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. WeepingWillow

    WeepingWillow Well-Known Member

    I'd been seriously depressed for a couple of months now. I wanted to deal with it myself. I didn't really want to commit suicide but the thoughts stayed in my head. Then it got serious and I really thought about doing it.
    I felt stuck in my life. I decided on all these changes I wanted to make and took baby steps so that I could ease myself into things and not get overwhelmed. To make a long story short, I fell flat on my face and failed at everything. I got frusterated and confused and I really started to hate myself. I was really stuck and ended up just staying where I was and hated that too. I got sick of it. I found this forum looking for help and it did help. I was able to understand things a little better....how I am not alone and why I feel and do certain things. I felt comfortable posting because I got real answers and so many people were going thru what I was going thru. I started looking for other self help things on the internet and ended up finding pro-suicidal things. It really triggered things off and I began to plan my suicide, from the date and how I was going to do it-I had very specific reasons for not doing it certain ways and for choosing the way that I chose. For your sake I will not get any more detailed. For two weeks prior, I felt ok. I felt there was a resolution and that I finally found a way to take care of everything. Someone told me that he wished I was at peace with myself-meaning happier and fine about things. Well, for once I was. I was really at peace because all my negative emotions were going to end. Sunday night, I had some things to do, so I did them and then I left. I went out to my place that I found-my place where I went to think and to just be alone. I thought about everything I wanted to think about and then proceeded to do what I went there to do. I was there and ready and then I just stopped. All of a sudden like a switch I changed. I realized all the things I failed at before I still really wanted.
    The thought kept going through my head " I'm not done yet "
    There are so many things that I wanted and I hadn't done them. I still wanted them. Before, I didnt care anymore, I didn't want to try because I kept failing and I had absolutely no will, no yearning, no desire for anything.
    I stopped. I put everything away and I just started crying. I left that place before I could change my mind again and I drove around. I stopped at a payphone and tried to call someone - the phone would not work. I went to a friend's house but I couldn't stand to tell them what was going on so I left without them knowing I was there. Or so I thought because they asked the next day about me because they ended up seeing me drive away.
    I went home. I told my husband what had just happened. (we are split but still living together trying to get crap straightened out)
    He was sort of in shock. He had no idea what was going on but he knew I was depressed and he knew I was into self harm. He talked with me and hugged me and said he was glad I did not do it. I just felt numb. Sort of how I was the last two weeks when I had already decided to end things.
    I layed down and stayed there the rest of the night without sleeping, thinking about things. Not really happy I was alive but glad I didn't do it.
    I've been confused the past few days since then. I know what I want to do but at times I sink low and think I regret not doing it. He locked everything up. if I really want to, I still can but it's just not as easy now. I'm really hanging on now. I'm searching for a counselor now. I don't really want to go but I need to. Mostly because the thoughts haven't left my head. Anyway, I really am doing better. Another thing that has changed is that I don't cut myself anymore. I havent in several days now. I stopped cutting when I made up my mind about killing myself. I haven't cut since then. Now, I look at my arm and get sick. I can't stand it and I have to cover it up just so I can't see it anymore. if I do look at it I get sick and get really anxious and nervous and frusterated. I don't want to, though. That's another thing about the 'switch' is that changed so sudddenly too.
    So, I have some names of counselors. now I have to sort through them and call someone. I'm back to baby steps again. I know this story isn't really inspirational, but I wanted to be real about it. It didn't go from dark to light in a day like you hear sometimes. And things arent really easy now that I have the will to live....It's hard but it's ~BETTER~
    There is some inspiration here, though. Things can change. I am not exactly happy about everything but I have my will back. I sincerely hope someone else finds the same thing. Thank you for listening. I am always here to listen to you, too.
  2. Tigerstripe

    Tigerstripe Guest

    I'm glad that you cahanged your mind and it was different from the way i was changed. Anyway's a counsuiller is a good first step it helped me tremendously but the battle is only just beginning not wishing to be negative it isn't going to be like you talk to the counsiller and Presto all better, but after what you have went through described above you'll be able to get through it maybe with a few tears shed but it is worth it in the end.
  3. SadDude

    SadDude Member

    the darkness will always remain lingering by, or will creep back from time to time. just keep trying to shine some light where the darkness is casting its shadows. the more illuminated the shadow areas are, the safer you will feel wandering through them. and your vision through the dark will be clearer.

    will pm soon.
  4. WeepingWillow

    WeepingWillow Well-Known Member

    I know its not going to be easy. this sucks. i still feel weighed down but i do feel a second wind coming on.
    thank you for being honest. i dont know what to expect. Im afraid of chickening out and not going to the counselor. But I dont feel like I will get better without one. Sometimes I go back and forth almost wishing I had done it but the bigger percentage says I should be glad I didn't
    I still mostly feel that no one gives a crap and it wouldnt have mattered if I had done it. But that's basing my happiness on other people and I guess that's not right. I just feel I did a lot to make myself worthless and I rightfully feel angry at myself. I think Im going to make myseff a personalized list of what I want, something that wouldnt fit to anyone else..... to remind me. Otherwise, I feel myself falling again.
    I hate crying but I have done it so much lately and I still have more coming. this sucks :-/
    But I am getting better. :)
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.