I'm not entitled to these feelings...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kiren, Mar 18, 2012.

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  1. Kiren

    Kiren New Member

    I'm 15.
    Everyone says I'm too young to know what I want. But I do- ever since I was 11, I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts and tendencies. At first, I blamed it on hormones, on my parents breaking up. I think it's a bit more than that, though.
    I don't really know why I want to die. It's not like I even have a bad life- I don't. And that knowledge just makes me feel guilty for my emotions, which in turn makes it all worse. It's a vicious circle.
    I saw a doctor about it, and he diagnosed me with depression and recommended that I see a counsellor. My mum refused to believe that I had a problem, and won't let me go.
    Everyone says its just hormones, that it'll settle down, that I'm too young for everything and that I'll grow up, and that isn't really helping! Maybe it is just hormones, but my dad gets severe depression, and my mum had it too, so there is a high chance that I do have mental issues.
    To top it all off, I compulsively lie to all my friends, and I'm absolutely terrified of... Well... Everything. I guess that fear attributes to the suicidal feelings. It affects my everyday life. I can't be home alone, I can't be in the dark, and I have difficulty looking in mirrors because I'm scared there will be things in them. I can't dry my hair because my eyesight is poor, and I rely on my hearing. A loud hairdryer means I can't hear my surroundings, and I start crying uncontrollably.
    I'm not stupid, or anything, you can probably tell from the way I'm writing. I know I'm clever- it's the one thing I have any talent in, but it also puts me under huge stress. If I don't get A* in something, it's relentless teasing from all my 'friends'.

    Well, this was a pretty much pointless post, but it's nice to let all of this out somewhere, I can't talk to anyone else. Any help, comments, etc, would be greatly appreciated.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi sotry you arr not being heard u can talk to councilor at school or ateacher get your doctor to talk to your mom insist on getting help keep talking to us here ok we understand
  3. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I'm sorry to hear that people have been undermining your feelings and emotions. Just because you are young doesn't mean can't be depressed. I don't think your post is pointless, nothing you have to say is pointless. I'm glad that you were able to get things out on here, and I hope that helped a bit. Like total eclipse said, maybe you can find someone to talk to. Plus you can always talk to us here, and we will always be here to listen.
  4. Kiren

    Kiren New Member

    Thankyou for the responses, it has already uplifted my mood, knowing that some people care.

    I've tried organisations such as childline, but they offer no help whatsoever. The timing is limited (each session is 30 minutes long) and the counsellors are very patronising and off-putting.
    I contacted Samaritans previously, but they ignored me after my 2nd email. When I asked why, they simply replied that my problem was not suicide, but more mental illness, and that the organisation didn't deal with that.
    I also have no school counsellor, and I leave school in merely 4 weeks, so speaking to a teacher seems pointless.

    I was wondering; if I went to see my doctor, would he be obliged to contact my parents? Or would I have confidentiality? I know that they can't tell my parents unless they feel I am incapable of understanding the severity of the situation, or my life is in danger. Is suicide and/or mental illness a good enough reason for him to contact them? I'm English (I assume this site is international) so health insurance etc isn't an issue like it may be in other countries.

    However, if medical help isn't an option, it's nice to know you guys are here for me- thank you.
  5. jessneedstobethin

    jessneedstobethin Well-Known Member

    Hi Kiren,
    I really do understand your situation, I was you a few years ago - you feel nobody listens to you and thinks you are just experiencing the same as every other teenager because being a teen can be hard. I know I don't know you personally, but from what you've said, you seem to know your own mind pretty well, and I feel I can safely say you're right. I wasn't able to get anyone to take me seriously until I was 19 - a whole 9 years after i believe my depression first started. All I can say is that, you shouldn't suffer in silence. You may be 15 but that doesn't mean you can't have a serious conversation with your mum. Sit her down, and tell her that, even though she may not think there is anything wrong, you feel you would benefit from speaking to someone about things. Tell her that, whilst you respect her opinion, and understand why she feels the way she does, you'd rather seek professional guidance on this topic. She will hopefully be more accepting once she knows you came to her first. However, if she is not, you still have the right to see your doctor, and can ask for confidentiality - they will grant this if they know you are not in danger of causing you or anyone else any harm. They can refer you to a free counselor who will try to figure out your main issues and then possibly refer you to another therapist who can better address your needs if they cannot. Don't be discouraged if this takes some time. NHS therapists see huge amounts of people and don't have very much time but they do try to help. Don't let this get to the stage where you feel as though you don't have any choice but to give up. You are very welcome here and we will always try to support you and help you through things by talking and encouragement. I hope you manage to get to talk to someone IRL, it could do you the world of good!
  6. toshi

    toshi Well-Known Member

    it isn't pointless. obviously your feelings are very real and are affecting you deeply. I remember when I was 15 having suicidal feelings that I never told anybody about-just held it all in and it just got worse as I grew older. You've at least expressed your feelings - in writing, and to others- that's a GREAT start. If your mother won't let you see a counselor, then KEEP WRITING YOUR FEELINGS. Don't bottle them up for anyone and don't dismiss them. Get a diary with a key. Write down everyday what you're feeling. As time goes by, you'll be amazed with how much your feelings change for the better. Hope this helps.
  7. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Kiren - pleased to meet you! I'm originally from Brighton - you might know it :smile: Because you're so bright and because the other replies have been so right and helpful (imo) - here's a suggestion. Open a word doc and insert a table with 5 columns and room for a heading for each, (a new doc each day, and date it, so you can keep a record of your progress.)

    1st column: 'The Feeling I want to explore today' .......... and then the 2nd - 5th columns might not come easily at first, but they will with practice, promise

    2nd column: My self-talk about this feeling is:
    3rd column: The assumptions/beliefs that are producing this self-talk are: [in this way you get to know what it is you're really thinking and believing]
    4th column: The Truth of the matter is: (don't worry if this stays blank for ages, if you haven't got any idea it doesn't matter]
    5th column: The challenge this presents me with/way forward - is:

    1. Frustration
    2. Contents from your first post perhaps?
    3. That I DO know what I'm thinking and feeling, and my thoughts and feelings are valid, even if no one else wants to hear them or take them seriously
    4. I am a worthwhile person with a worthwhile future, regardless of anyone else's opinions
    5. To keep on with this project, and to be my own very best friend. To believe in myself.

    etc. etc.
    Kiran, if you do this daily, you will become very self aware, and with your astuteness and sensitivity, be able to understand your feelings and know that they cannot wag you around, because you are the head and not the tail. Blessings and strength, :reub:
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